ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20420, 23 November 1929, Page 10 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Mother is the necessity of convention.

A clever'man can always tell a woman's fcge, but never does.

No man can be said to be getting on jvcll until ho is getting well off.

When a long, lanky girl inherits a lortuno she becomes stately and tall.

The only way for a woman to keep a man at a distance is for her to marry him.

Jackson: M nearly got killed twice to-day." Johnson: "Once would have been enough."

Salesman: " This machine will cut your .work in half." Customer: "Then give me two of them!"

Hill: " Did Cohen try hard to sell you some of his goods?" Gill: "He almost talked his arm off."

Band Leader: " Why were you silent lor five minutes?" Saxophone Soloist: That was a request number."

Author: " When my play was produced the public' stormed the box-office. Friend: i"Did they get their money back ?"

" Now this coat I will let you have at half the catalogue price." " And >vhat is the price of the catalogue?"

" I thought Jin would marry one of the twins." "No; he said if lie couldn't have an exclusive model ho wouldn't have any."

Employer: "Can you show a recommendation t" Applicant: "Well, I was —er —recommended to mercy by a jury once."

Commercial Traveller: "May I show you something really smart in silk stockings?", Draper (eagerly): "What's she like?"

He: "When I dance with you I feel as though I were treading on tlie clouds." She: " Don't be mistaken. Those are my feet,"

Ma: '"Dearest, I think we should give Roderick a 'cello for his birthday." Pa: '"All right; but don't let him eat too much of it."

Diner: "You must be a little deaf waiter." Waiter: " No, sir. Why sir?" "Well, I distinctly ordered live —not leather."

Dentist: "What is your occupation?" Patient: " I'm a comic artist on a weekly paper." " Then I'll try to live up to my profession as you fellows draw me.

Shopkeeper: "I don't want any slot, machines that involve gambling.' Customer: " That's quite all right-. 'lhe customer hasn't got a chance with these."

Employer: "Now, I want to be sure of getting a smart lad. Are you quick to take notice?" Applicant: "Yes, sir. I've had it three times in the last fortnight-"

Teacher: " What is your father's occupation, Ida?" Ida: "He's a worm imitator." "And what is that?" "He bores holes in furniture for an antique dealer."

Artist: " Now that good pictures won't «ell, I have'- made up my mind to paint nothing but rubbish." Friend: " Now let's see, %\'ks this picture painted before or after your decision T'

Beggar: ''Can I see the lady of the house?"' Maid: "Mrs. Brown Won't be in till five o'clock. You'll have to come round again then." " I'm afraid I can't miss. I only work from eight to ' four." )

" George dear, will you make breakfast, to-day V " Why, Alary, aren't you feeling well?" "No, I'm not. And, Geoj-ge, just bring me in some porridge, bacon and eggs, and five or six pieces of toast."

Broker: "I have brought you five hundred shares of common stock, madam." Mrs. Fitzwaller: " Well, I don't want them. What on earth would my friends say if they knew Pd got anything common ?"

Mistress: "I'm sorry you've thrown over your young man, Mary. He's been so useful in the garden all the summer." •' Still, ma'am, I think you'll like my new boy just as well for the winter jnonths. He's a plumber."

The little girl was reading out her prize-winning essay: " And then I usually end up the ' day by playing a game of chess with my brother." " But you don't play chess, dear!" exclaimed her mother. " I know. I wanted to put dominoes, but I couldn't spell it."

In New York a girl is reported to have ■walked into a photographer's shop with the query: "Do you make life-size enlargements from snapshots?" Photographer : "That's our special line, miss." Girl: "Fine. Here's a snapshot I took of Westminster Abbey."

Sandy M.cTavish had a three-valve [wireless set given to him by a friend. One day, a few weeks after, he met his friend, who asked how he liked the set. " Verra guid!" " Verra guid!" replied Sandy. " Tho music and everything else comes thro' splendidly, but," he added after a pause, " tho lights are noo guid for reading." -

An American was telling tall stories. Said he: "I was once at a boat race. It was such a close thing that the winning boat only won by the thickness of the paint on its bow." An Irishman ■who heard the story said: " Well, I myself Was one time at a race meeting, and it ■was a very near thing. Just before the finish a wasp stung my horse on the nose—and he won by the blister."

A gentleman drove up to an hotel, and calling the ostler to him said: " Extricate the quadruped from the vehicle, stabulate it, render it an ample supply of nutritious aliment, and when the auroral morn shall illuminate the oriental horizon I will reward thee with a pecuniary compensation for your amiable hospitalities." The ostler gaped at the man, and, rushing in to his employer, said: "Governor, here's a bloomin' Dutchman wants to speak to you."

A young and keen London policeman was being shown his first night beat by the sergeant. "Do you see that red light in the distance?" asked tho sergeant. " Well, that's the liimt of your beat. Now get on with it." The young constable departed, and was not seen again for a week. When at length ho tarned np at headquarters the sergeant asked furiously where he had been. " You Somember that red light?" said the policeman. Well it waa the tail light of a going to Newcastle. And I Mowed