SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIV, Issue 19608, 9 April 1927, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

THOSE BAGPIPES AGAIN. An American staying at a Scottish shooting lodge was awakened early in the morning by an ear-piercing noise undssr the bedroom window. " Luvva Mike," he said to the man who brought in the morning tea, "what that?" " That's Donald playing the bagpipes, sir," came the reply. "Gee," muttered the American, " I thought it was somepile torturing a haggis!" THE MISSING WATCH. The teacher usually kept his watch in his waistcoat pocket. One morning, however, he found it was missing. He looked round the class and told one of the boys to go to his house and fetch it, As the boy was going, the teacher put his hands in another pocket where he found his watch. Taking it out he looked at it and said: " Now, Jones, it's just four minutes past nine; mind you are back by nine-thirty. " TWO OR THREE "NAGS." " William," said Mrs. Peckem, sternly, " did you ever stop to think that someone might steal me when you are away from me?" "Well," answered Mr. Peckem, thoughtfully. " I was rather when a horse thief" was prowling in the neighbourhood." Mrs. Peckem stiffened up haughtily. " A horse thief, did you say, William? " Yes, my dear. I heard he carried off two or three nags from this district." WAY OP COLLECTING DEBTS. A doctor was called upon to attend the butler of an aristocratic but impecunious patient. When he arrived he found the man in bed, and a very superficial examination revealed the fact that there was nothing whatever the matter with him. " It's like this, sir." said the butler, in a hoarse whisper, " 'er ladyship owes me £6 in wages, and I'm goin' to stop 'ere until I get it." " And a darned good idea," said the doctor. " I'll come in with you. Move over. She owes me £50." ALL THE DIFFERENCE. An aeroplane happened to fly over a certain mental hospital in Ireland, much to the consternation of the inmates. " Do vou know," said one of them a day or two later, " I dreamt I made one those contrivances and flew to America in five minutes." " Strange," said the other. " I myself dreamt the same thing, only I got there In five seconds." ** Look here, my friend," exclaimed the first dreamer, " you're not a lunatic, you're a blithering idiot, that's what you are!" LURE OF THE AUCTION. The lure of the auction sale was responsible. Mrs. Brown had returned in triumph with a massive brass nameplate with an inscription on it. Mr. Brown pressed hard for an explanation. " Well, dear, it was such a bargain," she urged. " But what on earth can you use it for ? " Mrs. Brown stuck to her guns. " You can never say anything may not be useful some day," she said 'firmly. "Supposing our daughter marries a man named Ernest Jones, who is a dentist, how handy it will be to have the name-plate ready." "PLAIN AND SIMPLE." " Now my good woman," said the learned K.C. to the witness, " you must give in the fewest possible words of which you are capable an answer to the plain and simple question. " The question is whether, when you were crossing the street with the baby in your arms and the omnibus was coming down the right side and the cab cm the left, and the car was trying to pass the omnibus, vou saw plaintiff between the car and the cab, or whether and when you saw him at all and whether or not near the car, cab, or omnibus or other or any two and which of them respectively, or how it was." THE FOREMAN'S LUNCH. A foreman in a certain factory is in the habit of having an apprentice heat his lunch for him. The other day he called a new apprentice. " Go downstairs and 'eat up my lunch for me," he ordThe boy obeyed with alacrity. Ten minutes later the foreman came down. He was hungry. " Where'p my lunch?" he demanded. The boy gazed at him in amazement. " You told me to eat it up, and I ate it." ' " I didn't tell you to eat it up, roared the foreman. " I told you to 'eat it up," " Well, I didn't heat it up, maintained the youngster, stoutly; "I ate it cold." TERRIBLE MISFORTUNES. Two women were travelling in the same railway compartment, one by herself/and the other accompanied by a little girl and boy. The children were full of spirits and gambolled about the carriage, much to the lone woman's annoyance,, Finally she could stand it no longer. " Madam," she cried, " if you can't manage to keep your children quiet, I shall lodge a complaint." The mother of the children sighed heavily. " Your misfortunes don't compare with mine," she said. "My little girl has just swallowed our tickets, the boy has broken a carriage window next door, I have left my purse at home, and now we're in the wrong train." "A FAMILY SHOW." An American visited the Old Bailey during a trial in which were engaged three members of. an eminent family whom we will call Brown. Say," veil-' tured the visitor "who's the judge?" " Sir William Brown.# " An'- who's the guy there? " indicating counsel for the prosecution. " That's Mr. Charles Brown." " Any relation to the judge?" "Yes, his son." As counsellor the defence rose in his turn, the American inquired who it might be, and was informed that it wan Mr. James Brown, another of his lordship's sons. " Gee J " whispered the American. "So this is a family show! What's the Christian name of the guy in tire dock ? AN EXCELLENT JOKE. There is a very cheap shopping market known as The Xllev is a certain iown in the Midlands. One evening a man was going home after a convivial evening when he met a pal. "Hullo, lom. said the latter, "How are you? Looking merry. And I say, what fine gaiters you've got on ? New ? Where did you buv 'em ?" " Down-down-down The Alley," stuttered Tom. ' Ah!' cried his friend, " so they're alligators then. All the way home Tom puzzled over the joke and couldn't see it. It was when he was in bed that it dawned upo him. It tickled him so much that i spite of the fact that it snowmg h got out of bed, put on his overcoat an the gaiters, and went and another par of his who lived next doo . " T shav o' fellow, he said, X snay. Fve got—darn funny joke t*tell you. ; You <?aa now ff-caiters o mine . «• Yes I see " said his fr.end, non« too pleased at being got out of his wanri bed "Well—they're—they re crocodiles, cried Tom, " crocodiles. The other looked blank. "Ah! Joudont see the ioke," r6ared Tom. I didn t see the joke at first—but it'll dawn on youyou'M shee it in the raornin - i