ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIV, Issue 19608, 9 April 1927, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

- _■ s. -:'l\ j _ / . V ;" , . ■' { t . "Is that water warm?" "It ought to be; it's been running half an hour." " Isn't he rather fast for you, Mabel ?" "Yes he is. But I don't think he'll get away." j ' ' f-y , Fair Young Thing (to sailor): "Tell me, do they close the portholes when the tide rises? " ■ ' ! 1,1 ' • r Mrs. Newlywed: " I want a pound .of mincemeat, and please take it from a nice young mince." One motorist (to another): " Where do ycu park your pedestrians after you have run them down?" 1 Willis: They say Smith's wife commands his respect. Gillis: No: he respects her commands. '' So Corinne is a very careful girl ? " "Yes; she only goes out once a week." "Why?" "Her boy friend g<sts paid weekly." —. % " Hey, waiter? " " Yes, sir." . "Look here. There's a piece of leather in this sausage. I'm not going to eat the' harness, too! " ' • ; Dentist: " Now, I'm not-going to hurt you, so just—" New Patient: " Cut out the professional chatter, old man. I'm* dentist myself." Willis: "When was the first frost last year?" Gillis: " May 12." "Are you sure?" "Positive. That was the date of my wife's reception." Insurance Agent: " Why not take out a policy for £SOOO in favour of your wife?" Victim: "I haven't a wife." *" Yon would get one pretty soon." t ' " What did your wife say when you got. home last night ?" " Have you two hours to spare?" "Goodness, no!'" " Then I shan't have time to tell you." The Wife (nervously): " Oh, Jack, wake up! I can just feel there's a mouse in the room." Her Hubby: " Well, just feel there's a cat, too, and go to sleep." Rich ' Uncle (a Christmas - visitor): "And remember, dear, when I die all that I have goes to you." Niece: "Thank you, uncle. Do let nje give you another/ mince-pie!" _ r _ " / Mrs. Ferguson: " George, d«sar, how do you like my new hat? " Mr. .FergUfbp: " Do you want my real opinion of it, Laura? " Mrs. Ferguson: " No, I don'C, you mean thing." Agent: "By the way, there are some old Roman remains at the south end. of the estate." New Owner: "Are there? Well, you 'ave 'em cleared away-before I take possession." - Irate Guest: " Look here, the rain is simply pouring through the • ropf ]of ray bedroom." Proprietor : " Zat -accordance with our prospectus—' running water in every room.' " y " Don't you think that Woods worth was right when he said ' Heaven lies about us in our infancy? ' " " Sure, but he forgot to add that everybody lies about us in our maturity." Old Gentleman (who has collided violently with a young man): "I beg your pardon, sir/* Young Man : " Entirely my fault, sir." " Then why the blazes don't you look where you're going ? " - '. - n _ ' Teacher: "What are the products ,of the West Indies ? " Frank; " I don't know." Teacher: " Yes, you do. Where do you get your sugar? " Frank: "We generally borrow it from next .door." . —— ;, c' . Professor Brown (at the telephone): "What's that ? You don't understand my name ? Spell it ? Certainly! B for Brontosaurus, R. for Rhizophoracae, 0 for Opisthotelae, W for Willugbaeya, and. N. for Nucifraga."* ' . ,

"What is the difference between an apple and a nice-looking girl? " " Don't know. What?" "An apple.has to be squeezed to b6 cider, wl*iie with a' nicelooking girl you have to be beside her to squeeze her." ■ • Old Gentleman: " Would you like sq'me sweets or a banana? " Small Boy: " I'd like a banana, please." Old Gentleman: "Why do you prefer a banana? " Small Boy: "'Cos me and sister likes to-see people do stunts on the skin," _ j ■' Niece: " You look rather hippeci, llnclft John. What's up?" Uncle: "Oh,. .1 feel fed up—l should like to get away—somewhere where. I should be completely cut off from everyone." Niecej M, what's wrong with a telephone box? " Mrs. Jabber: "I'm collecting -for.the suffering poor." A Friend: " yos—but are you quite sure tbey are suffering ? " Mrs." J.: " Oh, thete's.. po doubt about it. Why, I visit them -.in their homes and talk to them for hours! ■" Father, mother, and, little Tommy were in a tramcar. Mother' and Tommy. Siad secured seats, but poor father had to stand. Mother: "Tommy, doesn't it pain you to see your father reaching for a strap ? " Tommy: " Only home, mum." • i . ■ An argument had been all .on Mrs. Brown's side throughout the evening; and Brown was distinctly fed-up. ''You seem to think a cold in the head means nothing to a woman," stormed his- wife. "I don't know of anything morer annoying;!" "No ?' he countered, with a rare flash of spirit, "How about lockjaw ?" A professor who had been discoursing long-windedly on the recurrence of similar phenomena in history said; "Now, would you infer from what I have just, said that there is some real justification for Afte statement that history repeats itself. Student (diffidently): "I don t know about history, sir, but—historians certainly do." Little Marv had heard that the minister was leaving their church for another pastorate. Her mother had the minister to dinner one Sunday shortly after and Mary thought she ought to say something polite to him; so waiting for a pause conversation she remarked, Mr. Johnson, I hear that we are going to have the pleasure of losing you." Mrs. Nouveau-Riche: " Tell him how you got that moose head, John. _ —Mr. Nouveau-Riche: '' Well, sir, I'd been huntin' around the country for a good head, an' just as I had give up all hope, I came to a clearing in the w<A>ds, and as I looked into the vacant cottage, - presto! there it was right over the fireplace! There was an uproarious welcome soothe club for Smith when he returned after his honevmoon, for Smith had. married the daughter of a wealthy biscuit-maker. "So . you've taken the biscuit, this, time. Smithy," they chorused, as they around him. "That's acknowledged the beaming bridegroom, a&d the-tin along'with jt, tool" ~* - • .■»-