SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20366, 21 September 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

A BETTER VIEW.

Sho hiul been poking round the big stores for quito half an hour when one of the assistants approached and asked: — " What do you require, madam 5" "Oh. I'm just looking!" canio the answer. " Madam," said the assistant, " if you take the lift to our roof garden you will l>e ablo to sec a good deal farther."

NO EXPERIENCE.

A negro turned up one morning at a registry oflice in an American town and asked if there was any work for him Tho cierk looked down his lists for some time, and said eventually: "There is a job here that might suit you. They aro needing a hand at the Eagle Laundry."

The darkio looked doubtful. " Wal, sah,*' ho said slowly " I am't. tiebber had 110 'sperience washiti' eagles."

NOT WHAT SHE EXPECTED.

Sho had noticed tho huskiness in his voice, and the nervous manner in which ho fidgeted in his chair told her a lot. Sho knew what was coming.

" Joan," he said, and his throat, seemed dry and parched, " would you—could you -do you think you--" " Oo on, George," sho murmured, encouragingly. " I'm listening." " Would you—er—do you think you could —get mo a drink of water! I'm as dry as u bone."

THE SCOTSMAN AGAIN,

Two Scotsmen wero taking a walk, and wero hot and tired. "Hao ye got any food wi' ye, Dougal':" asked one. " A'vo a bottle of wliuskv. What hac you, Angus?" "Dried tongue," was the reply. "Guid! Then we'll gao halves wi' oor proveesions." Tho whisky was duly divided arid drunk. Angus wiped his lips. " Noo for yer dried tongue, Dougal." " Mon," said Dougal, "it's no dry tho noo!"

OFF THE TRACK

A certain railway line had tho reputation of being very badly laid. A train was rushing along at seven miles an hour, and rocking atrociously. Passengers were rolling from one side of the carriage to the other or holding on like grim death to tho window straps.

Presently the motion became a little steadier. A traveller smiled faintly at tho quiet-looking man sitting opposite, and remarked. " Wo seem to bo going smoother " '' Yes." said the other, '' we'ro off the rails now."

'«A CATCH SOMEWHERE."

.\ car dealer had an old car that he could not manago to sell. At last ho said to his assistant: " The only way to get rid of that thing is to mark- it down until they've got to buy. Letter a placard and put ' Who will take this car away for £sl" Tho next day a customer entered and asked: "Is that a bona fide offer?" On being told that it was, ho replied: " Well, I'm siuo there's a catch somewhere; but I'll tako a chance on it. Hand over the £5!"

AN ARDENT SUPPORTER,

The devout old lady was doing her best to stand up for tho vicar against a group of hostile parishioners. "He never preaches the same sermon more than once!" she declared.

"He does!" contradicted one of her opponents; " I've heard him preach his Whitsun sermon no less than four times." f

Tears welled up in the brave little woman's eyes. " Well, a.t any rate," she said, " he always thumps on the pulpit in different places!"

WAITING- HIS TURN,

The Irish emigrant just landed in New York was making his way into tho city when ho was halted at a busy crossing. Interestedly ho watched the traffic police man.

Every now and again the latter would hold up tho traffic and call out "Pedestrians," but tho successive rushes across tho street always left the Irishman behind. Onco more the policeman shifted his position and shouted "Pedestrians!" "If that doesn't beat everything!" muttered Murphy. "Hay, mister!" he yelled to the policeman, " when are ye goin' to let some Catholics across?"

UPS AND DOWNS

In a certain villago the squire offered give a thermometer to every cottager, arid carefully explained its use. Soon after their arrival a district visitor entered one house, where a new thermometer hung proudly in the middle of tho room. Tho visitor complimented tho owner, and inquired 'f she remembered the instructions. " Aye, that I do." was tho reply. " I 'angs 'un there, and I watches 'un until he gets above 60." " Quito right, Mrs. Brown," said the visitor. " And what do you do when it goes above 60?" " I takes 'un down and puts 'un out in the garden and cools 'un down a bit!"

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

" Harry," exclaimed the girl, " this declaration of love is so sudden that I scarcely know what to say. It unnerves me."

" I was afraid it might," said the young chemist, " and I brought with me a bottle of my unrivalled nervo tonic. This preparation, darling," be added, as he took the bottle from his pocket, quickly extracted the cork, and poured a quantity oi the medicine into a spoon he had also brought with him, " will allay any undue excitement, quiet the, nerves, aid the digestion, and restore lost appetite I sell it at lialf-a-crowh a bottle. This is a dose for an adult. Take it, dearest."

THE TRAM AND THE BUS,

Jenkins was a commercial traveller, arid usually rushed about at topmost speed One day he had to visit a small pro vincial town, and hoarded an ancient tram to get to his destination. Ifo had been sitting patiently for some time, waiting for the tram to start,, when a motor-bus dashed round the corner, and ho saw .that it was bound for the place he wanted.

Jenkins leaped from tho tram with tho agi'.itv of a trained acrobat, rushed after tho bus, and clambered on. But the tram conductor was not to fie outdone, and he yelled after him : "Hi, mister! What d'yj take this for—a waiting room?"

A SERIOUS MATTER.

Tho train was racirtg along at sixty mile? an hour, and Robinson was dozing in a corner of his compartment when he was disturbed by a fellow-passenger rushing along tho corridor. " Excuse ino," gasped this excited individual, " but is your wife a rather stout woman wearing a brown costume and a red hat?"

" Yes," replied tho astonished Robinson. " What's all tho excitement about?" " Excitement!" exclaimed tho other. " Tho excitment ii, that she's just fallen out of tho train."

"Good heavens!" shrieked Robinsort. " Don't stand there doing nothing. Pull the communication cord, Sho's jj°t both tho ticketj,"