ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20560, 10 May 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"Is this painting a Tadema! " " No, r replica." " Well, Replica's a pretty good man, isn't ho ? "

Madge: " What do you think of a mar ;w'ho is constantly deceiving his •wife?" Jack: " lie is a marvel."

" My husband is a man who calls n spade a spade. "So was mine, until he bought a house with a garden."

Gipsy Gir.l: "I t-ella your fortune, mister?" Shabby-looking Man: "How much?" " Eightoenpenco." "Correct."

"Why did you leave your last post?" "They did something I did not like." ."What was that?" " They dismissed me."

"Is your sister fat.?" "Is she fat! She had tho mumps threo weeks before they found out what was w r rong with her."

" Has any ono commented on the way yon drive?" "Yes, one fellow made a brief remark, ' Twenty shillings and costs.' "

41 I hear those two rival dentists have combined offices and forced a partnership. " Yes, the.y finally decided to pull together."

Clerk: "I'm taking a correspondence course to got more money, sir." Bos/: >" Ah, too bad! I'm taking one to reduco exponses."

Wife: " Last night I dreamt you bought me a hat." Hubby: "That's the first dream of a hat you ever had that didn't cost mo anything."

Sho: " Have you any poor relations? " He: "Not one that I know." Sho: "Have you rich relations?" Ho: "Not ono that knows me."

Biggs: " That old chap over there seems very mean."' Waggs: "Yes. The only thing ho has over spent is his youth, and he regrets spending that."

Astronomer (to his wife): "My dear, congratulate mo. I've discovered a star oi hitherto unheard of density, and I'm going to name it after you."

Amateur Artist; " What do you think of my latest picture, ' Smugglers Surprised at Sunrise'?" Friend: "I don't wonder they were surprised at it."

Constable: "Hey, young man, what's the idea of shooting with a last year's licence?" Biles: "I'm only shooting at tho birds I -'missed last year."

"This is a warm doughnut; step on it," road Timothy aloud in. class. Tho teacher looked at th<> book and saw: " This is a worm. Do not step on it s "

First Deaf Man: " You are going fishing?" Secoud Deaf Man: "No, I am going fishing." First Deaf Man: " Oh, I'ra sorry. I thought you were going fishing."

Magistrate: "'You are accused of stealing a chicken. Anything to say." Accused: "I just-took, it "for a lark, sir." Magistrate: "No resemblance whatever. Ten days."

" I thought your husband objected to you taking holidays alone ? " " Oh, that was two years ago." " Then he's changed his mind? " " No, I've changed iny®husband." _

A farmer said to an angler: "Catching my fish, eh ?" Angler: " Yes. I've just caught one of your big eels." Fanner: "Well, now,, you're going to catch one of my big tods!"

Mother: " Billy, where did you hoar that wicked word?" Billy: "I heard Father Christmas say it on Christmas Eve, muni, when ho tripped over tho corner of iny bed."

f Do you have mice in your house? " " Lots?" " What do you do for them ?" Everything.* Provide 'ein with a home, plenty to eat, and so forth. What mora can they expect?"

Passer-by (to " blind " beggar): "It seems to me that you can see." Beggar: " Oh, well, in' these days competition is so great that even a blind man must keep his eyes open."

Doris: " I don't like John. Last night I wanted to show him how well 1 could whistle, and when I puckered up my lips—" Daphne: "Well, what then?" " .He let mo whistle."

Judge: "I' notice that in addition to stealing this money you took a quantity of valuable jewellery." Prisoner: "Yes, sir, I was always taught that money alono did not bring happiness."

" Aro you engaged to him ? " " Yes," answered the prudent girl. "But I have requested tirno to verify reports on hia title and fortune." "That is not an engagement. That is an option."

Hubby (at tho telephone): " I'm bringing tho boss home to dinner. Bo sure and havo something nice, won't you?" Wifo: " Yes, indeed! I'll run right down town now and get that new pink gown."

Instalment 'Collector: "You're several instalments behind on your piano." Purchaser: "Well, the company advertise ' Pay as you play." " " What's that got to do wfth it?" " t I play very poorly."

" I've como from the employment burcvu," said the girl. " They told me wanted a servant." " But I do nil the work myself," replied the lady of tho house. " Then the place will just suit me."

Tho French, official was tho epitome <>f courtesy. When the grande dame appealed for a passport ho could not hurt her despite a disfigurement, so he wrote: "Eyes —Dark, beautiful, tender, expressive (but one missing)."

"Do you know, my dear," said the young husband, " there's something wrong with that' cake. It doesn't taste right." ' That's all your imagination," answered the bride triumphantly, " for it says in my new cookery book that it is delicious."

He wore plus-fours and carried a large assortment of -golf-clubs. " \es," lie said to the girl in the train, "I have had an awful day. Rained all tho morn ing, and the greens at lunch time were in a shocking stato." " Really," said the girl, " and did you eat them ? "

A'Sunday school teacher, who was preparing her class for a lesson on tho ark of th<J couvenant, said, " Now, children, you have all read of tho ark built by Noah, but,that is not the only ark mentioned in tho Bi blip. Can you tell mo of another V (' Yea miss," said one '"little girl.. "There s tho 'ark tho 'erald angel 3 sing."'