ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19221, 9 January 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"I wander if I shall lose my looks when I am-as old as you?" "You'll be lucky if you do, dear!" An Aberdonian and a Jew decided to run a "pirate" omnibus. On the first morning they both turned up dressed as conductors. "What's the matter with your hand, my little man?" "Sawed the top of my finger off." "Dear, dear, how did you do that?" "Sawing." " Why don't yon go to our church ?" asked one little boy of another. " Because we belong to a different abomination," was the answer. "Do you think, young man, that you could give my daughter ail she asks tor:'' "I think so, sir, ' the lover replied. "She says she only wants me." One Neighbour: "Your dog howled all night." Another ditto: "That's a sign of death. Whose, 1 wonder ?" "Your dog's, if he howls again to-night." A kind old gentleman, "doing" Wembley, was stopped by a little girl carrying a parcel. ' "If you please, sir," she said, "is this tho second turning to the left?" A notice on the main road near a town in the United States:— Drive slow, and sec our beautiful citv, Drive fast, and see our beautiful gaol! The milkman's boy was on his first round, and a customer having said tho iliilk was still warm, he explained, naively: "They must have used tho hot tap." An Englishman took an American to see "Hamlet." "You are sure behind tho times," commented the Americah. "Why, I saw 'Hamlet' in Now York four years > ago." A thief was caught breaking into a song. He had already got through two bars, when a policeman came up an aria and hit with his stavo. Several notes were found upon him. "It appears to be your record, Mary," said the magistrate, "that vou have already been convicted thirty-live times for stealing." "That's right, your honor," answered Marv. "No woman is perfect." The two' girls wore strolling in a garden at twilight. "I wonder," said the first, "I wonder if Jack really loves me?" "Of course he does, dear," said the second. "Why should ho make you an exception ?" The teacher had been giving a class of youngsters some idea of proverbs, and after the lesson she put a few questions. "Birds of a feather —do_ what ?" "Lay eggs," pijJed a small boy* before anybody else had a chance to speak. A customer at a tobacconist's, on asking for a packet of a popular brand of cigarettes, was mystified when tho smart assistant inquired: "With spats, sir?'* " With spats?" echoed the customer. "I mean cork tipped, sir," was tho reply. > ■ ■ ■■ *• Ui '• 7 '■ '* ' ■ Irate Householder: " You'vp got plenty of nerve. Tho idea of stealing my chickens and then trying to sell them to me!" Gipsy: "'Well, sir, I thought you'd pay a better price for chickens you bred yourself. You'd know what you'ro buyin'." Tho Wife: " You have positively no excuse for staying out until this absurd hour." Her Espoused: " Oh, haven't J, my dear! I've get a simply gorgeous ; excuse. Why, I've been standing outside for the last hour and a-half thinking it out!" She listened as he talked. "I am rich," he said. "If you marry me, my money, my motor-cart, my i yacht, my houses, everything will be yours. "Fine!" she exclaimed, delightedly. Then her brow clouded. "But what will you do ?" sho asked. A Scotsman died and found himself at the Pearly Gates. He was interviewed by Peter, who asked him where he came from. On being told that he bailed from Scotland, he was informed that he would have to go away as they could not afford to make porridge for one. A portly but very polite man sat next to Wilkins in a railway carriage. "Pardon me," he said, "but what would you say if I sat on your hat?" "Suppose you sit on it and then ask mo," suggested Wilkins, sarcastically. "I have i done," said the portly man, imperturbably. An M. P. who was a staunch advocate of sex equality sat next to a very clever woman at a dinner-party, and in reply to a remark of hers said: "My dear lady, I I go further than believing in woman suffrage. I maintain that man and woman are equal in every way." "Oh," said the woman, sweetly, "now you're boasting!" ' " Steve, dear," whispered tho burglar's bride, as lie started on his evening s work, " try to be a little quieter when you come in to-night." " Certainly,' replied the fond husband. Did 1 wake you up las' night?" " No, but you woko mother. I don't want her running to tnn prison and complaining to father that I j married a burglar." | The travelling variety show was a most unfortunate one, and its reception by audiences had been distinctly hostile. I can't understand it," complained tho business manager. "No stone has been left unturned to make this show a suci cess " " Perhaps so," replied the stage manager, bitterly, " but up to the progent the result is that no bloomin turn has been left unstoued." A new tailor had come to town and put up his sign, which consisted of his name and a picture of a large red apple. Curiosity was aroused, and finally a man walked into the shop to inquire the meaning of the sign. " Well," said the tailor, in reply to the inquiry, " I'd like to know where the clothing business would be today if it hadn't been for an apple." On a sultry summer day, when thunder and hail showers had prevailed early in the morning, a wedding party came to the church from a distant parish. W hen tho register was being signed tho vicar I asked the bridegroom: "Have you had 'any hail this morning?" The man : blushed and hesitated, but at length replied: "Well, sir, we did just have a glass apiece afore we started." Johnny was in the habit of swearing mildly when anything did not please him. One day the minister heard him and igaid: "Johnny, don't you know you must not swear. It is naughty o you to do so. Why, every time I vou swear a cold chill runs down mj hack. " That's nothing," said J ° bnnJ t ' he r day you'd been at my the , 5^ m 'wriS d g -ri-'d tov. -