ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXVI, Issue 20300, 6 July 1929, Page 8 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"How long were you engaged to Clarice?" "I don't linow; my watch stopped."

Young Lady: "Can I keep this milk long?" Dairyman: "As long as you like, if you buy it."

Counsel: "You corroborate your husLand's evidence?" Witness: "Certainty not! It is all true."

Frank: " Please, teacher, can you move your brain?" Teacher: "Of course not." " Then how do you change your mind ?"

" Joe is one of those mawkish lovers." "Why's that?" "lie always says, * Just one mawkish and then we'll part.'

He: "Do you think that miracles hap pen at tlio magic hour of midnight?' She: " I would if you were to go home.'

Wo were talking about Winslone Churchill's surplus. Dear Old Ladv: Thero now, and I never knew lie wore one!"

He: "Every time I kiss you it makes mo a belter man." She: "Well, you don't liavo to try to get to hoflven in one night,"

" Simpson is very attentive to his wife, it appears." "Yes; lie always oils the lawnmower for her l-eforo he goes to the office."

" We had an astonishing case of kidnapping in our houso last week." Really! How did it happen?" "The baby slept nil night."

Teacher: "Johnny, can you define nonsense!" Johnny: "Yes. teacher—an elephant hanging over a cliff with its tail lied to a daisy!"

Film Actor (to latest wile): " What a beautiful necklace! Who gavo it to you?" latest Wife (a cinema actress) : " My next husband. Pretty, isn't it?"

Customer (graciously): "I may eventually sc-ttlo in tlio neighbourhood." Shopkeeper (getting anxious about his account): "I hope so, madam, I hope bo." *

" Since Dorothy married slio has stopped wearing high heels—tier husband disapproves of them." "I ■ always said she'd lower herself by marrying that man."

Doctor (to patient's husband): "I'm afraid your wife indulges in too much loquacity." Husband: "Not at all, doctor; she never tastes anything alcoholic !"

Mother: "Bobbie, cook tells me you called her an old fool. Did you ?" Bobbie: "Yes, mummy." Mother (distractedly): " Well, Bobbie, I'm glad you're truthful, anyway."

Freddie (at the football match): " See that inside left ? lIo'U bo our best man before the season's much older." Romantic Trixie: "Oh, darling, isn't i'. is rather sudden?"

" I'm going homo to mother," she 6obbed, " and I never want to seo you again." "Too late," 110 murmured; "your mother went home to grandmother last night."

Business Man (engaging typist): "Anil what are your qualifications?" She. " Well, I can type a bit, and do a little shorthand, and I'm—er—a perfectly splendid dancer."

Josephine (reading conclusion of long letter): " Then I v.-jll come home and marry the sweetest little girl on earth." Juliet: "What a mean trick! After Leitsg engaged to you

Wife (of famous actor, on motor tour): " I think it would be policy to pull un dear." Famous Actor: "Why. what's the matter?" "It's a policeman with an autograph book."

"What do vou make a week?" asked ii iudge of an Italian organ-grinder. "£3 a week, sare" " WliaL' £3 for grinding ?\n organ ? M s<ivc!j not for (lu j^rind. but for da shut up and go away."

Tiio following figured on a list of forthcoming services and sermons-posted outside a certain church: —"Wednesday. Evensong 6.30 p.m. The vicar will preach. Subject: Prepare for the worst. The choir will sing."

Father O'Flynn: "You don't seem to havo a thought for anything but motoring. Why don't you put your wife before your car sometimes?" Motorist: "My word, that's a good idea. But no—l'm scared of being found out!"

After terrific struggles, the schoolboy finished his examination paper. Then, at the end, ho wrote: " Dear Mr. Examiner, —lf you sell any of my answers to the papers, as 4 Howlers.' I expect you to liand me half tho profits."

"Inquirer (to nerve specialist) : " And is your treatment completely successful?" Specialist: "Successful' I should think it is. Only last week one of my patients, who had no nerve a month ago, tried to borrow fifty pounds from me!'•

" Gasper borrowed half-a-crown this morning as I was coming along to meet you; then he rushed off without a single word. I wonder what makes him so impetuous ?" " Gasper is always like that. .With him it's ' touch and go.' "

" A Kathleen Sfavonrneen loan 1" questioned a judge in an Irish court. " What iri the world is that?" " That s what wo call some loans in our parts," the witness replied. " They are the 'lt may Le for years and it may lo for ever ' sort."

A man was discussing the character of another whoso methods in money matters resembled those of the heathen. "Straight ? Him straighthe replied scornfully in answer to a question, " Why if you was to give him a 'andful of nails they'd turn to screws in his pockets."

A bookmaker sent his assistant to call on j) duke to collect some money the latter owed him. " And be sure," the bookmaker said emphatically, " to say ' your Grace ' to him." When the assistant'was shown into the duke's presence he closed his eyes and.said: •' For what I am '.bout to receivo may I bo truly thankful."

The doctor had received an urgent call from the homo of a young couple Arriving; ho found the young father 011 the doorstep, watch in band. " What's tho trouble?" asked tho doctor. ''Nothing this time, doctor. My wife jnst wanted to see how quickly you could get here in case sho was taken suddenly ill. You did it in four minutes this time.".