SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20496, 22 February 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

MOTHER'S TRUE PROPHECY. " When I was a little boy;" said tho sergeant-major s\veetly, " my mother told mo not to cry when I lost my wooden soldiers. ' Some day, Johnny, dear,. she said, ' you will get those wooden soldiers, back.' " Then with a full parrtde-ground roar, he added: "And, believe me, you'woodenheaded scarecrows, that bloomin' day has conic!" A QUESTION OF TIME.' "What's that!" shouted tho rich old man his eyes flashing, his countenance tho fine purple of a rather over-ripe plum. " You mean to tell mo you love my daughter for herself alone?" The young man tried to lay hold of his rapidly disappearing courage. " \es, sir, ha stammered at length, " but I think I could c-comc to 1-love you t-too, sii, in t-timc, sir." PARSON AND THE BOY. The parson' -was paying a visit, and jokinglv asked tho son of tho houso what kind °of wedding ho meant to havo when he grew up. " I'm not going to have any sort of wedding." said the little boy, " I m not going to get married at all!" "Indeed! Why not?" asked the visitor, with a bland smile. " 'Cos I've lived with married people too long!" TRIALS OF A SALESMAN. Tl;o salesman was weary at tho end of the day. For the last_ hour he had been unrolling and rolling I>ig rolls of linoleum fo» a lady customer. He wiped lus brow as he said, " These are all we can show you madam, but we can get some from tho factory in the morning. "Thank you so much," said the lady with a' sweet smile, " but please get only small designs. You see I want it for the door of my canary's cage." VERY CHEERING. A man was showing his' fourth wife around the village. They visited the churchyard and paused before an elaborate tombstone which had been erected by the bridegroom. She read the inscription: " Here lies Susan, beloved wife of Thomas Johnson; also Jane, beloved wife of Thomas John- s sou; also Alary, beloved wife of Ihonias Johnson." Leaning, forward to see (he bottom line she read: " Be \e Also Ready. • ACCORDING TO LABEL. " Baby was taken very bad while you were out, mum," said the new maid. " Oh dear!" said tho young wife, " is he better now ?" " Oh, he s all right now; but lie was ill at first. Ho seemed to come over quite faint, but 1 found his medicine." " Good gracious! What have you given the child? There is no medicine in the house." " Oh, yes there is, mum; it's written on it." And the girl triumphantly produced a bottle labelled " Kid reviver." STORY OF A DOG. Two friends met in the street. One was a staunch teetotaller, the other an ardent advocatg of Prohibition for all and sundry. To the lattcr's horror, during the conversation her littlo dog darted through the swing doors of a public-house. Nothing would induce him to come out. Both women called'and coaxed, but felt it against their principles to enter the place. At last the owner of the dog appealed to a man who. was passing. "Would you kindly fetch my dog out of that public-house ?" " Certainly, ma'am, was (he polite reply, " or—what bar was you iu ?"'

THE AWKWARD AGE

The vicar was calling on a new parishioner for tho first time. During tea he was introduced to the small son of the house.

" And how old arc you, my little man ?" lie asked.

" Please sir, I'm. just at the awkward age," was the shrill reply. Tho vicar looked puz/.led. " The awkward age V lie echoed. The child nodded. " Yes, sir. When things <;o wrong I'm too old to cry and not old enough 10 swear," he explained. JUST IN CASE. A Scotsman who had been suffering for some time with toothache made up his mind to have the tooth extracted. " How much will it cost ? ' lie asked the dentist. " Five shillings," was the reply. " And if I have gas it won't hurt me ?" • The dentist shook his head. No, ho said; 'vou will bo quite unconscious." Putting his hand in his pocket, the Scotsman brought out a handful of money. " Oh," said the dentist, politely, " there's rio need to pay until it is out. The other loked .-at him amusedly. " I wasna going to pay," ho I was just going to count ma money!"

HUNTING THE HAT. Once a year Mrs. Toodle visited her aunt As Mr. Toodle was left to look after himself, his wife pictured him wandering about the house after matches, studs, articles of clothing, and such like domestic oddments, and she gave (him plentiful instructions and told him to writo if he found himself in difficulties. One day she received a telegram: "Where's my new bowler hat?" She replied: "Dear George,—l think I put it on the top shelf of the oak chest in the Second-floor front bedroom, if not, it may be under the hall-table, or in the small black-trunk in the attic, or in the white box under the bed, or in the spareroom.—Your affectionate Mary. " p. S—Perhaps, after all. 1 changed it at the door for some ferns."

THE BEST POLICY.

The waiter came up behind the diner and coughed apologetically. 'lf you please, sir," he began. " Well, Thomas, enquired the amiable diner, " What can i do for you ?" " Well, sir." said Thomas, " I'm going to leave this restaurant and the boss won t give mo a character. 1 thought perhaps you'd say as f was honest —I'vo always served you here, sir." " But I don't know anything about your honesty," replied the diner.

" Oh, but, sir, I'm really honest," prO' tested the waiter.

" All right then," said tho other, giving in; " givo mo a pen and paper. I'll say you're honest," I homas clutched the paper in his hand when it was finished. " Thank you, sir," lie said. " You don't know how grateful I am. •! tell you what, sir, you come here to-morrow and I'll wangle you a meal for nothing, sir."