SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19382, 17 July 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

SOMETHING WRONG. t .The scene was laid in the rolling prairie of the West. Dejectedly tinkering with un old motor-car was an old man. He was tall and slim—the true cowboy type. Suddenly, another car mado its appearance. "Howdy?" called the driver. "Any thing wrong?" "Yep," answered the other. "I'd been drivin 5 along the road for ten mile or so when it struck me suthing was wrong. I had a look, and me right fore wheel and me left hind 'ad been and dropped off some'eres, slick and clean." WOULD LIKE TO BE THERE. Dobson approached his employer and intimated gently that he would like to take Wednesday off. The employer turned a fierce glare upon him, and growled sternly: "Look here, you know perfectly well that we're frightfully busy, and I can't spare a man. Why on earth do vou want next Wednesday off ?" "Well, you see, sir," explained the young man, hesitatingly, "I'm going t" be married on Wednesday, and I—l should like to bo there." PROOF POSITIVE. A stranger entered a rather out-of-the-way post office and, producing a moneyorder, asked for payment. _ As the order was for quite a large amount and the payee was unknown to the clerk behind the counter, the latter asked for some proof of the other's identity. " How do I know that you arc Mr. Thomsett ?" he asked. "Haven't you any letters or documents you could show mo?" " I have something better than either," he replied triumphantly, and fished out a postcard. " There, that is my photo!" MORE THAN A MEAL. Aunt Pauline is a dear and kindly old soul, but she doesn't understand a thing about golf. The other day her nephew returned from the local course, after a particularly feeble exhibition. "Did you have a good game?" she inquired. "No," was the reply; "the seventh tee was beastly sloppy and the greens enough to give one a pain." Aunt Pauline shuddered. ." What a weird combination!" she gasped. "I can understand how enjoyable a cup of tea and a sandwich must be after a game, but seven cups, and greens with them—" THEY ATE AND ATE. There had been a great gathering of the clergy, and their hostesses were en-' gaged in sending the visitors off. Afterwards, while they were walking heme, Mrs. Retlaw turned to her friend, Mrs. Lawret. "Who did you have?" sho asked. " A very nice man. Who did you have ?" " A couple of locust preachers," confessed the other. "Locust? You mean local, surely? Locusts are those things that come in swarms and eat up everything." "That's right," said Mrs. Retlaw, grimly. "I had a couple of them!" A YOUNG CHILD'S LOGIC. A correspondent sends the following story to a London paper:— A little boy, seeing a glass eyo in a shop window, asked what it was, and, being told, inquired if people could see with false eyes. He was told that they couldn't. A day or two later ho wished to know whether people could eat with false teeth, and was told that they could. "Then, if people can eat with false teeth," he said, "why can't they see with false eyes ?"—one of those devastatingly simple questions, says the writer, for which it would take the worried parent a long time to find an answer suited to the young inquirer. THE MAID'S ARGUMENT, Entering her boudoir one evening, Mrs. Smythe-Jones was amazed to see the curtains abaze, as the result of contact with a gas-jet. Sho called to the maid to bring water, but, unfortunately, the latter did not arrive until the man of the house had rushed in, torn down the curtains, and stamped out the flame. "Why didn't you hurry?" they demanded in unison of the maid. " Hurry?" she repeated. "Wasn't I hurryin' as fast as I could? I had hot water in the pail to throw out and then cold to get. You didn't want me to come and throw hot water on the fire and make it worse, did you?" THE WAY OF THE WEST. A newly-landed settler was making away across the prairie in search of the old sheriff, when he encountered a cowboy mending a saddle. " Excuse me," he" said, " but does Red Htix liyc near here ?" " Nope," answered the other, " he don't." " Well, perhaps you can tell me where I cart find a certain Mr. William Bluff?" asked the stranger. " Yep,'' answered the other; "that's easy. I'm Grizzly , iv- " But," expostulated the .tenderfoot, "they told me that Rix lived within gunshot of you!" " Sure," returned the other, 'he did. ECONOMY FIRST. Big Bob Baxter was an engine-cleaner. He had made friends with a young fireman, for he wanted to be a fireman himself, one day, and ever and anon the friend would give him tips as to a fireman's duty. "Now, Bob," he used to say, " don't waste a drop of oil, ever. Also, never throw away the waste either —that's expensive." ( So when Bob went up to pass his test and he was asked; " Supposing you were on the engine running on single track, when suddenly an express comes dashing round the bend, what would you do?" he answered glibly enough: "I'd grab the oilcan, collect all the cotton waste, and then I'd jump." MIXING THINGS. Nobody seemed to take much notice of Green at the office dinner-party, and he was beginning to feel somewhat bored when he was called upon to make a speech. Green stood up and his glance roamed round the walls of the dining hall, noting with keen relish, the works of art that adorned them. Then he began his speech by making a compliment to the ladies of the staff. Pointing to the wonderful paintings with outstretched arm, in belllike tones he remarked; "Gentlemen, , what need is there of all these painted I beauties, when we have so many with us at the table?" WHAT HE NEEDED. Stiggins was a queer old character and had done many queer things. The banker in his town had tried hard to make Stiggins save a little of his money and open an account at the bank, because, as the banker had said, one day Stiggins might find the money very useful. Stiggins saw the wisdom of the idea 'and made a deposit, promising to maintain a savings account. But there the matter rested. The banker met him one day and took him to task. " Now,, look here, Stiggins," the banker said. you promised to put a pound in my a" "TlV^daimed 1 tC-iSr- j with you bankers is that you don t send a man round to threaten me.