ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20596, 21 June 1930, Page 32 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

JEven a tailor can't always'cut out his (rival. , Remember that clocks keep on working jyhen thoy striko. , / 'A wasp has nothing to say, but its Jwtion is right *to the point. 'A man doesn't necessarily feel girlish Jwhen he makes his maiden speech., ''l have nothing but prafco for the Sermon," said the Scotchman. And ho proved it. "What is better than ■ presence of mind id the case of a railway accident?— Absence of body. Teacher: " What is tho Order of the Bath?" Tommy: "Pa first, then ma, then us kids." Mother: " Come, Freddie, and kiss your !A.unt Martha." Freddie: "Why Ma, I ain't done nuthin." Teacher: " Who said, 'I come to bury .Caesar, not to praiso him ?' " Boy: / '' Please, sir, the undertaker." . A Chinese truckman sent tho following till to a grocer for delivering orders s—-10 goes, 10 comes—at 2s a went—£l. 'Suspicious Husband: " Who" called this afternoon?" His Bettor: "Only Aunt Sophie." S.H.: "Well, sho left her pipo." Old Lady: "If you really want work Gray wants a right-hand man." Wanderer: "Jus" my luck, lidy—l'm left-'anded!" Master: *' i What are the chief racos o 1 mankind?" Boy: "The Great Northern Hurdles and the Great Northern Steeplechase." * —^ " Don't worry," advised tho doctor. .** It's only a carbuncle coming on tho back of your neck. But you must keep your eye on it!" A man accused of stealing washing from ti clothes-line said that-he was a staunch prohibitonist. He hated tho sight of three sheets in tho wind. . '1 Barber (shaving a customer): " Will Jrou have anything. on your face when 2've finished, sir?" Victim: " Well, it doesn't seem likely." " I've never seen anyone so thin as Flanagan," said Pat. " I'm thin, Mike, / and you're thin, but he's as thin as tho two of us put together." Medical Professor: " What' would yon 'do in the case of a person eating poisonous mushrooms?" Studentßecozn/inend a change of diet." j Husband: "How is the petrol tank, dear?" Wife: "Well, tho indicator says ' Half,' but I don't know whether it means half-full or half-empty." ; " Why were yon so stand-offish with yShat fellow?" Can't stick, him—thinks he's a sheik because he smokes Egyptian .cigarettes and dances like a camel!" " Some men thirst after fame, some after lovo, and somo after money." "I know something that all thirst" after." What's that ?" " Salted almonds." ' Mr. Henpock: "Doctor, my wife has (dislocated her jaw. H yon are passing our house some time next week or tho .week after will you look in and seo her?" v : .«, r- tc. ■ f ■ * - . An Ealing paper's review of work done , for the local hospital ends with this masterpiece: "We must now rest on our oars until wo havo accumulated a nest egg." - , 0< * You say that I am the first model you ever kissed ?" " Yes." V And how many models have yon had before me?" *' Four. An apple, two oranges and a j/ .vase of flowers." "Well did you take my advico and get your new suit made with two pairs of trousers?" "Oi did, and. it's a foine idea, bnt, bejabers, they make tho legs uncommonly warm." Mother. " Won't it be nice, dear, to i have a lovely cake and ten candles on it, for your birthday?" Tommy: " Yes, mummy, but I'd sooner have one candle and ten lovely cakes." - ' Officer: " Flag of truce, Excellency." His Excellency: " What do tho revolutionists want?" Officer: "They would like to exchange a couplo of generals for • a tin of condensed milk." " Sco here!'' said tho zealous traffic cop. " Keep on the proper side of the white_ line. "What lino ?" inquired tho motorist. 41 1 can't see any white lino." Well, ain't ye got any imagination?" Farmer! "You're trespassing here. ' How dare you catch my fish without permission ?" Angler: "I'm not catching your fish; I'm feeding 'em. I haven't' landed one, and I've used up all my • / fcait." Asked if he had made any progress in ' the understanding of Einstein's theory of /relativity, a student replied, "About as j / much progress, sir, as might bo mado by a blind man in a dark room looking for , a black cat that isn't there." j / Romantic girl, at the seaside: " When I 1 come out on to the front after dinner f and gaze at tho moonlit sea I feel too ' full ( for words!" Practical Youth: . " H'm! You wouldn't feel like it if you ! stayed at our boarding-house." Houso Agent: " Tho garden may seem small, madam, but I am sure you'll find T it large enough for your requirements." ® Amateur Gardener's \Vifoi M I'm afraid * it won t do. You should havo seen tho / marrow Henry grew last year!" Irate passenger (who has managed to board a motor-bus that didn't stop): " Suppose I'd slipped and lost a 'eg, what 1 then?" Conductor (kindly). "You 1 wouldn't have had to do any moro jumpin' * then. We always stop for a man with a ' crutch." " - 1 ,'— i jji •. r.-i . .. ' . ' 'V.' : . Auntie (to her little niece): "Thoy ' tell me you had toothacho yesterday. Has the tooth stopped aching now?" Little Niece: "Don't know, auntie." Auntie: '! "You don't know? Surely you do!" , Little, Niece: "No, I don't; the dentist , J lias got it now." Landlady (at boilrding-liousu): " I am ' yery glad to hear that you camo because of tho recommendation of a friend," ; - Guest: "Yes. As soon as I said tho , •Sqctor had ordered me to begin a treat- •: wT;.. -for reducing weighty my friend told job to come here."