SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXI, Issue 18891, 13 December 1924, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

ONLY AN " OBJECT."

A clergyman advised a parishioner, a .somewhat morose woman, to take up some subject of study that would lend variety to her daily routine. " Oh, 1 could never master any subject." she replied. "What! not even your husband?" exclaimed the clergyman, with an effort of humour. "My husband!" came the retort. " He's not a subject: he's an object." A RESERVED PASSENGER. The stolid man climbed out of the train and shut the door without speaking. " He's the limit," said the sociable traveller. " I've been talking to that old chap ever since we left London and he's never once opened his mouth. 1 might as well have talked to an oyster." " Well, what could you expect ?" asked a man at the other end of the carriage. •' Didn't you notice that he was in a reserved seat?" TIT FOR TAT. Cockney motorists, riding near a farm orchard, stopped tlif car, got out, climbed the wall, and gathered half a peck of apples. To complete the "joke" they slowed down as they went by the farmhouse, and called out to the owner: "We helped ourselves to your apples. Thought we'd tell you." "Oh, that's all right," the farmer called back. "I helped myself to your tools while you were in the orchard." HE SAVED HIMSELF. An old sea captain, well known for his powers of exaggeration, was describing a voyage at supper one night. " While cruising in the Pacific." said he "we passed an island which was positively red with lobsters." . " Hut." objected one of the guests. with an incredulous smile, "lobsters are not red until boiled." "Of course not." replied llic undaunted captain, " but this was a volcanic island with boiling springs!" CANNY. A Scotsman went to an English race meeting and staked five shillings. The horse he backed proved a winner, and he went to the bookmaker to claim his money. The sporting-man handed him five half-crowns, and the Scotsman looked at each one very carefully before placing them in his purse. " Well." said the bookmaker. " are you al'raid they're bad ?" " Oh, no." said the Scotsman: but I was just lookin' to mak' sure the bad yin 1 gied ye wisna among them !" WAGER WITH A BOASTER. A cyclist who stopped at a village inn boasted about his abilities as a rider. So much did he hold forth that the landlord ventured to make a wager with him. '' Look here, mister," said the innkeeper, s"I lay you can't ride up and down this /street till the. church clock strikes six." I The. cyclist looked at the clock. It was 5.15. " Done." he said, and started. After a long while he shouted to some villagers who stood watching him in amazement, "Has the church clock struck vet ':" " No," came back the answer, " It never does."

IDENTIFIED. The cause of all the bother was a penalty kick —a kick that, like an election egg. was somewhat doubtful. Becoming more and more heated, the rival captains were in fiery dispute, heedless of the presence and undoubted authority of the referee. " You're a fool!" shrieked one captain ; ;t last. "'And you're a bigger one!" shouted the other. For a moment there was silence. Then the referee interrupted: "Now that the captains have identified one another, we will proceed with the game!" NOT ON THE MENU. Prospects of a good meal were not bright, but the eating-house was the only thing of its kind in the neighbourhood, so Brown had no choice but to enter and try his luck. He seated himself at a table covered by a stained cloth, and a depressed-looking waiter sauntered up to him. " Have you any cold pie?" asked Brown. " Er—no. sir !" ' Any chicken ?" " Er—no, sir!" " Well, I suppose I can have some beef, can't I?" " Er—no, sir!" " What on earth have you got in the house, then':" " Er— bailiffs, sir!" WHY BE THANKFUL? 1 Mother was very careful indeed about the upbringing of'her little son, Tommy. j particularly careful about tfie matter of grace, and she always made a point of keeping him up to the scratch in this 1 respect. It made no difference to her ■ ruin even when they had luncheon or tea ; at a restaurant, as happened a short time i ago. After the waitress had served the tea. i mother said to Tommy: "Now say grace, please. Tommy." Tommy looked up in surprise. "But. mamma." objected the small boy. "we're paying for this, aren't we ':" STILL BEING MADE. A certain furniture shop was famous for its genuine old antiques. A stranger entered one morning, and was met by a small boy who emerged from an inner room. the visitor asked if the proprietor wa.s about, and was answered in the negal ive. " Perhaps you can tell me what I want to know." lie said to the boy. " I called two weeks ago regarding half a dozen genuine old Sheraton chairs. You had only two of them in at the time, but weie expecting the other four at any moment. Have they arrived?" No, : ir." replied the boy. "They haven't finished making 'em yet." ON THE SAFE SIDE. Word had been received by the inspector of the electric light system that an overhead wire had fallen in a crowded street. The inspector betook himself to the spot. When he arrived he found a crowd of people handling the wire in a most careless manner. Luckily, no accidents had occurred, i Going up to the nearest man, who hap--1 pened to lie an Irishman, he admonished him severely. " You took a grave risk," said the inspector. " You had no right to touch that wire. Do you know you might have been killed outright by the shock ':" The Irishman looked at the inspector with a knowing air. " Ah," said he, " I was mighty careful, sorr! Sure, I felt it carefully before 1 took hold of it!" RELIEVING HIS FEELINGS. Shortly after two o'clock one morning a doctor drove four miles in answer to a telephone call. tin his arrival the man who had summoned him said: " Doctor. I'm not in great (lain, but somehow I have a' feeling that the end is nigh." T'ue doctor felt his pulse and listened to his heart. " Have you made your will .' he asked at last. The man turned pale. " Oh, doctor, it can't be that ?" he gasped. "You had better telephone to a clergymat, and wire for your people," continued the doctor. , . „ " Oh, doctor, how long do you gno i me?" c'oaued the man. " Well, there is nothing wrong with vou, but I hate to think that I'm the only man you've made a fool of," explamed the medical maa.