SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20560, 10 May 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

THE MODERN HERMIT.

, lie had visited eleven house agents during tlic same afternoon without getting hist what ho wanted. " I am looking," he told the twelfth agent, " for a house that is at least five miles from any ottier." The man smiled. " I see, sir," lie said. " You want to practise the simple life, I presume?" The persevering one shook his head. "No," he replied; "I want to practiso the saxophone." VERY DISAPPOINTING. Tho girl was only twenty. Ho was forty But ho was still good-looking, and very wealthy. He looked into her eyes, and she shyly dropped her head. " I'm a lonely man," ho said, and there was a faint tremor in his voice. "It is time I had someone to look after me. Someone to take care of me, cook for mo, warm my slippers at night." "Yes?" she said, expectantly. " Perhaps your mother could recommend a good housekeeper?" HEARTLESS REMARK. They had just returned from a bridge party; and tho husband was a bad loser. This evening he was in a particularly trying temper because they had lost more than usual. Over supper they were talking about tho game, and tho man was going over mosii of tho hands ho had held. " Mow, in the last," ho complained to his wife, " you might have guessed that I hadn't got o heart." " Oh, I know that a long time ago," x'eturned the other, sweetly; " but I did think you had a brain." NO ACCIDENT. 'A man was being medically examined before taking out a lifo insurance policy. "Ever had a serious illness?" asked tho doctor. " No," was tho reply. "Ever had an accident?" " No." Tho doctor looked surprised. " What ? Never had an accident in your lifo?" The man shook his head.—" Never except last month, when a bull tossed me over a fence.'" " Well, don't you call that an accident?" " No, sir. Tho beast did it on purpose." PASSING THE TIME. The branch-line train had been held up all along to make way for an .express. After taking half an hour to cover half a mile, it came to a halt between two stations and alongside several trucks containing bricks. Seeing these,• a passenger stretched himself wearily and climbed out on to the line. He was seen by tho guard. " Hi!" shouted the.latter. " You can't get out here. There's no station." The passenger glanced in tho guard's direction. " All right," ho> roplied, calmly, " I'm a bricklayer, so what's the matter with building a nice big one while we're waiting ?"

NO ALTERNATIVE,

The large woman had an even fiercer expression than usual on her face as she stood before the magistrate. She had a complaint to make about an erring husband.

" He earns four pounds a week," she said, " and he refuses to give mo a penny of it. He wants to seo me starve, sir. That's his litle game." The magistrate looked grave. " It sounds bad business," he replied. " But I don't like to see you coming here about it, all the same. Aro you sure you can't settle the affair out of court?"

She gave a convincing nod. " Quito sure," she said. " I've tried several times, but the police have butted

DEAFNESS AND FRANKNESS.

Tho lady alighted from her car in a sleepy Some) .set village, and with her companion, another lady, proceeded to look over tho ancient church, which was one of the historic " sights " of that locality. Meeting tho sexton, a very aged man, they asked him a question or two concerning the history of the church, but as he was extremely deaf progress was difficult. Just before leaving, the lady said loudly, "Don't you find it very awkward being deaf?" " No mum," was the old man's reply. " There bnint nothin' to hear in this place—'ceptin 'when visitors coom axin* questions, an' they bnint worth hearing!"

HE KEP£ HIS WORD.

For nearly a week Smithers and his wifo had not been on speaking terms. Soon one of the neighbours got to know about it. The same afternoon she called on Mrs. Smithers. "What is the trouble about dear?" she asked. Mrs. Smithers looked tearful.

" Jim is such a beast," sho burst out. " Ho promised mo a big surprise if I learnt to cook—and so I had a course of lessons."

" I see," nodded her friend. " And didn't he keep his promise and give you tho big surprise?" Mrs. Smithers dabbed her eyes with a tiny handkerchief. " Yes," sho said, ho did. Ho sacked the cook "

WITH ONE MIGHTY STROKE.

The visiting cricket team turned up one man short and asked Hie home captain for a player to cornpleto the eleven. The only man available was an oldtimer, who more often than not had had " one over the eight." On receiving the invitation to play, ho said, " It's no use, skipper-—look at rue. [ should see three balls!"

" That will bo quite all right if you hit the middle one," was the encouraging reply. On going in to bat tho dubious one took a wild stroke at the first ball bo received, and was clean bowled. Returning to the pavilion, ho said, " Sorry, skipper, but I told you it was no use." " Well, why didn't you hit the middle ball lie was asked.

" So 1. did, skipper," camo the answer. " I. hit, tho rniftle ball, all right, but I did it, with the wrong bat."

A SHOVEL TO LEAN ON. A man walked up to the foreman of a gang working on the road, i " Why," he exclaimed in amazement, " if it isn't my old pal Joe!" The foreman instantly recognised his long-lost friend. " Hallo, Bill," he said. " Out of work '!" " Yes," replied the other. " Got a job going?" " Sure, mate, " said the foreman. " Just mix yourself up in that gang of men, and come to me to-night and I'll give you a day's pay." " Well, Bill," said the foreman that night. " here's your day's money, and if you like you can come again to-morrow." " No fear," cried Bill. "What!" Joe remarked in amazement. "Why not? You'vo dono 110 work V* " Yes, that's all very well," murmured Bill, " but I want a shovel to lean 011 like tho others."