ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVII, Issue 20496, 22 February 1930, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

" Did vcu get a commission when you in the army, Jack? I\o; only 'my pay."-

Tom: "Blank's a miglily good listener." Jones: "Ho ought to be—lie's got a wireless set and a wife."

" Are the fisl. biting ? " "I don't know," replied the weary angler. "If they are, they're biting each other.'-'

Old Lady: "My poor man, 1 suppose vou have had many 1 rials in your life Tramp: " Yes, ma am, but only one conviction."

"Baldrics is often the badge of the. successful business man, ' says a writer. Jt certainly means that he has come out on top.

" Why do you persist in saving that lighining will never strike the front end of a tramcar?" "Because thq conductor's at the back."

Visitor: "Tell the master of the lior.se a friend has called to see him." Maid: " You must be at the wrong house; a tax collector lives here."

The Young ' Un: "Would you advise me to/get married ? A wife costs .so much nowadays." Tho Old ' In: "Yes, but think how long she lasts."

Constable: "Hey, young mnn, whats the idea of shooting with a last year's licence'?" Biles: "I'm only shooting at the birds I missed last year."

It has 'been said that the probable reason why some actresses are not as intelligent as they might bo is that they bewail their careers by under studying. ° 1

Vicar: "Well, I am going to give you something in spito of my convictions." Tramp: "Don't let that worry you, sir, I've had lots of them myself."

Laclv (impatiently): "Whores that wrctclicd chauffvjr? Out walking with the maid again, I suppose. butler: •" No, ma'am, they took the car.

Diner: "Waiter, that steak you brought me was a bit high, wasn t it . Waiter: "Quito likely, sir. 1 understand it came from a very tall cow.

"If you are good," said the hoy's father/ I'll give you a lovely, shiny, bright' new penny." " n! ) st - v ' clllty old shilling would do," said the boy.

Man (discussing holiday resorts): But it'has the record sunshine, dear. Maid: ."Never mind the sunshine, darling. I< mil the place with the record for longest moonlight nights."

"I tell you frankly, that I shall not be able to pay you for this suit until next year. Tailor: All right. s\. "When will it be ready. lailoi . f Next year, sir."

' Teacher: "Have you heard of Julius Caesar?" Pupil: " Yes, sir." Teacher: " What do you think he would be doing row if ho wcro alive?" Pupil: Drawing the Old Age Pension, sir.

" Yes, 1 was driving along in Sicily when robbers came and took everything —monev, watch and even my car. Jiut J thought you had a revolver on you . ." Yes 7 1 had but they did not find that.

An editor received n poem from a conIribulor entitled "Why J)o 1 P; ,i 'And tho editor returned the poem with Ijiis remark, " Because you sent tins by post instead of delivering it personally.

Tic spent several days fishing, and pre.- » Kilted his landlady with enough fish to supply tlie whole boarding house. At the end ,of the week' his bill included the item: " Lard( for frying fish), Is bd.

Facetious One: "Why so gloornv old chap ? " Gloomy One: " Just heard jny uncle has cut me out of his will. He s altered it five times in the last two years" "Ha! Evidently a fresh-air fiend I "

Kind Gentleman (to little boy eating air apple: 41 Look out for the giubs, sonny." Little Boy: "When I eat an tipple tho grubs have to look out for themselves. If they get eaten_ it ser\e.i them right."

Beggar (standing on the corner): V Could vou give a poor cripple enough for a cup of coffee and a sandwich ? Good Old Lady: "Why my poor man, how are you crippled Beggar: I'inancially, lady."

" Why didn't vou go to the help of the 'defendant?" asked the examining counsel. " Yo i saw that the two men were iglitinc v». " Yes," said tho witness. but I had no'means of telling which one was going to be the defendant.

Wife: "And, knowing my sentiments cn the- subject, did that odious ill. 'Binks insult you by offering you, a drink?" Husband: " That s what Air. Binks did." " And/how did you resent it '! y> " I swallowed tho insult. v

Neighbour (to woman whoso husband has /fallen off scaffold): "I hope your pooil man is getting on all right, Mis. Bancs?" Mrs. Bangs: "Oh, yes he will ho out of tho hospital in a week or two; but it smashed his watch up- something cruel."

" But there's not room to swing a cat round," said a latl y to 'the caretaker who was showing her over an empty flat. " 'Tain't necessary that (hero should bo, muni," replied tho caretaker. One of tho rules of these 'ere mansions is thai no pets are allowed."

Tomuiic and Bobbie were standing before a penny-iri-tlic-siol machine. Tommy was much interested. " What is ft?" he asked. " What happens if you put a jienn{v in the hole?" ' Well," answered ]>obbie, " you put a penny into Ihe slot end you gel a half-pennyworth of tweets!"

" Some people thirst after fame, ethers after wealth, others after love," said the romantic young man with a sigh. Tho object ot his affections was not in the same mood, howevei. " And there is something all people thirst after." sho said. "Yes?" asked the lover eagerly. " Salt fish!"

\ business-like man stepped into n ' butcher's shop. " A piece of beef for roasting 1" he ordered briskly. Ihe meat moitlv hone, was thrown on the scales. "Look hero!' remonstrated the man. You're eiving me a big piece of bone." << oh - no I ain't,' said tho butcher blandiy, V You, are paying for it."

Bridegroom two days after tho wedding, 41 I haven't seen anything of that thousand pounds cheque from your father." 'Bride: ~ Well, you soc, dear, papa heard that your 1 -father had already given us one and he knew wo shouldn't caro to ' have duplicate presents, so ho is going to give us a silver cruet instead."