ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20306, 13 July 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Bachelor: " I've got half a mind to get married. Another: " Well, that's all you need."

First Flapper: " Do you let men kiss you ?" Second Difto: " No; but I'm not very strong."

Officer: "Seen my baggage, Smith?" tVivato Smith: " She's waiting round the corner for ye, sir."

She: "Why tho big laugh?" He: !' Chap just turned a corner." " Well ?" ''Thero wasn't one! "

" Should hark bo written with a capital Ji!" "Of course; a bank is no good .without a largo capital.

" It Gwendolyn tho sort of girl, who ;would give away your secrets?" "Not Sf she could sell 'em."

Bessie: " Why did you marry that old Ibundorcloud ? " Jessie: "Oh, just because of tho silver lining."

" A man should be wealthy before he Biarrics." " Yes, because it's tho last opportunity bo'll ever have."

Muriel: "Everything they eat is ordered fever tho phono." Marjorio: "Yes; they livo from hand to mouth-picce."

Captain on ship: "Need any help?" [Aviator (after floating four days at sea): !' No, we're just changing a tvre."

Sho (coyly): "If you had to marry before tho" clock strikes twelve to-night ■what would you do ? " He: " Stop the clock."

Very Stout Woman (to friend): " 1 *ates goin' out in company, bein' so fat. People laugh at mo a' I feel so bloomin' small."

First Street Musician: "Do you think thev can hear us all right ? " Second Ditto: " Yes. Somebody's just shut down a window."

"My husband's so jealous." " Isn't that embarrassing ? " " Yes. Isn't yours jealous? " " Not a bit." 1 Isn t that humiliating ? "

Family Friend: "So your boy trot his JB.A. and M.A. before leaving college?" His Host: " Yes, indeed; but his PA still supports him."

Teacher: " Were you ill yesterday, Oswald ?" Oswald" Yes'm—mamma won a prize at tho whist drivo and I ate most of it,"

" Wore yon caTeful, Willie, about wiping your hands on that new towel ? " ■ 4 ' Yes, mother, I left a good big white placo for littlo sister."

"Were you tracing my namojn the sand?" asked the heiress. "Yes, replied the young man, hastily covering up the row of figures he had made.

Young Man (growing impatient): "How long will it bo before Doris makes her appearance ? " Girl's Young >( Brother: " She's upstairs making it now."

Magistrate: "So this is tho fifth person you'vo knocked down this year." Girl Scorcher: "Pardon mc—tho fourth. One of them was the samo person twice."

" Thankful ? What havo 1 get to bo thankful for? I can't even pay mv bills." " Why, man be thankful that you aro not ono of your own creditors."

Golf Pro: "Now one important thing for mo to tell you, sir, is always to keep your eye on your ball." Novice (suspiciously I: " Oh, is that the sort of club I've joined?"

Tho man who had been held up by bandits was very bitter about it. " For a moment," lie said, " my heart leaped with joy. I. thought they said: 'Your money or your wife

A lady was employing ai char for daily work. "And what is your charge?" sho asked. " Fonr shillings a day mum," •was the reply, " if I eats myself and three shillings ii you eats me."

" Why did you off your engagement?" "Because of my fiancee's past." " Did you find cut anything bad ?" " Not exactly—but it is too long for me—forty-two years."

Forter: " I've put your luggage in, eir, and your wife is in tho front coach. Y'ou'vo just got time to catch it." Contemptible Husband: "Don't fluster mo like this, you fathead. I just want time to miss it,! "

The tramp eyed the joints displayed Sn the butcher's shop " You havo meat to suit all purses, I presume?" he said. >" Yes," snapped tho butcher. " What have you to suit an empty purse?" "Thc'cold shoulder."

Frietid: " A good deal depends on the formation of early habits." Hardup* " I Know it. When I was a baby my mother paid a woman to wheel mo round, and I've b-ien pushed for money ever since."

" How die! Santa Claus treat you' " f* Fust rate; Jim C'olson brought back that cun he borrower]. I found my old jarkEniio in the cow-shed, my taxes was redooced four shillings, an' my mother-in-law wroto to say she couldn't visit us.'

The new boarder rang the bell. "I want to speak to you about this egg." •" Well," said the landlady, " and what have yovl to say?" "Listen to the egg first." was tho reply, " and tell mo if you think tlioro is anything I can usefully add.

" What sort of player is Mr. TliompEon? " tho golfer asked his caddio. "He's M>ocl at all, sir Ho can't hit a ball." _ Oh, that, sounds good,'' said tho golfer jovially, 'I , n playing this afternoon for half-a-acrown." " He'll lick Jo! -said tho caddie.

An Arncrif.-in tourist, thinking to get a HH'i Diit of an old Highland minsitcr, remarked: " Don't you think if a man left *noiiKh money to your church he'd get to J":avf:n '/ " Awcel," was tlie cautious Tftjily. " 1 wadna Ray that for a fact, but it'it v/eel worth tryin'."

Aunt Jane wan spnriK-cleaning when f)or nicco called with tho budget of family mvin. film listened calmly to tho recital, Lnclo Joo died last Friday—ground Tom ban pneumonia—Aunt Mary JnA'J to have an operation." Then, with a •yinpftthetie nod; she iiaid: "Yes, it's •II trouble, isn't it ? And we've got faoth in our mattress nowl'i