ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19382, 17 July 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

X: " Are you related to her by marriigeZ: "No, I'm her brother by ■efusal." Teacher: "Why isn't the distance on he ocean measured by the mile?" rohnny: " Because it's knot." Turner: " Do you think that I am actng the fool?" Mrs. Turner: "Now, Tohn, you know you never could act." " And do you ever lose yourself in your work?" " Yes." " What is your A'ork ?". " Exploring Central Africa." Looking at the average girl attired for ■vaiking, one could scarcely call it her ong suit. Radio enthusiast: " I got forty-seven different stations last night." Friend: " Did you hear anything good ?" " Gosh, t dunno." portrait of your wife?'' Husband (who is not impressed): "I think it serves her light!" " H°\*' are you getting on at your job, Bill ?" " Fine. I've got five men under me now." "Really?" "Yes; I work upstairs!" Miss Brown: " Did you name the baby after his father?" Mrs. Jones: "No; we named him Will, as a hint to his rich Uncle George." "I don't see why you sav my spring suit is too loud. It's no worse than my winter rig was." "I know, but you wore a muffler with that." " What did the foreman say to you for being late on Friday ?" "He gave mo the D.C.M." "What's that?" "Don't Come Monday!" Clara: " But you admit that, my voice is inspiring, dear!" Cecilia: "Of course, darling! If 1 were a man ifc would inspire mo to murder someone." Little Billy: "Father, what is politeness?" Father: " Pol'teness, my son, is the art of not letting other people know what you really think of them. \ Miss Lee: "If your name is Morganby, vou must be related to our host V Mr. Morganby: "Yes, 1 am his cousin, five hundred thousand dollars removed." Old Moral Gent.: "And is this bottle of whisky your sole comfort in your bereavement ?" Widower: "Oh, no, I have half-a-dozen bottles in the cupboard. First Flapper: " He is not rich and yet he makes a great deal more money than he spends." Second Ditto: "How can that bo?" "He works in the Mint." Police say that the cheaper types of automobiles are most frequently stolen. A businesslike thief recognises the advantage of quick returns and small profits. Maud: "I admit that I flirt a little,but not dangerously." Ethel: "You may get into deep water some day." Maud: "Not unless there is a raft of money in sight." The pastor who was fond of figures of speech was making a funeral oration. He began his address, "Friends, we have here only the shell of the man, the nut is gone." Employer (to new boy): "You're the slowest youngster we've ever had. ' Aren't you quick at anything?" Boy: "Yes, sir; nobody can get tired as quickly as I can.". "Who invests your money for you?" asked the bond salesman. "The grocer, the garage man, the doctor, and the various department stores," growled the married man. " Why does the Major take two drinks ©very morning?" "He takes one to make himself feel like a different man." " Why a second one 1" " That's for the other man."Mrs.' House: " And how is your husband this morning ?" Mrs. Holmes: "Oil, very poorly. He's got such an expensive disease.. The doctor says he must be kept in good spirits." Mrs. Greene: "Mary, how do you tell an old chicken from a young one ?" Mary: "By the teeth, ma'am." Mrs. Greene: "How silly! Chickens have not teeth." Mary: "No, but I have." I "Why didn't you study your French lesson last night ?" demanded Harry's teacher. "To tell you tfce truth, sir," said Harry, "my throat was so sore I could hardly speak English." Indignant Customer: "That meat you sold me yesterday wasn't fit for & human being to eat. If it hadn't been for my husband's dinner, I'd have brought it back and made you change it!" Father: " How on earth did you manage ' to tear your coat like that ? Was il done at school to-day?" Bob: " Ye-es. I I think it happened when I was—er—tearing myself away from my—er—studies." I i \ The young wife noticed a bair on the sleeve of her husband's coat, and, picking ; it off, said: "George, what does this ; mean?" "Don't worry about that, dear," he replied, glibly; "it's iar too long to be a woman's.". "What a rotten service!" exclaimed the man as he prepared to leave the bns. " Why V asked the conductor. " Someone gave up his seat for you, didn't he V " Yes," said the man, " but my wife had to stand all the way."The ship was doomed. Everybody was on deck waiting for the order to take to the boats. Suddenly, above the 6torm and the voice of the captain, rose the cry of an anxioos man: "Is there anybody here that vants to buy a gold vatch and chain?" Mother: "Did yon call Edith up this morning?" Daughter: "Yes, but she wasn't down." "But why didn't you call her down?" "Because she wasn't up." "Then call her up now, and call her down for not being down when you called her up." "Now," said the professor of medicine, " tell me to what class of maladies insomnia belongs." " Why er, re P.'® the medical student, " it is a disease." "I never heard it s° d fl> scribed. Where *Zr mv nS*h- " From experience. W {?f De Y";T W JL. hour's dog can't sleep, I m just as ful as he is." , •*■&£• & - da r f Hsh is dirty! the table in a perfect and dish is dir* take you all T- young !»<!"«« h j" i" sl pertater at their cookery school. m