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New Zealand Herald, Volume LX, Issue 18457, 21 July 1923, Page 3 (Supplement)

Wife:*" Oh, George! Mother has just been telling me than she has made up her mind to be cremated." Husband (absentmindedly) : "Very well, dear. Tell her to put on her• things!" . .

Overheard at a Labour meeting the other day:— " I want to see an • equal chance for those children born with _ a silver sppon, and those born with a pick and shovel in their mouths."

This is how a well-known business man summed up an applicant for a. job : — You ask" mo what ' I think of you, and whether you'll do? Why, if every grain of sense you had was a mountain, ; your mind would he one long plain.."

Wife: "Fwnny ' about these strawberries I bought. They look red, but they are hard and sour." Hub.:" My .dear, the: redness of early wherries does not indicate ripeness; they are merely blushing at ' the price that :is charged for them." \ ' i: : , ~: : ' ' '

*.' Sedentary work," said the lecturer, "tends to lessen the endurance." "In other words," butted-, in the smart stufont, " the more one sits the less one can stand." Exactly," retorted .the lectnrer, " and if one lies a great deal one's standing is lost completely.

"That youngest boy of yours does not seem to do you credit, Uncle Mose,'' remarked the minister to one of parishioners. "No, sah; no ? sab.,'? re. plied the old man, sorrowfully. ; He is the wurstess- ohile I ever' had. , Ho Mi mighty bad. Fact, i he's do white 'raheepof: de fam'ly-sah." ' ■ ''i ■ : >^\\ : ■■^■'■■- ;j:

Sonny: "I say, dad, what keeps usfrom falling off the earth when we are upside down?" Father: 'Why the law of gravity, of course." Br.t how did people stay on before that law was passed ?"

Minister (to deacon): Then you don't think 1 practise what I preach, eh..-. Deacon ••' sir, I don't. You ten pwachin' on the subject of resignation for two years, an' you 'haven't resigned yet."

A military medical officer not very well up in his knowledge of London or the numbering of its 'buses received a shock gS^ ; As a 'bus drew up at Hyde Park corner he asiceo. w«j wuCww-w...... went to the city. To his astomshment the conductor replied: -Take a number nine!" ■ '■■'/■■■'■.:'■":■; . >

Dnsald McTavish, the all-round athlete and sportsman in the village, entered his name for all events in the local Highland games. The first event, on the programme was the half-mile, and of eight runners ■fWald finished sight. Dugald ■ DuS" 'said a fellow Scot, " why do you Sot 'run faster?" " Kan faster," ho said scornfully, " an' me # reservm' mysel' for the bagpipe competition..'-- ; i :•■,

Mr. Graham flushed and glared and began to shout " How dare you ?" But Mrs. Graham giggled and made a little squeak and suddenly rolled back helpless with laughter, her pretty .-teeth flashing and her face all dimpled with Mr. Graham looked at her for a moment, then his face twitched and he sat down and roared with laughter too. " Very well," he said meekly, when he could speak, "then I won't go out." . And presently, while Mrs. Graham sat up and wiped her eyes, he added ruefully, "It's a little hard to become accustomed to the nfiw order of things. -; Perhaps, ■ as! I'm so young, :^l d' : better goto bed. It will give me a chance to think things out." >' .y r; -■ * : : ''• ' "That's a splendid; idea!" Kenneth said, approvinglly. "An early "bed is uo good for you, father. 'Early to bed sad earf.yto rise, makes a man healthy/wealthy, land wise.', You have -oft en' toll us that, haven't you ? " . ' : ': ; ..';■■"',::" : .> V. ..'''

!'-" Yes ? " replied Mr. Graham, "but I never noticed that you took it. very '' : mV.ch to heart, Kenneth." :' , j ; -"',

"I think' I shall go to'bed too," said Mrs. Graham. I"I*. am quite.: tired with laughing,; and all > the queer excitement of the day." ' • "Do", dear," said Isabel gravely, "and darling, don't read in bed; it is bad for your. eyes. I'll give yOu quarter of an hour, and then I shall come in and turn out the light." ';•■'• : :: v ' r. v ', v Mrs. Graham giggled again, and the two said good-night meekly : and went off. '■'■", Kenneth and Isabel drew their chairs up cosily to the fire. :; "Isn't it lovely We \ can sit up as long as we' like," said Isabel. "Let's make the plans for tomorrow." . "■'- '•••> •• - l . , But at .that- moment there came a,loud ring at the front door. Kenneth opened

it and a :rowd of their ■ schoolmates trooped in, Olive Banks, Mavis Clark, Alice Dare, -Mary Montague, Jim Smith, and a dozer, other boys and girls, all merry and noisy and ready for a romp. "We've sent our fathers and mothers to bed and -we've come to give you a surprise party," Mavis explained. "Do let's have a* jolly time." "';'•'"' ' They had i jolly time. ; They played games, acted charades, turned the place upside down in their search for suitable clothing, sans; and whistled andi;made, a great noise, each one being «a law ■ unto himself inihivt respect, and by ten o'clock wore all beginning to look heavy-eyed and either flushed or rather white. 1 Like Mrs. Graham, they were tired when they came, tired with tiie queer excitement .of the day, 'though.. they did not know it; and. now they were over-tired, ! and inclined to be snappy with'one another. ! \ :: "'Let's havo supper," said Alice Dare at last. Isabel and Kenneth' looked at each other. Was there enough cake in the house? "Ws each brought something," said Alice, Boeing the look. "It's a surprise party, you know, and we felt sure you wouldn't; have enough for such a crowd of us." Baskets were produced, and soon emptied. Kenneth found a bottle of lemon squash in the pantry, asd Is-'ibel made fizzy, drinks with cream-of-tartar and soda*