ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20426, 30 November 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Necessity is the mother of instalments,

The strongest water power is a woman s tears.

When a hen cackles it is laying, or lying-

Some' pigeons get plucked while they're living. < Hilda:" "Father says he would like to know your earning capacity." Henry: ."So would I, darling."

Stout Lady: "I would like to see an evening dress that would fit me." Shop 'Assistant: "So would I, madam!"

Mrs. Bait: "And is your daughter happily married?" Mrs. Lett: " Oh, yes. Her husband is scared to death of lier."

Eustace: Don't go. You are leaving mo entirely without reason.' Sheila: i: I always leave things as I find them."

'A headline read quite recently: " Astuan Dam Tender." It may be very tender, but why be so emphatic about it?

"You'll drive mo out of ray mind!" said the golfter, angrily, to his wife. ."'That would be a putt, dear—hardly a drive."- »

" What are you writing ?" " A letter to my wife." "Why do you write so slowly'"- "Because she can't read very fast.*'

" What kind of a woman is his wife ?" J" Well, he has as much chance of going out alone as one of the Siameso twins iKould."

" Darling:" she breathed, " if you had met mo would you have loved me just the same?" "Gf course I would, darling."

A rising danco floor has been installed at the Savoy, but it is not of the kind that rises up and hits you on the back of the head.

Clarence: "At what joint did your friend hive his arm amputated?" Clarissa: " That's a very disrespectful way to speak of a hospital."

"Another new dress! Where am I to get the money to pay for it?" "I don't know. I'm 3 r our wife, not your financial adviser."

Blondes blush more than brunettes, according to a scientific investigator. But that doesn't necessarily mean that blondes blush such an awful lot.

Jack; " Daddie took me to London ■yesterday and we had a Turkish bath." Jill: " That's nothing. We use Turkish towels every day at home.

Vicar: "I was grieved to hear your husband has gone at last." Mrs. Muggs: " Yes. 'e 'as, sir, an' I only hope 'e's 'gone where I know 'o ain't."

"If you are good," said the boy's father, *" I'll give you. u lovely, shiny, bright new penny." " A nasty,.dirty old shilling would do," said the boy.

Famous Actress: " Give this part to my daughter. She has inherited my talent." Producer: " Really ? I'd been •wondering what had become of it!"

"A well-known New York woman sued a specialist for damages because of a facelifting operation that was not a success. Hcoce the expression, " A spoilt beauty."

' /' !A report that blue rats had been seen In Covcnt Garden London has been denied, idle workers in the neighbourhood are indignant at the reflection on their habits.

|t| Hugh: •" Charles spends all his time trying to make his work lighter." Richardf "Yes, and his brother spends all his timo trying to make his lighter work." ?i '

Willorby: "How well you're looking this morning, Binks!" Binks: " 1 never looked - better in my life. I'm looking for a man, who owes me ten pounds!"

This copy of a genuine begging letter takes some beating:—"Please lend ine five pounds, and then forget that I ever existed. lam not worthy of your memory. "

He: '"You are always boasting that you werti a model for a famous artist—for what picture?'' - She: "For 'Cleopatra and the Snalie.' " " Who was Cleopatra ?"

Registrar (to prisoner): "Is there anything you would like to say before his Honor passes sentence?" Golf Fiend: '" Yes, ifr I'm going to be hanged, may It have a trial swing?"

Three Welshmen in an inn praising a jglass of beer: —First Man: "Best glass of beer I' never tasted no other!" Second Man: "So did I, neither." Third Man: Neither did I, too."

'An Aberdonian in London proposed to

mi English friend that they should give " a joint party. " We'll gang fuftyfufty," he said. "If you'll see to getling the whusky, I'll send oot the invitations."

A terrific flatter was heard coming Jfrom the kitchen. " Horrors!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith. " What is that noisu?" "Sure, Mum," came the voice of Bridget the maid, " you don't expect in*s to break" six plates and two dishes jftithoufc any noise."

Seeing ■an old negro white-washing his chicken-house a visitor stopped and spoke. ■' Say, Sambo," he said, " if you were do use a bigger brush you'd do twice as much work." "Is dat so?" queried {jambo. " But you see, massa. I habn't pot twite as much work to do."

Tom, aged nine, who considers himliclf an " old boy," was overheard instructing Peter, who is to go io school shortly: '"I can tell you one thing—you'll find school quite different from home. They won't call you Peter, '.they'll call you by your heathen name!"

The general knowledge class had been iliscussing forms of government. Tho weary teacher at. length propounded the question:—"Well, Simpson, what is the difference between a King and a President?" "Please, sir, a King, is the son of his father, but a President isn't."

" Ah," said tho doctor, looking into one eve, " it is easy for mo to see what iis the matter with you. This is not merely eye trouble: it is an affection of the nervpus system. Thert} are all the. signs of liver trouble, fatty degeneration tf the heart, of a bad blood supply. The only thine I can recommend is—" " Here, hers!" criqd the pationt, " isn't it about ii?*® e d into the other eye ? rbnt'» my glass one, you know.". illßUi/: v ' '