ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18891, 13 December 1924, Page 3 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"What? Afraid of a cow? Yet you eat them!'' "Yes—but this one isn't cooked!"

The Curate: "You should see the new altar in our church." The Girl: "Lead me to it!"

Grace (showing her friend her photograph): "Awful, isn't it?" Bessie.: "Its a splendid likeness, though."

Lady Visitor (to prisoner): "I should think you'd go insane behind those bars!" Prisoner: '.'Too late fer that now, lady."

Wife: "Don't you think this is a duck of a hat, dear?" Husband: "Yes. but I'd prefer a duck with a smaller bill."

Meeker: "Do yon think that I can make her happy?" Mason: "Well, she will always have something to laugh at !"

OKI Lady:. " Is it dangerous to go up in an aeroplane?" Aviator: " Not at all, ma'am. The danger is all in coming down."

Tourist: "But what do you do here when you're lonely?" Mountaineer: "Oh, I shoot at ol' Bill Scroggins down in the valley."

" Why, my dear man, already my poetry is being road by twice as many people as before." " Oh—l didn't know you were married."

Black: " My wife never asks me where I go." White: "Von don't say so!" " Yes: she's alwavs with me to see for herself!"

Smith: "Jones, I'm going to get married and settle down!" Jones : "Humph ! I think you'd better remain single and settle up!"

"I've just had my watch mended an* it'sli slit ill wrong.'" "Why, wha'sh matter with it?" "It's pointin' to-noon, an' it'sli midnight."

"Are you Mrs. Hansen ?" "Yes. What can 1 do for you? Take a chair!" " Right, mum. I'm going to take the lot. I'm the broker's man!"

" Faith. Mrs. O'Hara, bow d'ye till them twins apart?" "Aw, 'tis aisy. I sticks me linger in Dennis' mouth, an' if he bites I know it's Moikc."

"A yard of pork, please," said the witty man to the butcher. The butcher turned to his hoy. "Give this gentleman three pigs' feet," he remarked.

Stage Manager: "Go on, man! Can't you hear them crying 'Author—author !' " Timid Playwright: " J-just so! B-bufc what are their—ah—intentions ?"

Pert Young Thing: "Don't you think there should be metre clubs for women?" Grumpy Old Thing: "Ob, no! I shou'J bo inclined to try kindness first."

"After the wreck, when your husband was drowning, did all his past sins come up before him?" "Good heavens, no! He wasn't in the water all that time!"

A.: "The Joneses are moving," B.: " Why, they've only been here a year. People were just beginning to know them." " Yes, that's why they're going."

"Yes. grandma, when I graduate-I intend following a literary career—write for money, you know." "Why, you haven't don* anything else since you've been at college. '

Rink: "What are you reading?" Dink: "A tale of buried treasure." Rink: "Wasting your time on fiction again?" Dink: "No. It's a book on how to grow potatoes."

She: "Here's a scientist who says that human life on this planet began about 600.000 years ago." He: "In that case, my clear, it is probably too late to do anything about it."

Mabel: "There was a ring of sincerity in his voice when he told me. he loved me." Maud: "Oh, but you must remem- 1 ber, dear, that a ring in the hand is worth two in the voice."

"So the jury brought in a verdict of 'murder while insane' ?" "They couldn't do otherwise. The murderer confessed to the crime and insisted that he was in his right mind when he did it."

Wife (with newspaper) : "Just think of it ! A couple got married a few days ago after a courtship which lasted fifty years." Husband: "1 suppose the poor man was too feeble to hold out any longer."

"Reginald." said the Sunday-school teacher, during a lesson on the baptismal covenant, "can you tell me the two things necessary to baptism?" "Yes. ma'am.'' said Reginald. "Water and a baby."

"Dinah." said the mistress. "I hear you are married." " Yassum. I'se got a good man now." "Docs he provide for you all right ?" "Yas. he a good provider, but l'se skeered he going to be cotched at it."

Rov: "You can say all you want to about absent-minded professors, but this Dr. Jones is the worst 1 ever saw." Ron: " What did he do?" " After asking to see my tongue, he reached tut and felt its pulse."

Going out to dinner a doctor wa.s partnered by a gushing young lady. "Is it true, doctor," she asked,' "that you are a lady-killer?" "Madam." replied the doctor, "I make no distinction between tile sexes."

A curator of a certain Zoological gardens was on a holiday. He received a note from his assistant: " The chimpanzee is sick. Ho appears to pine for a companion. We don't know what to do pending your return!"

A highbrow traveller at a railway station approached •an express, which was ready to start. "Is this train ready for occupancy?" he asked. Trainman: "No, sir. This train goes to Concord, Whitefield and Portland."

A certain country rector used to wait until the squire arrived before he began his service. One morning, however, lie quite forgot him. and began: "When the wicked man " "Stop, sir!" said the clerk. "He ain't come yet."

\ Jew was so ill that a (rained nurse had to be sent for. When she came on dutv her first remark was: Now JI h take vour temperature!" You cant, protested the Jew. defiantly: e\er.v thing's in my wife's name.

\ curate who had attended a race m«e£ friend if he had spotted "hi vfnner? "Oh, quite easily, replied the curate. "The jockej wot a 3 bright colours and was so far ahead that I spotted him at once.

Master- "Now, John, tell me how you xvo «ldgo'to Newfoundland *• Pupi : I should first go to Liverpool. les th en"" "Then I should get on board lie ship: and then-then I should ask the captain, who. of course, Knows the way better than I do."

The daughter of a country rec tor-taught-the choir boys a new tune at a Monday evening's practice, to be sung on the Joi lowing Sunday. " Well, Hobjon, she Sid I one of" them-on Uto Bj*J«B ing, " I hope you haven ft f°!^"^ o „ •' new tune, for we depend much on >0« L_ " Nnw, miss, not a bit! I've bin a-skten g the crows with it all the weeki