SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20426, 30 November 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

ABOVE THAT. " But," protested the visitor, "in 1 lio guide book you sent me it is stated that your hotel is only five minutes from the sea. It lias taken me a good halfhour to reach the promenade." " Ah," sneered the proprietor, "you've been walking. "We don't cater for pedestrians."

IN CASE OF TROUBLE. Two strangers had been paired off in the golf clul) tournament. One was Colonel Thunder, red of face, wild of stroke, free of tongue. The other was a meek man, introduced as Dr. Pywell. At tho first bunker Colonel Thunder took a long, silent look at his ball, then turned and exclaimed:—

" Pardon me, doctor, but beforo I tacklo this lie, would you mind telling me if your're a D.D. or an M.D. ?"

ONE BACK. A chorus girl was a guest at a smart party, and was pleased to find that an li old flame" of hers—a man with a title —was also present. She decided to pique him by treating him with lofty contempt, and, upon being introduced by their hostess, looked at him with studied indifference, and murmured: " Sorry 1 did not get your name." " No," was tho tart reply, " I know you didn't. But that wasn't your fault. You tried hard enough."

ONE OF THE TWO. It was their first meal at home after the honeymoon. For five minutes she had remained silent, watching him steadily working his way through tho food she had set beforo him.

" Oh, darling," she said, when the last mouthful ,liad disappeared, " I'm so glad to see you liked it. Mother says there are only two things I can make properly—potato salad and marmalade tart.

Her" husband looked up. " Indeed ? he replied. "Which one was that?"

QUITE ENOUGH. Ho was having (lie interview with his prospective father-in-law which might mean so much or so little to him. " Before I give my consent to the marriage," thundered the old man, " I must ask what income you will be receiving." " Six hundred pounds in all," ho answpred, without hesitation. ' Then, with the £SOO I allow my daughter, you will have—" Quickly ihe young man shook his head. "Oh, i have been* reckoning that in!" he explained.

THE OTHER VICTIM.

" Now, what's your trouble ?" asked the doctor.

The patient turned a weary face toward him.

" I'm afraid I've caught insomnia," he said. I can never get a wink of sleep until three o'clock in the morning." Tho doctor smiled. " But insomnia isn't contagious," ho reminded him. Tho patient sighed. "Itisin my case, doctor," he replied. " You sec, the baby next door has it."

LEAVING NO DjOUBT. Tho boss was very busy. He glanced with impatience at tho visitor's card which the office-boy placed on tho desk before him.

" I can't see him ! " he snapped. " Go and tell him I'm out. But make it sound convincing. I'm particularly anxious not to offend him."

" Yes, sir," replied the boy. He walked thoughtfully over to the door. Then ho turned, " Look here, sir." ho added, " don't you think it might seem mora convincing if I went to him smoking ono of your best cigars? "

A HALF-TIME REST. Ronnie's niother was firm in her refusal. " No," she said, " you can't have four helpings of pudding. Three is enough for any little boy." Ronnie's instant reply was a flood of tears. Not until a full hc*ur had passed did he stop bellowing. "A re you going to be good noiv ? " asked his mother. " I'm tired of hearing that noi.se. It hasn't been a bit of use, has it ?"

Ronnie's expression grew sour once more. " I haven't finished, anyway," he piped in defiant tones. " I'm only resting." BETTER, PERHAPS. While on a walking tour a man found himself skirting the borders of a very large estate. After covering some distance he came to an isolated cottage, where he made inquiries as to the chance ot! a meal. The old lady was quite agreeable, and asked him what he would prefer. " Could I have a couple of poached eggs ?' 'asked the traveller. " I'm sorry," replied l the woman, "that I have 110 eggs but" (here she whispered confidentially), "I can give you a good dinner of poached pheasant."

MAKING IT LAST.

My dear!" exclaimed Mrs. Snagge, " what a nice new hat you've got ! Where did it come from 1 "

Mrs! Mott looked pleased, " It's an old one, really." she said. "As a matter of fact, I bought it eight years ago. But T pride myself on having looked after it, well."

" You certainly have! How did you manage it ? " " Four years ago," explained Mrs. Mott. " 1 had it dyed. Tho year before last T ,put a new band round it. Six months ago I altered the shape of tho brim. Aiid yesterday I exchanged it in a restaurant."

PACT ON THE LINKS. The farmer owned fields on each side of the golf links. It so happened that he was taking a short cut from one to another, when the club's worst member was addressing his ball. Tho worst member waggled his driver to and fro for several minutes, missed four swings, and finally managed to hit the ball about a dozen feet. Then lie glanced up, and saw tho farmer.

"I say," he protested, "only golfers are. allowed on this course, vou know." The farmer nodded.

" I do know," he replied. " But I won't say muhin' if you don't."

ASKING FOR IT. The tall, angular woman v.as regarding the fisherman, as lie unloaded his boat, with an expression of deep disgust. When at last lie took out a fish rather smaller than tho rest she could contain herself no longer. " You cruel, wicked man ! " she shrilled. "How could you let a poor little thing like that swallow your naslv, sharp hook ?"

The fisherman looked up. " You attend to your own affairs," he said, " and don't go interferin' with mine. T should 'avd '.bought this 'ere fish would 'ave bin an example for you. If 'e'd kept 'is mouth shut, 'e wouldn't 'avo gone an' got 'imself into this trouble."