ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19418, 28 August 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Everything comes to him who orders hash Son: " Dad, what does a ' better half' mean ? " Father: " Just what she says." Freda: "Jack was held up last night by two men.*" Fay: "Where?" "Ail the way homo," When an actor proposes to a girl, her father never kicks him out. —he goes before the footlights. Geraldine: " Mother, what is a dead letter, please? " Mother: " One that has been given to your father to post! " Mrs. Firmfaco: " John, I liopo I didn't see you smiling at that girl." Mr. Firmface : "1 hops you didn't, my dear!" Doctor: " Did your wife say anything before she died?" The Widower: "Yes. she talked uninterruptedly for fifty years." Passionate Percy: "I'll go through everything for you, dear." His DreamGirl: "How nv.ch have you got to go through? " " I want a really high-hred dog," said the fussy customer. " Yes, sir," said the dog fancier, obligingly. " What about a Skve terrier ? " "You mean thing! You said you wouldn't givo away that secret I told you." "I didn't. I exchanged it for another one." First Actor: "I hear you have a part in the new play. What is tho pay ? " Second Ditto: "Nothing; but thero is a banquet in tine second act." Suitor: " Sir, I would Ifko to marry your daughter." Haughty Parent: "I. absolutely forbid you to do so." " Why, what's^the matter with her? " Doctor: " Did you tell that young man of yours what I thought of him?" Daughter: " Yes, and he said you wore wrong in your diagnosis, as usual." " That fellow must live in a very small flat." "How can you possibly tell that?" " Don't you notice that his dog wags its tail up and down instead of sideways? " Sentimental Spinster: " Six times ! have advertised that a lonely maiden seeks light and warmth in hor lffe, and at last 1 have got a reply—from tho gas company! " Doctor: "Madam, your husband must have absolute rest." Patient's Wife: " Well, doctor, ho won't listen to me—" " A very gocd beginning, madam; a very good beginning." Loquacious Barber (after a good halfhour of it}: " And now what would you liko on your hair, sir?" Weary Customer: "My hat—just as soon as you can manage it 1 " Customer: " Two eggs poached medium soft, buttered toast not too hard, coffee not too much cream in it." Winter: " Yes, sir. Would you liko any special design on the dishes?" Mrs. Dyit: "Ah, Bessie, I wonder if my husband will lovo me when my hair is grey?" Mrs. Spyit: "I don t gco why not. loved you through three shades of hair already.' Dentist: " Yes, it will have to come out." Patient: " And what is tho charge for extraction ? " " It'll cost two-and-sixpence." " How much will it cost to loosen it just a little bit ? " A collector was boasting that ho had a letter signed by Napoleon Bonaparte, " What does it say ? " asked one of the crowd. " I never thought to read it.," was the somewhat sheepish answer. Steward: Can Ido anything for you, sir?" Steamer Passenger (faintly): " You might present my compliments to tho chief engineer and ask him if there is any hope oi tho boiler blowing up." ... A Scotsman had been playing a round of golf on a iamous English course. When he returned to the club-house ho was asked by the secretary what ho thought of it. Ho replied: "It's no' so bad; I lost four balls—but found seven." Old Damn: " A penny stamp, please; Haven't I seen you before?" Assistant: " Yes. 1 saved your lifo last month when you were drowning," Old Dame: " Oh, yes—give me a shilling's worth of penny stamps, please." The vicar's wife had a Black marble bust in her drawing room, and shy particularly impressed upon her maid to always dust it with care, as it was of great value. " Who is it, ma'am. 1 " asked tho maid. Napoleon," was tho reply, " Napoleon ? I never knew Napoleon was a nigger." A visitor s,t a hotel entered th® manager's office, and using very vioient language, complained that there was no soap in his bedroom. " Well, you've got a tongue, haven't you?" said tho manager. "Of course 1 have," replied tho visitor. " But I can't wash my face with my tongue." An artist had invited a friend to come and look at his latest picture. After the friend had inspected it, the artist sa'd to him, " I'll sell you that picture, my boy, for ten pounds." " No, dear old thing, you won't," camo tho reply, " but I'll give you ten bob for the address of the model." Tommy and his little sister wero walk' ing across a meadow, when they found themselves surrounded by a herd of cows. " Don't be afraid," said Tornmv, " cow? are quite harmless," " They may bo," she replied, " but when a cow looks at you like that, it isn't a cow, it's a bull." ** Why was Joseph thrown by his brethren into the pit?" asked the teacher. " Because ho had on a eoat of many colours," answered the small boy. *■' What would they have done with him if he had been dressed like them do you think ?" " Put him in the stalls, sir," remarked the samo lad. Said a rich man to Blinks, who had just asked him for his daughter's hand : "Would you love my daughter ji'st as much if "she had no money ?" "Why, certainly." replied Blinks. "Fnough!" exclaimed tho rich man. "I don't want any half-wits in this family!" And ho escorted the blushing youngster to the door. The train had just stopped at the ftttfe Welsh station, and a local resident hurried forward to greet his friend, who stepped out on to the platform. " Whateffer has made tho train so lato V ho aakccU "It was at the last station," replied tha friend. " A passenger did not ctftch th& name, so the porter had to eali it. out again."