SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20306, 13 July 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. Mrs. Nowlyrich. "Now, be careful, George, at Bronson's dinner to-night. Don't eat with your knife." George: "Don't worry. I've eaten with my knife for 30 years and never cut myself " A BROKEN ROMANCE. " Yes, I've broken our engagement, lie takes me to a show and tells mo it's a tragedy For two acts ho lets mo sit there and weep, and finally, in (lie third act, he tells mo H>< wholo thing is a farce. I've finished I" SOLICITUDE UNAPPRECIATED. Jim (to Jack, who lias already been asked tho question ten times): \\ ho gave you that black eye?" Jack: "No one. I was looking at a cricket match through a hole in the fenco and it got sunburnt !" JUST ONE THING. The master was talking of the wonder ful strides made .n scienco since the days before the war. Presently he noticed that ono hoy was not attending. "Jones!" he said sharply, "can you toll mo one thing of importance which did not exist 50 years ago Jones came out of his day dreams with a start. "Me sir!" he said. JUifT SO. In the smoke room of a club two business men just past middle-age were adversely criticising the young men of today. Said one: "Look how reluctant the young men aro to marry and settle down." " That's so," replied tho other. " They seem to fear marriage. Why, before I was married I didn't know the meaning of fear!" A BRILLIANT SHOT. " Now, boys," began the master of the history class, " tell mo what you know about Hamlet's uncle." For somo minutes thero was a complete silence. Then a small boy held up his hand. " Please, sir, ho was better than anybody else at shooting birds," he said. " Indeed, and what makes you think that?" asked the schoolmaster, with a sarcastic smile. " Well, I read in a book that he did murder most foul," replied, the young hopeful EXPLAINING THE REASON. Tho express had not been living up to its reputation. First, it would go forward 50 yards or so, then back, then stand still, puffing uncertainly, and then begin the samo things all over again. At last one of tho travellers lost patience and called the guard. "What's the matter with this train?" he demanded. " Backing up and jerk-, ing forward in this awful way?" " It's quite all right, sir," the guard assured him. " I think the engine-driver is toaching his wife to drive." WASTING HIS TIME. A political canvasser had been standing or. tho doorstep for three-quarters of an hour enlarging on tho benefits his party would bestow upon supporters. As he did not appear to bo making any particular headway lie asked the lady of tho houso whether it would be any use for him to call when her husband was at home. " Well—er—no, I don't think so," came tho unexpected reply. " I should have told you before—you see, we're already insured with another company!" WRONG ONCE AGAIN. They had just returned from a bridge party, and the husband was a very bad loser. This evening he was in a particularly trying temper because they had lost even more than usual. Over supper they wer9 talking about the game, and the man was going over most of tho hands he had held. " Now, in tho last," ho complained to his wife, " you might have guessed that I hadn't got a heart." " Oh, I knew that a long time ago," returned the other sweetly, " but I did think you had a brain." BUSINESS IS BUSINESS. An Irish priest offered sixpence to the boy who could tell him who was the greatest man in history. " Christopher Columbus," answered one boy. " George Washington," answered another boy. " St. Patrick." shouted a bright little Jewish boy. "Tho sixpence is yours," said the priest; " but why did you say St. Patrick ?" " Right down in my heart I knew it was Moses," said the Jewish Boy, " but busii ness is business " ! HE WAS CAUGHT. | In desperation the unemployed Irish j man decided to take to highway robbery 1 In U lonely valley ho spotted a victim " Your money or your life," ho cried, presenting a wicked-looking revolver at the man's head Up went the other's hands. Ho looked the bandit up and down. ' Ah'll g:o yo all ma siller for yon pistol," ho said at length " Agreed," returned the other, and receiving tho money, handed over tho revolver. " Och. yo fulo !* roared tho victim " Hand mo back ma siller, or I'll blaw oot what littlo brains yo hae!" The Irishman was on the point of making a tiasty retreat. " Blaze away," ho cried jubilantly, " for there's niver a bullet in the gun " NOTHING WRONG. Ho had decided to sell his car—if he could—and when a gullible-looking fellow knocked at his door and asked to seo it, tho owner eagerly flung open the garage doors and maxed the car into tho road way. " She's a beauty!" he said. " Jump in and I'll take you for a run!" The potential buyer jumped in, and the owner managed to persuade tho car to snort her way up a fairly steep stretch of road immediately ahead " She'll go up hero liko a bird!" he chuckled, hoping for tho best. " Just watch !" A hundred yards up tho slope tho car emitted a loud cough, trembled violently, and began to run backwards Tho owner forced a smile and hung on grimly to tho steering wheel Tho potential buyer eyed him doubtfully What 3 the idea ?" he asked sus piciously. " Wo'ro going backwards!" "Quito all right!" grinned tho wouldbe vender. " I-er-that is, I'vo left my tobacco pouch on the piano!"