SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18897, 20 December 1924, Page 23 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

WHERE THEY FAIL. Mrs. Forsides was engaging a new maid. She was particular about any servant she took into her house and, in spite of the shortage, she always insisted on highly satisfactory references. " Have you any references ?" she inquired of one applicant who seemed more or less suitable. " Yes, ma'am," answered tho applicant brightly, " a lot of 'em." " Then why didn't you bring them with you ?" asked the prospective mistress. " They're just like my photographs, ma'amnone of 'em do mo justice.'" I I A VERY GOOD REASON. Baroness Wentworth, who is a breeder of Arabian thoroughbreds, tells this one of the Londoner, who, having arrived at the railway station nearest a certain racecourse, hired a fly to drive him the rest of the way, a matter of five miles. As the vehicle made rather slow progress, the traveller asked the driver if he thought they would arrive at the course in time for the two o'clock race. " 1 hope so, sir," replied the jarvey. " I want to give him (indicating the horse) a bit of a rest. He's running in the twothirty." A TOTAL ECLIPSE. The young and fame-aspiring dramatist walked nervously into the manager's office. " Might I ask if my three-act play has been read yet, sir? " he asked. " And if it has been read may I inquire whether you have accepted it for production ? " " Three different people have read it," answered the manager, puffing at his cigar, " and each thinks it will do with one act cut." " I'm glad to hear that it is no worse, sir," replied tho other, breathing a sigh of relief. " But," continued the manager, holding up his hand, " each wants to cut out a different act." THE YOUNG MAN'S BID. "Now, gentlemen!" shouted the auctioneer, as he held up a suspiciously yellow " gold" watch, " what offers for this— this beautiful chronometer ? Guaranteed sound ander —warranted to keep good time—er—and —" Even he couldn't think of things to say about tho watch ho was trying to sell. " Please may 1 bid ?" called a modest voung man from the back of the room. *' Certainly!" replied the auctioneer, delightedly. All eyes turned quickly to the spot where stood the auctioneer's innocent victim. " Well, then," said the young man, calmly, I'll bid —good-night!" NOT GUILTY. The old negro was in the dock, charged with having stolen a watch. Counsel and witnesses for both sides did their best and worst, but when the jury came to consider their verdict they decided that the evidence was not sufficient to convict ihe old man, and that they must return a ve-dict of "Not Guilty." This they did, and the Judge, turning to the prisoner, said: "You're acquitted." The old black man looked rather doubtful at this, and asked: "Acquitted? What yo' mean, Judge?" "I mean," answered the Judge, "you are acquitted." The negro looked more confused than ever. "Judge," he asked, "does dat mean dat I have to gib dat watch back?" STREET CRICKET. A man who had suffered much at the hands of a band of youthful cricketers who persisted in sending their ball over his garden wall succeeded in catching one of them after a short sprint down the road. " Now, my lad," he said. " I've often watched you play. You use the lamp post for a wicket, but I notice that tho batsmen never run. What is your system of scoring ?" " It's one across the road," said the boy, in a trembling voice; "two to the next lamp post, and six over your wall." " But what happens if you break a window, as you did a minute or two ago ?" " Then we all run, sir," said the cricketer. AN URGENT CALL. " Now, what can that be ? " said Mrs. Newlywed to herself as, while she w upstairs making the beds, there was a ring at the front door bell. " I expect i it's someone selling something again." She stopped work and went downstairs to open the front door. Outside stood a boy. He was from the local plumber. " My boss says he can't come, after all," the boy said " But as it was an urgent call he sent me." " But I never sent for anyone," said the lady of the house, rather puzzled. " Are you sure yon have got the address right ? " " Oh, yes," answered the lad cheerfully, " the address is all right. But never mind! I expect it must have been the people as was here before you moved in." TWO SOUVENIRS. Jenkins was doing a walk-tour in Ireland. He had called at a wayside Irish cabin to obtain a glass of milk one morning, and while he was drinking it he chatted to the owner. Looking round him, he noticed on the top of a chest a glass shade under which was a rose and a brick. " Why do you cherish two such dissimilar objects ? " he inquired cf his host. " Shure, sorr," was the reply, " there's memories attached to that. Feel this big dent in my head. Well, it was the brick that made it." "Yes, I understand," said Jenkins; " but what about the rose? " " Ah,-the rose, begorra," 'answered the Irishman. " The rose is off the grave of the spalpeen who threw the brick." GETTING A MOVE ON. When Robinson arrived at the railway station he found that he had exactly twenty minutes to spare before his train departed. Ho had left home in rather a hurry that morning, and so had omitted to shave. Having bought his ticket, he dashed across tho street and, entering a barber's shop, demanded a hasty shave. The barber applied the brush in a very slow and deliberate manner, so at last Robinson found himself confronted with a choice between two terrible alternatives —to miss the train or to catch it with his face covered with lather. "Do please hurry!" he urged the barber. But the i man paid no heed. He continued lathering. At last Robinson could stand it no longer. He seized the tormentor's hand. " For pity's sake," ho cried, " hold that brush still, and I'll waggle my head." THE NEW SALESMAN. At one of tho large stores certain young men belonging to well-known families are being given tho opportunity to provo that thoy can become efficient retail business men. One of these has become a very persuasive salesman, but there was one customer with whom ho failed. He was a wealthy, rather overbearing man. lie wanted a winter coat for his chauffeur. Nothing would please him. He left making cutting remarks about the establishment and what it had to offer. Tho same night the customer was at a fashionable dinner party. After dinner he found himself talking politics, polo, and places abroad with a man who obviously was on friendly terms with everyone at tho party. " I seem to have met you before," he said at last to the young man. " Your face is familiar. Where did I meet you ?" " Well, it was this afternoon," was the reply. " I tried to sell you a chauffeur's overcoat, and you were darned rude to mo."