ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19508, 11 December 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Aunt Edith, what is a confession ? *5 " Gossiping about, yourself, my dear.".

Netta: "I must say I don't think much of your fiance." Betty: "I don't want you to."

" Father, what do you call a man who has two wives ? " " A bigamist." " And if he has three? " "An idiot."

New Footman: "In my last place I took things fairly easy." "Butler: "Well, it's different here; they keep everything locked up." * .

He: " I think all our guests have gone awav satisfied. They looked it." She: " Have they? Then we'd better go and count the spoons.."

Herbert: " Did you over go to Snijj, the tailor ? " John: "Yes; got two suits from him. One dress suit; one law* suit. Very expensive man."

Tramp: "Give me your pocket-bcok, your watch, and any loose change at once!" Festive One: "But, my dear fellow,, I don't even know you! "

Hicks: " Smeddle always speaks well of everybody." Wicks: "More matter of habit. Ho worked at cutting out tombstone epitaphs for several years."

Hostess: "You can't imagine how bad my husband's eyesight is getting. Only to-day ho mistook mo for the nursemaid. Friend : " And she's such a pretty girl, too."

Mr. Henpeck: "I am thinking of taking a cottage about here." Farmer: " But don't you think the climate would disagree with your wife ? " "It wouldn't dare."

Burglar: ' I beg your pardon, sir, but I mistook your house for mine." Owner: " Yes, and I should say by the look of the place that you've done the same with my goods."

Ho: "I always kiss the stamps on your letters, because I know' your lips have touched them." She: "Oh, dear.! And to think that I dampen them on Fido's noso,"

Bus Conductor: "Hi! Bill ! She's running backwards!" • Driver: "I can't stop 'er! The brakes 'avo gone j " " What 'ad I better do, then ? Chan go tho destination boards?"

A j'ouiig girl went to India to spend a holiday with friends. The first letter her mother received from her ended " Excuse this awful scribble, but I'm in a frightful hurry to catch a male."

Ok). Qentleman: "My little man, you mustn't say, ' I ain't gain'.' You must say, ' I am uot going,' 'He is not goin', 'Wo are riot going.' 1 Tliey ara not going.'" Tommy: "Ain't, nobody goin''! " v

" All the mechanical toys you .make seem to be successful." ".Yes," said the inventor. " I havo had only one failure." " Oh, what was what ? " " A toy tramp. It was too realistic. •It wouldn't work."

"I see yon have a notice in your shop. 'Wo Aim to Please,' " remarked the irritated customer. " Yes," replied the proprietor: "that is our motto.'' "Well," said the tustomdr, "you ought to take a little time off for target practice." ' \ ■

A Scotsman who had signed the pledgo met one of his old cronies. They chatted for a time and then his friend said; "Well, Tarn, .are - ye for a glessi" " No," replied Tam. " I've signed the pledge, but if yo dirina mind I'll tafc tho saxpence."

Builder's Foreman: "Excuse me, bat are you the lady wot's singin' 1 " Misii Trill: "Yes, I was singing. Why?" " Might I ask you not to hold on that top note so long. My men have knocked off twice already, mistakm' it for the dinner whistle."

" Come, Ernest," eaid his mothef, " don't be so neliilsh. Let your littio brother piay with your marbles." "But," protested Ernest, "ho means to k«op theni always." "Oh, I think not." "X say ' Yes/ because he has swallowed two of them already."

One member of a fishing party was am Irishman who disagreed very badly with . tho sea. " It's all right, old man," Baid another member of the party; "you're not dead yet," " True," moaned the sufferer, " but it's only the hop* of dying keeps mo alive! " Mrs. Smith was explaining the routing of thio household to ths» new cook. "We lunch at one on Wednesdays," she said, " as on that day wa always go for a spin in the car at two." " Very good, mum," said cook, " but I'll need to leave th-a Washing up till wo gets back again."

" I hope there air? no barking dogs in any of- the adjoining flats." Oh, no,, ma'am" said the agent. "Nothirg like that at all." "Then I'll take tho place, said the woman, with a sigh of relief. " You see, ■l've got two dogs of my own that bark like mad, and I restlly couldn't stand any more."

" Just try to frighten mo, will yon I**1 ** said Jonea to Maysscn. " What for ? " " I have got trie hiccough, if you frighten me, it will make it go away at once." " Very well, then, hero goes shouting ut the top of his voice, " Lend me haif-a-crbwa, old fellow."' " Ah, thanks, it's gone."

A boring and unpopolar member of a club was boasting of his skill at all kinds of sport. " I have just taken np shooting," ho said, " and it coines easy to me. The first time. I went out, after about two minutes there lay a rabbit dead at rny feet." " What did it tiio of? " asked a man in the corner.

•\ man whoso crfidit was at a low ebb called on his tailor to try on a new suit he had ordered, and on doing so found that the cloth, fit—everything, m fact— , was perfect. He turned to the tailor and said, in a pleased tone: The Buit is fine—very creditable indeed . " Oli no," said the tailor. " Cash only.'

The teacher had been giving a very graphic account of the reindeer, it® haunts, habit 3, and uses. One boy, however, was not paying the slightest attention, so the teacher asked: "r»ow, what is tho use of the reindeer? " The startled urchin looked np and said: "It makes everything in the garden lovely, teacher.

Old Scrooge was entertaining a caller,, and after an hour's rather dry talk he. turned to his guest with a Mmte, " Would you like something to buck you np-a cooling draught, Henry ? : I don't mind if I do." " Good. said the old miser. " Help me opcti tms i window. There's » grand breeza blow * ; W" M