SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19508, 11 December 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

THE CANNY SCOT. A Scotsman visited Niagara Falls with an American friend. As they watched the great rush of svater, the latter said: " There's a story that if you throw a penny into the Falls, it will bring you luck." "Is that so?" inquired the Scot. He considered a moment and then asked hopefully: "Ha' ye a bit o' string?" THAT WAS ALL. The manager of a touring theatrical company received a letter from "a woman in London stating that her husband., one of the members of the company, had sent her no money for weeks. * The manager sent for the actor in question. " Look here, Smith," he said, "do yon ever send anything to your wife when you are on tour?" " Oh, yes," answered the other, brightly; " always my kindest regards." A GOOD BUSINESS GIRL, After examining the window for a long time, the little girl entered the toy Jihop. " Have you a nice toy," she asked, " to cost about eightpence ? I want it for a present for my little sister." " Well," said the benevolent {(hopkeeper, " here's a doll. It really costs a shilling, but I'll let yon have it for eightpence." " Oh, ho," replied the child. "If you're knocking fourpence off everything I'll have one of these fourpenny painting books." IT COULB NOT BE HELPED. The patient was describing his symptoms to the doctor. " I'm sure there's something very wrong with me," he said. " Whenever I lift my right hand to my 'forehead then raise it a few inches, and dro-> it down again to my side, I suffer excruciating agony." " Why go through such a silly movement ?" asked the doctor. " Well," answered the patient, " if you can tell me of any other way of taking off my hat I shall be glad to hear it. THEN THE ELY FLEW. An art critic was speaking of the virtues of this painting and the faults cf that one. " Now you see in this picture th# artist has not learned his trade—he lacks technique and understanding. He has resorted to a trick to catch the public eye and has attempted to paint a fly. I would not object to tlhat had he been able to draw better and make it look like a fly. This looks like a lump of clay." . At this point the fly took wing and flew away. A PAIR QUESTION. " I wonder," said Legget, " why old Tomlinson changed the name of his bungalow ?" "Changed it's name?" repeated his friend. " Surely not. He was rather proud of it, because he'd thought it out all by himself. It was called the 'Nutshell!/ wasn't it?" " That's right," said Legget; " alii the same, it's altereu. At this point a third man spoke. " Tomlinson," he said, " got tired'of that name because small boys used to ring the bell and ask if the ' kernel' was in." [ COMPLIMENTARY TO ACTOR. A well-knowi. actor who was touring the provinces had amusing experience in a Midland town His landlady and her husband had been very kind to him, and he asked them if they would care to see the show. Receiving a cautious afiirmative, he gave' them five shillings. Returning home after the performance, the actor asked the elderly pair how they had enjoyed their evening. " Oh, fine, sir," replied the landlady, " only hope you don't mind, but we had a fish supper and went to the pictures instead." MYSTERY RAILWAY STATIONS. Here is a little true story forwarded from Bermondsey i Trainmen on the underground railways always have been instructed to give the correct pronunciation of the station at which they stop. This particular train had stopped at Highgate, and the conductor was busily calling out Highgate, Highgate, when an old lady tapped him on the shoulder and said, " Is this 'lghget, mister?" The conductor courteously replied, " 1 have been calling out Highgate several times." "Yes," replied the did lady; " I 'eard yer, but I wants 'lghget." BRINGING IN THE OCEAN. Every speaker at the dinner had advertised the tow!' The speakers all said that had the town been on the coast it would have been the world's first city. A visiting speaker was called on next. " Gentlemen," ha said, " I am impressed by yout town as much as you are, and believe I can suggest a way in which you can get yorr wish." All leaned forward and he added, "This !is what yov snould do. Obtain a larce :pipe, run it from your town to the ocean, ' and if you can suck as hard as you can blow, the ocear wih soon be alongside. \ AN EARLY " SETTLER." The visitor to the little old-world village was.greatly interested in all that he saw. In particular he noticed that one inhabitant of the place was treated with great respect by the others. When this individual passed along the street he was saluted on every side and most men took their hats off to him. " I observe," remarked the visitor one evening to the local gossip, "that you all treat this gentleman with marked deference." "Yes; he's one of our early settlers," wan the reply. "Early settlers?" asked other. " Why, he's not more than forty years old." " That may be true," aniswered the old man. " But he pays all hils bills promptly on the first of every month." THE COW'S FAUX.T, An Irish labourer, new to the work, was ploughing, and as the furrows were very uneven the farmer told! him to look at something at the other end of the field as a guide. " That cow by the fite," he said, "is right opposite us. ow work straight for her." Right you are, sorr," said Pat. Coming back later, the farmer was annoyed to find that the plough had been travelling zig-zag all over the field. " What's the meaning of this?" he demanded. " What have you been doing?" "Share, sorr," was Pat's reply, " I did what you tola me. I worked straight for the cow, but the crarythur didn't kape still." WHY THEY LAUGHED. Jones wanted a new muzzle ;For h is balldog—a' verv ferocious-looking brate—so he went into a shop to purchase one. ( want a muzzle for my dog, please, he said. , " Will that do?" said the placing one on the counter. Will it fit him asked Jones. Den t know, ioined the shopkeeper. " Would you mind trying it, please . asked Jones'. The shopkeeper eyed he brute sullenly. " No," he 'fpl'f. 1 won't. He looks too fierce. Ah, well, I shall have to put it on myself, I supnose.' said Jones, _ " Arid will you want another one for the dog, sir?" asked the shopkeeper, quietly. Jones couldn't undenstaafi why . the other customers laughed.