SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXIII, Issue 19221, 9 January 1926, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

JUST THE THING! A farm worker had come up to London for a few days. Before he started he had promised to buy his daughter a present, so he went into a jeweller's shop and said to the assistant; " I want a pair of earrings, cheap, but purty. They j be fur a present." " Yes, sir," said the jeweller. " You want something a trifle loud, 1 suppose?" " Well, I don't mind if one of them is a 1 bit loud," replied the farm worker. "My , girl is deaf in one ear." THE DIFFERENCE. Two negroes met in gaol. "What am yoh here foil, Tom?" asked one. "Stealin* apples." "How long yoh got tah stay in gaol?" "Six months. What yoh done?" "1 done kill mall wife." "Oil! Loidy! How long yoh got tah stay ill gaol?" "Three weeks." "What's dat ? I done got six months for stoaiin' apples, an' yoh done kill yoh wife an' only got three weeks!" "Yes, but dev gwine tah niw out and hang me alter three weeks." ONE KELIAELE RULE. While fishing, a man fell into the water, and unfortunateiy was unable to swim; . but he managed to attract attention and a fellow fisherman jumped in and rescued him. laid him on his back, and began to think. "What's tho matter?" asked a bystander. "Why don't you revive him?" "Well," answered the rescuer, "there happen to bo 16 rules for reviving the apparently drowned, and I can't remember which conies first." At this point in the conversation the rescued man slowly opened an eye and j whispered faintly: "Is there anything about giving brandy in the rules?" "Yes." "Then never mind about the other 15," came tho almost inaudible retort. I A BIG HIT. A man who had suffered much at tho hands of a band of youthful cricketers who persisted in sending their ball ovar his garden wall succeeded in catching one of them after a short sprint down the road. "Now, my lad," he said, "I've watched you play. Y'ou use the lamp-post for a wicket, but I notice that tne batsmen never run. What is your system of scoriug ?" "It's one across the road," said the boy, in a trembling voice; "two to lamp-post, and six over your wall." "But what happens if you break a window, as you did a minute or two ago ?" "Then we all run, sir," said tho cricketer. A DISHEARTENING RESPONSE. Jerry had worshipped Joan for months but somehow he had few opportunities of telling her, and »ven when one did occur his courage failed him and ho remained silent. But it happened that he had to make a business trip to the north extending over a week, and he decided that the last night he'would spend in town would be a fitting occasion to spring the momentous question. He kept this to himself, however, until exactly half-past eleven by the clock. "Joan," lie said tremulously, "I am going away to-morrow." "Are you?" sne answered, with the thoughtlessness of girlhood. "Yes," he replied. "Are you sorry?" "Yes; very sorry,", she murmured, glancing at the clock. "I thought you might go away to-day." BEYOND RECOVERY. The peace and calm of the police station were suddenly disturbed by the entrance a very excited woman. Hurriedly she approached the inspector, who sat writing at his desk. "I have lost my husband!" she cried. "He was with me all day yesterday, but I've not seen him exclaimed the inspector. "Can you give me a few particulars as to his appearance ? » Un, yes!" came the answer. "He is dark and has a sallow complexion. He also has a Roman nose." The inspector looked very grave on hearing this last statement and shook his head. "In that case, madame, y<?u will never find him again." Then, noting the expression of astonishment on the woman s face, he added: "A Roman nose, you know, never turns up!" NOT WHAT SHE MEANT. It was the day of tho county golf championship, and for once the day had dawned brightly. A huge crowd assembled and prepared to watch last year s champion drive off from the first tee. iho betting stood high in his favour. •'•ho champion came out from the pavilion, selected a club, and addressed the ball. But ho was a nervous man, and now his nerve began to fail him. His devoted wife stood among the crowd watching her husband anxiously. He swung -his club aloft and drove off. •• Dead silence reigned—ho had missed. Another swing followed, and he missed again. A third time lie tried, but once again he missed. The crowd broke into a roar of mocking laughter. His wife's womanly indignation rose at once at their derision. v "It's no Jawgj 1 * ing matter!" she cried angrily. "Nobody hates his misses more than my husband. OUR FUNNY LANGUAGE. The nervous foreigner got up in the crowded tramcar and made his way to the conductor's platform. ' Excuse m c > he said, " but ze car lie run so slow, and whv, if you please, is it so?" The conductor was bewildered .tor a moment, but with commendable intelligence he realised that he was being questioned as to tho tardy motion the car. " Yes," he answered briefly. But we can't help it. You see, the cjw ahead is behind." Tho foreigner's eyes opened wider., " Would you please to say him again ? he asked, apologetically. " Certainly . said the conductor. " I said that the car ahead is behind. Do you follow 7 Then the foreigner returned to his seat, holding his head in both hands. "Ze car ahead, he ees behind," he muttered, hopelessly. "Truly the way they do things in this Angleterre, it is wonderful! 3 SAFETY FIRST. He came to a halt beneath the sign bearing the legend "Boy Wanted." Then, without more ado, walked straight into an oilica marked "Strictly Private." The manager of the stores, who was holding an impromptu board meeting, glanced up hurriedly at his entrance. "You want a boy?" asked the newcomer. The manager treated him to an iBV glare. "Get outside!" ho cried. *\ 1 want you I'll call you back —if I don't, just keep on walking." The newcomer obeyed, but, to make sure of being called back, he quietly appropriated a box of silk stockings and a case of tea. He hadn't gone far when he was brought back by the shop detective. Ho explained his motive to the manager. Then he took off his jacket, rolled up his sleeves, and said: "Well, what department do I go to, .sir?" ''The basement," said tho other, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "That's the only department thai doesn't handle any cash." ,