ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20620, 19 July 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

'A pedestrian is an uncertain body entirely surrounded by motor-cars. Teacher: "What, is a 'stipend?'" Ro.v: " lt'i where the parson keeps his piys." , " Daphno is looking much older now." " Yes Jior schoolgirl complexion seems to have graduated." That child whose mother is a golfer virlow and its father a bridgo widower s likely to become, a divorce orphan. An Aberdeen woman went to a beauty parlour to have her right hand manicuied. bbo said she could do the left herself. "Did (hat patent medicine you bought cure your siuut!" "Mercy, no! On reading the circular that was wrapped around the bottle she got two more diseases." Doris: "Mv brother bus just come home. He's been tiger-hunting in India." / Jean: " Was he lucky. Doiis. * Rather! He didn't moot even one." " You don't look particularly cheeerful, Angus, considering you've won our sweepstake." " You forget. snapped' Angus. "1 bought twa tickets. Mary Ann: "Please, ma'am, the oil ftove lias gone out,." Mistress: "Well, light it again." Mary Ann: "Sure and 1 can't, ma'anl. It's gone out through the roof." Assertive lady (to motorist who has Just wrecked his car): " You're very clumsy. Just beginning, I take it.' Driver: "On the contrary, madam, I've just finished." She: "Is it true that the length of a boy's arm is exactly equal to the circumfcrence of a girl's waist?" The Duffer: " I don't know: let's get a picco of string and measure. ' Y"okel (in oufitter's shop): " How much arc these collars?" Assistant: " Two for half-a-crown." " How much will one cost?" " Eighteenpence." " Then I'll take the other one."

Let nio prove to you that advertising brings results!" "I know," groaned the manufacturer. " \esterday I advertised for a night-watchman —last night my slioj? was broken into." / The small boy, forbidden to eat a spoonfuj of salt,, had eaten one, nevertheless, and cried. " Well, Johnnie," chuckled his father, "what is it like?" "It's—it's—like sugar isn't," said Johnnie. A choir-boy's letter to his vicar: "We are forming a cricket, team and would be grateful for your financial assistance. Also, could we have the use of the bats which the verger says you have in the beifry ? / Johnny was a scholarship boy. and the headmaster said to Hodge, his farmer father, Your son's Latin is very bad." << But—what's he want to learn Latin for?" said Hodge. "He may never go there." " I want you to understand," said .young Spender, " that I have got my money by hard work." " Why. I thought it was left to you by. your rich uncle ? " So it was but I had to work to get it away from the lawyers. One of the road excavators had fallen in a ditch and broken a leg. "'Oh, dear, exclaimed an old lady appearing on the scene, "aren't you going to take him to the. hospital ?" "What!" came the horrified reply, " in 'is dinner hour Householder. " So you're out of work, are vou/? Then you're just in time, I ve ft pile of wood I want chopped, and I was just going to send for a man do Tramp : " Right you are, sir. Tell ixie where he lives and 111 fetch him. - The village gossips were discussing the two oldest inhabitants of the place. " Why," said one, "is Mrs. Smith so cold towards Mrs. Jones?" "Oh," said the other. " she says Mrs. Jones is infringing/ some of her symptoms. " I admit," said the holiday-maker, leavin" the crowded boarding house, "that" I do not mind sleeping in the breakfast-room. But I think you are going too far when, in view of that, *vou charge mc for .brcskfflst in my 1)6(1luom." Two Scots came to London with excursion tickets, and one of them was very ill 011 the return journey. " Jock, inon, deem' ■" he murmured at Cai lisle. "No, na! Juist- hand on, Mac!" said tlie other, " Yer ticket doesna expire till we get to Glesga! '

.Tolinnv had been tlic guest of honour the day* before at a party to which liis 3it tie ( bum Tommy bad not been invited. After heaiing all about it Tommy said to Johnny." " Have a good tune. Johnny?" "Did I!" answered Johnny. "Why, I'm not hungry yet!" An old Scottish woman, who had never teen known to say an ill word about anvbodv, was one day taken to task by her husband. " Janet,''' he said impatiently, " I do believe ye'd say a guid word for the de'il himself." " Ah, weel. •was the reply, he may na be sae guid as he micht- be. but he's a' very industrious bod v." / " I take in boarders," said the poulterer's iiew customer. " l'ick out some of vour toughest birds, it you please. 'Jhe poulterer complied with the unusual request, and said in his jtolitest tones, * * 'f hese are the toughest ones, madam. Upon which the customer coolly put her hand on the remaining pile, and declared, ." I'll take these." On one occasion, in the old Theatre Royal, Dublin, one of the "gods "made himself particularly obnoxious to his fellows. Immediately there arose the cry of "Throw him over!" Jn answer to this kind suggestion a gentleman of an evidently economical mind shouted back, m tones of anxiety: "Hold on! Don t vatfte 'him ! Kill a fiddler wid him ! AVce Jock wore his father'* dothes, vjjich Lis mother cut down for him an ib<t 'ould. hj% ht vw* on ;i Vi'ijj'.h t.vi i/W/J '.'!*■ ffary>u ft out >tji <.verco::.t >!'■- Vi y/vmbU, '' tJjft astk.*'J Ih'ili Jn'.M'.'V ' b'/< wid Jo'.-i:, "Uih bottom to it," " Tlmi't : • > tuid hi;-, hW«-r; "t3iU * vy^VM.'' At Waterloo statfon :>o ">■ riving by the boa', ii.nn, ' *-»:<> to drive him to his hot*!,/ r'-'ait,t-r ;r hat boxes, despatch t«s*s, overco-Us .jntl ■walking-sticks were piled on the taxi. Tlio drivor pocred out.'through a crack in the mountain. "Is that all?" ho n*l<ed. "Yen/ Kftid (,ho American; "that's tlm lot," "Wflll, well," replied the driver, "I ,*up)mti limy wouldn't let \ou bthig tho Bluing of Liberty."