ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20366, 21 September 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Wise Man: " Never judge a woman by her iiat, or a car by its bonne'.."

Ho: " I am burning with love." She ?' Oh, don't make a fuel of yourself!"

/" [ would like a rise in saUrj for reasons." "Those arc?" " Twins."

Some amateur gardeners grow impatient becauso they can't grow anything

SI one-Broke: " Tt's hopeless to try (o meet, a woman, or a cheque, unless you trie in funds."

"How do you like your new boss?" *' All right, except that ho will talk shop Hnring oilico hours."

Adam: " I'll soon show you who's Tunning this house!" Eve: " \ou cant; it's her evening out."

Visitor: "Is this village lighted by electricity?" Villager: "Only when there's a thunderstorm."

Heavy-footed Dancer: "May I have tho last danco with you?" > Partner (coldly): " You'vo just had it."

legs now." Patient: "I know. I'vo just sold tho car to pay your bill."

" Alice could have married anybody flic pleased." " Then why is sho still singlo?" "She never pleased anybody."

Wallace: "Why don't you marry Gladys? Afraid to pop the question?" Horace: "No; -afraid to question tho pop.". .

"I didn't marry beauty, mv bov; I marry wealth or position; I mar ried for sympathy." " Well, you have mine "

Aunt Jane: " Robert, aro you teaching Hie parrot to swear?" Robert: "No, Hiintio. I'm just telling him what not to say."

He; "If you won't marry me, I'll plunge into the sea!" Sho: "Wait till J get my bathing costume. I'll eomo with you."

Daughter: "Mother, we must get a trip to, Rotorua out of father." Mother: " All right. What doctor shall wo ko to this time?"

Mrs, Brown eyed tho joint wrathfully. "''Tell your master," she said to tho butcher's boy, " that I shall buy meat elsewhere if ho doesn't correct the error of his ' weighs.' "

Ho had just stepped aboard tho lirier nfc Liverpool when a telegram was handed him. It read: "Heaven keep you from your loving wife."

"They say Mr. Destyle'is financially embarrassed!" " Well, he's horribly in debt, but it would tako more than that to embarrass him."

Agitated Old Lady: " Oh, porter, I've lost my luggage!" Porter (entirely ■without sympathy): " Then ii's not mo yo'il bo •wantin', ma'am."

Air. Du'ob (at concert): " She has ciuite a largo repertoire, hasn't she?" Mrs. Dubb: "Yes, and that dress she's wearing makes it look all tho worse."

Mrs. Tapp: '* I've noticed that the farmers always have a man for a scarecrow." Mr. Tapp: "That's because they couldn't afford to dress a woman •c'arecrow."

Magistrate: " You say defendant struck you threo times and knocked you down ?■" Witqessi "He did. sir." " And what did you do then?" "I asked him if ho'd finished."

" Choer up!" said the lawyer. "We may still win this case. I haven't exhausted all tho means—" " But you'vo exhausted all mine!" interrupted tho client gloomily.

" Life is mysterious, beautiful and wonderful !" exclaimed tho poet in ecstasy. At tho same moment his wife called: " Tho grocer won't leave the goods unless ho receives tho cash 1"

Small Boy: "The Sunday School teacher ia\ : 3 I'll go. to hea\;en if I'm good." Ilis Father: "Well?' 4 "Well, you said if I was good I'd go to tho circus; now, tvho's telling the truth 1"

Frivolous Old Lady: "Are you going to Dorking?" Bus Conductor: " Yes, madam-; hurry np!" " Oh, I don't want ,to go there, but I was just thinking what p. lovely day you've got for it."

Teacher; " Who was King of France during the revolution?" Confused Student:- "Louis tho Thirteenth—no, the Fifteenth—no, the Fourteenth —no, the i—well, anyhow, he was in his teens."

Jack had been told that a tradition is Bomcthing handed down from parents to chiJdren. So the next day at school he explained to his teacher that he was late fcecause " Mother had to mend my tra.dilibns."

A chorus girl who had been ill returned nt length to the cast. To one cf her " friends " she said, " Well, how do you think I'm looking after the 'flu ?" The other replied, sweetly, "Xo worse than, usual, darling."

" What's the first thing you do when cleaning your rifle?" the sergeant demanded. " Look at fho number," said the hard case. " Oil," said tho sergeant, •"and what's the big idea?" "To make •ure I don't -clean someone else's."

At tho close of a political meeting tho Candidate found himself carried shoulder liigli by an enthusiastic audience, "''Thanks all the same," he said, " but I can wjdk to my car." "Car!" they yelled, "it's to the .creek you're going."

Prospective Son-in-law: " I quite fail to fee your objection. You admit my character is without blemish." Father: " Yes, that's just, tho trouble. Nice thing it, >vould be for mo to go through tho rest of ryy life with you hold up as a shining example!"

A diminutive father was introducing his six foot-two son to his friends at tho clul/. " This i.'i my boy, Ronald, just clown from Oxford," said tho proud father. " Really," said an old friend, gazing at tho young giant; "quito a block of tho old chip, isn't he?"

Two commercial travellers were discussing the character of a third. Ono defended him, and the other disparaged lis honesty. " Well," said tho first, " you must admit ho has lots of moral prihciple." "He ought, to have," retorted tho second, " for ho nover uses iiny."