SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20420, 23 November 1929, Page 10 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

810 HEADS. A Sunday-school teacher had been lecturing her class on virtue and its subsequent reward. " Now tell mo." she said, " what sort of peoplo will wear tho biggest crowns when they go to heaven?" " Those with tho biggest heads," answered her brightest pupil. <

WHAT THE EVENING WORE. " The evening wore on," continued tho man who was telling tho story. " Excuse mo," interrupted the club wit, " but can you tell us what the evening was wearing?" " I don't know that it is important," replied the story-teller, " but I believe it was the close of an autumn day."

THEY'RE OFF. A layman whose duty it was to read tho lessons in church came to a passage concerning " the chariots of Israel and the horsemen thereof." Unfortunately, the word " horsemen" came at the bottom of the page, and, after a slight pause occupied in turning over, he startled his hearers by pronouncing the next word as " they're off." OUT OP THE QUESTION. Wealthy father (to would-be son-in-law) : "Is it my daughter you want, sir, or is it her money?" Suitor: " Sir, you know very well that I aip an amateur athlete." " What's that got to do with the matter ?" " A great deal, sir. It bars rne -from taking part in any event for money." TOO LATE. Cecil's mother made it a rulo that if ho came to the dinner table lato he was not to speak during tho meal. Tho other day, as soon as he entered tho room, he began: "I say, mother," but his mother quickly reVninded him of the rule.

" But, mother "ho persisted. " Not a word." When dinner was over, bis mothc: asked what ho wanted to saw

" Oh, I only wanted to say baby was filling daddy's socks with condensed milk."

The following story is about an American who was motoring through Coventry on the day of the " Godiva" procession. A friend told him that if lie would pull his car into the side of the road he would shortly see a woman go by on a white horse.

"Gee!" said the American, "I guess I'll wait, I ain't seen a white horso for years." The friend passed this on to a Scotsman, who stared blankly for a moment and then said gravely, " Weel, I'm told they Americans will gio as mucklo as twa pounds a bottle for the stuff." MINE, THANK YOU i Through the busy streets a policeman led a child by the hapd. A motherlylooking woman paused in front of them. Then, in a. sudden burst of sympathy, she bent and gave the child a hearty kiss. " Poor lambie," she said. " She looks so cold and starved, and can't havo been washed for a week. Some people ought never to 'ave children. Where did you find the poor mite ?" "Find Ik:?" echoed tho policeman, indignantly. " What d'you mean ? She's my own kiddy!"

ALL FARES, PLEASE! The tram conductor was taking the collection at his place of worship for the first, time. There were several children in the first pew, and each put in a penny. The people in the next pew also contributed. A big, glum man was alone in the third pew. The collector passed him the bag, but the man shook his head and stuck his hand deep in his pocket. The conductor stopped, put up a hand as if to pull the bell-cord, and, amid muffled titters, said, " Well, vou'll have to fret off!" THE INSULT. It was their honeymoon trip, and tho first time they had ever been way from their native village. As they waited 011 the platform, for the guard to bundle their boxes out of the van, the young bride and bridegroom were obviously embarrassed.

Then a porter came up and asked: " Can I look after your baggage, mister?" The blood mounted to the bride's cheeks and, turning to her husband she demanded : " Well, well, well! If ye ain't agoin' to thrash him for refairin' to mo liko that, ye're no man, George!" GLAD TO GET RID OF HER. The modern Romeo was making arrangements for eloping with his Juliet. " Now, darling," he said, " we'll run over our schedule for the last time. The car will be at the door just before midnight. You understand that?" " Yes, precious."

" I'll creep round to your window and throw a handful of stones up against it Lo let you know I'm there. Do you follow me, sweetheart?"

" Absolutely, my own." "You will then erejp downstairs, with your suitcase. You'll bo quite ready with it when I arrive, won't you?" She nodded.

" Quite, dearest," she replied. " Mother s packing it for me now."

PERFECT. An amateur theatrical company was arranging for the performance of a play which contained a rich variety of characters. Owing to this fact little progress was made with the cast —a few members of the company making a dead set at principal positions, while minor characters were going a-begging. One vacuous-looking youth mado himself particularly obstructive, and brought down the wrath ot a colleague. "In my opinion, exclaimed the latter, "young Smart must, in the interests of economy, take the part of Siinkins the Fool." "Why economy?" demanded Smart, ind gnantly. "Well, my dear fellow," was (he quiet reply, " you won't need any makeup." REAL CONSIDERATION. She was known far and wide for the lavish entertainments which she gave for her friends at periodic intervals. She was also known as the biggest snob of her decade. Oil one occasion she approached a famous violinist with the request that he would play at her next party. The great man acquiesced. " But." "lie said, '' I suppose you know, madam, that my fee is one hundred guineas'?" She nodded.

" I do," she replied. " And you know, I suppose, that you will not be expected to mingle with the guests ?" The violinist looked relieved. "Is that so?" he exclaimed. "Then I'll bo pleased to perform for ten gujucas less,"