ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18897, 20 December 1924, Page 23 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"The more I read, the less I know." "You must be well read." " Does a fisherman ever tell the truth ?" "Yes, when he calls another fisherman a liar." Customer: " I want a bottle of carbolic acid." Clerk: " What do you intend to mistake it for ?" "Have you ever seen the prisoner at the bar?" asked the Judge. " That's where I met him," replied the witness. He: " Would you like to go golfing? " She: "Oh, dear no. I should never know which end to hold the caddie." Wife: "This paper tells of a man who lives on onions alone." Hubby: " Well, anyone who lives on onions ought to live alone." " Yes, I hear he's a broken man sinco he married her." " I'm not surprised. 1 thought he was cracked when he got engaged." In these days of dashing automobiles this form of conversation is appropriate: " How are you to-day " Oh, all right — far.'' Mr. Henpeck: "Women are perfect " Mrs. Henpeck (sternly): "Perfect what?" Mr. Henpeck (meekly) : "Just perfect, my dear." Inquirer: "Does a fish diet strengthen the brain?" Philosopher: "Perhaps not, but going fishing seems to invigorate the imagination!" * Small Boy: " How much are the eggs ?" Shopkeeper: "Threepence each; cracked ones a penny." Small Boy: "Right! Crack me a dozen." » He (trying to start car) : " This self- . starter refuses to work. There is a short circuit somewhere." She: Well, why don't you lengthen it? " "I love the oak," the maiden said; " It is so strong and true. Which do you like?" The boy replied In gentle accents — Yew.". Lawyer : "Do you want a trial by jury or by judge?" Plumber: "I've dono plumbing for most of the people in the town. I'd better take the judge." Diner: "Look here, I have found this blouse button in my soup." Waitress (beaming): "Thank you very much, sir, I have been looking everywhere for it." •* Oscar: " Have you another one of those cigars you gave me yesterday?" Henry: Yes, do you want one Thanks ! I'm trying to break my little brother off smoking." " I can't get any speed out of the motor* car you sold me. You told me you had been summoned six times while driving it." "So I was, old chapfor obstructing the highway." Phyllis: " Your husband is simply wild about you, isn't he?" Doris: "Yes; he raves about me in his.sleep, but the poor absent-minded fellow nearly always calls me by the wrong name." "Are your London fogs so very bad?" inquired the tourist. " Pretty thick," said the Englishman. " How do the vehicles get about?" "Oh, the first one through leaves a tunnel." Voter: "Congratulations! You certainly made yourself clear on the Prohibition question." Politician (startled) : "Did I?" " You certainly did, sir!" " Heavens! What a blunder!" Two men walked into Westminister Abbey, and one of them listened, enraptured, to- the strains of - the organ. " That's Handel," he murmured. "He plays very well," returned the other. Friend (near aviation field): "I don't see how you can live near so much noise. Why, it must be impossible to hear your wife talk." Jones: "That, old man, is the one feature about the place which appeals to me." " Let's go home and listen to the symphony concert on the radio." "No thanks; I don't care much for music." " You don't understand—l said let's go home and listen to the symphony concert on the radio." Teacher: "Willie, can yon tell me how matches are made?" Willie: "No, ma'am; but I don't blame you for wanting to find out." " Why, what do you mean " Mother says you have been trying to make one for years." Sybil (reading) "It says here that James means beloved and William means good. I wonder what Henry means?" Her Mother: " Well, my dear, I sincerely hope he means business! He called to see you three times last week." Beryl: "I do think Jim is horrid. I asked him which he would take if he had to choose between me and a million, and he said the million." Molly: "Don't worry, dear. Jim was right. He knew if he had the million you'd De easy." Ater a long talk on the value of peace, goodwill, and disarmament, a teacher asked his class if they objected to war. " Please, sir, I do," said one boy. "Good! Now tell us why." "Because wars make history—and I hate history!" " How be Mary doing now she's married ?" "She's doing fine. 'She's got the purtiest little cottage with a garden, and some good furniture, four pigs an' some fowls. Only thing is she can't abide her man. But there, there's alius summat." He had been boasting of bis success, and concluded his speech with the remark that lie had entered that town with only half a crown in his pocket. " Yes," came a loud voice from the back of the hall, " but there were other people's pockets." The employer called his secretary. " Here, Jenks, look at this letter. I can't make out whether it's from my tailor or my solicitor. They're both named Smith." And this is what Jenks read: —" I '>r»ve begun your suit. Ready to be tried on Thursday.—Smith." It was an anxious-looking man who entered a garage. "I want to make arrangements for hiring a taxi," he said to the proprietor. "Do you want It by the hour or by the day-" ho asked. " I want it for the year," replied the man. "I'm looking for a house!" An Inspector was examing a class in geography. Addressing a small boy in the back row, he asked: "Now, sonny, would it bo possible for your father to walk round the earth?" "No, sir," replied the boy promptly. Why not: " Because ho fell down yesterday and hurt his leg." The Sunday-school teacher was talking to her class about Solomon and his wisdom. " When the Queen of Shcba came and laid jowels and fine raiment before Solomon, what did he say?" One small crjrl who evidently was wise in such matters', replied promptly: " 'Ow much d'yer want for tho lot?" A countrywoman on a visit to a city went into "a picture palace. I fc .,Y a during an interval, and there was nothing showing on the screen but a lug circle ~ of light. After waiting five ™ she ; saidf " Well, if they ain't going to shew nothing but that old picture of the full,; moon, I'm going. () I didn't come here to study astronomy." . ? ,'i v