SHORT STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18173, 19 August 1922, Page 5 (Supplement)

SHORT STORIES.

THIS GERMAN "MASK." . Some time ago a Sheffield visitor to Germany was inspecting some knives in a certain cutlery works over there. i, " This is knife," he remarked, ; tcking np a "pScimen and inquiring the Srice. " Gould you,make mo a hundred ozens of this? " " Oh, yes»" v y" And could you. put my name and mark on them? "'Oh, yea," " You «5o that sort* of thing if re- ; quested? .£ 6 "Oh, yes, we don't trouble"about marks, only about orders." A CASK TRANSACTION. ■i ; v A certain actress, who was playing a very minor part in a musical comedy, ciime one day, in tears, to the manager. "My diamonds! " she sobbed. " They have been stolen, from my Dorothy bag/' The manager smiled ever so slightly. Oh'" h® said soothingly, " I shouldn't worry over a trifle*like thaC" - "All very well for you to talk," cried the actress. " But there vrns a tenshilling note in the bag; and tlicat is gone too." > The manager at once became gravo. " That's a different matter," he declared. " We'll have a detective in at once." KICKED BY A FEI2ND. A coloured girl, with a broken jaw, rushed to the hospital. She was evasive in her explanation of how the injury had occurred, and at first would only say that she had been hit with an object. " Was it a large object? " inquired the surgeon. " Tol'rahle large." "Was it coming fast! " " Tol'rable fast." " Was—" began the surgeon, when the negro belle's patience snapped. " Oh! " she burst out, " lf'n you mun* know, ah waz jes' natch'aly lucked in do face by a gen'leman friend." ' ALL DUE TO THE CLOCK. ~ " This is the fourth morning you've late, Rufus," said the man to hij> negro chauffeur. "Yes, sah," replied Rufus. "I did ovansleep myself, j sah." " Where's that clock I gave you? " " In my room, gah." " Don't you wind it up? " " Oh. yes, sah. I winds it up,' sah." " And do you set the alarm? " " Ev'ry night, sah, I set de alarm, sail." . ! But don't you hear the alarm in the morning. Rufus? " " No, stih. Dere's de sah. Yer see, da thing goe3 off while I'm asleep, sah." ■». A SPLENDID SCHEME. "Talking- about dinners," said the commercial traveller slowly, " I remember one I had when I was on the road. I went into the swaggerest restaurant in j the town with some fellow travellers. "We ordered the finest thing ip din- ' ners I have ever eaten. Then the bill cam<* round, and we couldn't decide who was to pay. Everybody offered, and <o did I. *' Awkward for you all," agreed one of the listeners sceptically. * Yes," continued the commercial traveller, " and a3 we couldn't settle the matter I proposed we should blindfold the waiter, and the one he caught muafc p&y." , " Good idea," said another listener, i " Who did he catch? " j " I don't know," replied the commercial traveller briefly. " But he hasn't caught me yet! " 1 . RESOUBCErCLHESP* - .; A humourist once described a lie as a| " \ctf < present help in , trouble." A | gshort time ago a small boy was playing with an iron hdop in the street, whsn suddenly it. bounced .through the railings v and broke tire kitchen window of one of tlw ar^as;; The lady of the house waited with anger fin her eyes for the appearance of. the hoop's owner. He arrived. ,{ -" Please, Tve broken your window," he sai<f, " and father's come to mend it." j ; Suro enough, the boy was followed by | a man, who at once set to , work, while the taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man said :— u That'll be three shillings, mum." "Three shillings! " gasped the woman. " But your son broke it._ The little fellow with the hoop. You're his father, \i aien't you? " ■ i "Never seen him before," he said. " E'e came round to my place and said his mother wanted ■ her' window mended. You're his mother, aren't you? " , And the good woman could only shake | her head ; for once words failed her.

THOSE VIRGINAL ROBES. The old verger had been gathered to his fathers, and a new one reigned in his stead. As the new one, staff in hand, on his first Sunday after his instalment, | nolmenly preceded the canon out of the | vestry, down the chancel steps to the i dooi of the three decker pulpit, his xdfe, j with eyes riveted on the head of the procttfcion, was heard to say, to append iii th« pew beside her, in a whisper ! loud enough to be heard all over the church. " Doesn't Thompson look lovely in his virgin's robes? " —• j ■ ANXIOUS TO RETURN. A Scotsman who landed in Canada, inquired of a coal black negro for direction. L, happened that the black had been born in the Highland district of Scotland and lived there most of his life. '• Hey, mannie," said the Scotsman, "can ye no tall me whaur I'll find the kirk2 " The darky pointed with his arm. "Go richt up to yon wee hoose and turn to yer richt and gang up the hill," said he. The visiting Soot looked at him in Hwsrror.. " And arre ye frae Scotland, rr.on? " he asked. *'R-richt ye arre," said the- darky, 11 Aberdeen's ma hame." ' And hoo lang have ye been here? " '- Aboot two year." ' Save us and preserve us," said the r.ew arrival. " Whaur ken 1 gst the boat back for BdinbuxQ? " j i