ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LIX, Issue 18173, 19 August 1922, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

I Villager: "Mr father died here at 87, •nrf my grandfather died at 140.?' Tour- - IS- "Ono hundred and forty?" Vii- ■ 'Jag*W : "Yes. High Street. 8 ' v X i|% fi Orator; "If I stood! up before art fllllP iadience of Irishmen and told them what il V 3 though about Ireland—what would I |$ IfeWit'ior my pains?" Voice: " Embro- | cotton." :f T rn \ vif.ar: "Don't you know, my boy, that P * wu shouldn't play cricket on Sunday?" p Boy: "That's all right, sir} we 11 ain't playin', we're only practisiu* for iermorrers game! " 1 | May: " Why have you broken off your 1 y ifijragement?" Fay: "Because Algernon I ' hat grown so fat. When grief has pulled i i him down a bit, I shall get engaged to 1 i ■ : | mi Miss Fairless: "Now, get aa pretty a. 3 i v.fctyro of me as you possibly can." fbotographor: "Never fear, ma'am, this is touched up, you won't | %■"' J«ow yourself." — U Kv » Tho tragedian was standing outside the i] door, a cigar-box under his arm. 1h n 'Jin acquaintance, a comedian, approached fj rf: and, ' indicating the box, inquired: | "Corona-Corona?" "No, re. I jfied the tragedian, "I'm moving! " I They were talking of a not very popui .V man. Said one: "I hear he is' having !£ ' . « reception, and has invited all his 1 o'fi friends." To which the other replied: "AH his friends—l suppose the reception j s being held in the telephone-box." I !' The small boy in the train gazed intently at the very fat man who gat appo--1 i ; f-te him. "Why are you staring at ' jne?" demanded the man, annoyed. * Please, sir," the boy, "there's no where else to look." 1I- > Commercial Traveller: "I can't see 1 I V", how you can make your business pay I li'Jt" when you render your accounts only once 1 SjKX in six months." Grocer: " Pey2 I can I pak' it pey a' rieht. There's rnony a 1 ii ' .Jutid o' butter in thae accounts tho devils I cerer got! " -,K ■ One of the new rich, who had been, attended by his local doctor for, several? $|§|; jnonths, thought he would like to see a J jpjcialist. So t 0 town he went. Doc- ■ " tor: " What is your occupation?" Client: "Gentleman." Doctor: "You Y had better try something else,- it does not ; »«m to suit you." r 'V§§PPostal rates in Britain recently have ; reduced, a three-half-penny stamp \"•%«* taking the place of the two penny ' the change an Aberdeen man was short of stamps, and - three twopenny ones from his neighbour. On Monday he returned ■ three halfpenny stamps. ' — • 1 The Doctor: If you are troubled with \ sleeplessness you ought to take soine--1 tiimg solid before going to bed. The» f- l Patient: Why, doctor, that's exactly what you once forbade me to do. The Doctor: Ah, that was two years ago. Science has made enormous strides since I||:\ then. _ I :9 Bertie's rich uncle was paying him a tisit and just as ihings were in full ewing, Herbert, junior, put a damper :? • i cn He came up to uncle and said: *'Wa! ye lend 113 ver hustle, Uncle?" ■fe> '"Whistle?" qerisd the uncle. "T'have no -whistle, Bertie." Wey, me feythor rafc ye bad," continued the terror, " an' piat-ye wor aiwis wettin' it." v A young married lady who moved into tSattrantry from the city, considered the ' loping of hens a pleasant and profitable I 'j. ;.•$£ wdtttaking. As she grew more ab- j I/tpried in the pursuit her enthusiasm in- 1 otssed, and when one day a friend ip- I <foittd if thev were all good layers, she ,: tolled: —" Wonderful! Truly * wonderfa}! They haven't laid a tingle bad egg yet." • O landlady noticed thai <, her new leer's firt consumed more c^al.. thaii" iaaL She mentioiied the fact.' " Oh, yes," explained the inpenions man; "You see, I always place the lump of waj on the fire in such a way t,hat 'tho grain is perpendicular—that is, rjtshninsf and down. It makes a much, better, tee—nothing like a little scienca, you fccow." The unimpressed landlady spoke jh'a hard voice that almost stopped the wager's watch: "I always charge sixpeace extra for scientific gents." , - quite a sensation iii a Lonttor drawing room when a woman of the Mtf. Malaprop type, was heard to appeal dramatically to her hostess on the sutijjwt of some person under discussion. My dear, how could -^ou" possibly exS«t anything else of him? . Can the J: hjw change his spots?" With some >JW(Sgnce -of mind, the hostess murmured supposed he coanldn't.

| ;A lady was entertaining some friends at | ;.-.'. aiSra&ll afternoon tea-party. Her irreI . - PrjßMible little daughter behaved faultily until the party was nearly over. ~ One"p^rti cu j ar guest had not ceased to M««::the child ? s curiosity. Finally, she | ': •;.- talked twice very slowly round the i I ; ff*«t's chair. "Well, doar, what in it?" j | Me asked curiously " Mummie said you | *ere two-faced," replied the child, " so I i *M just trying to find your other face." , JDorothy had been warned by her mother I;: not to play in the road, which was very fcttddy. Several timeß Dorothy disobeyed. I and--had to bo brought in and cleaned I "P- -At last, exasperated, her mother ex--1 ' claimed-. "Dorothy, I'll give you one | chance. If you plav in the road again I I •nail have to put you to bed." The | child went out again, but in a short time m i-i'i *PP«ared at the-door, wet and bedraggled. I ' t l ' motner >" blkj remarked, in a tone I ?' cheerful resignation, "I've used up my I • r -y tost chance!" Two old settlers sat smoking in a cabin ■ w away in th© backwoods. No feminine J ever graced that settlement:, and z?? 16 arrangements were primitive and ? - «7 e '» The ccrn versation drifted from polt»1 ; -- / -ff ß vH > - CO0^n !? and one of th© confirmed ■& * rot* 8 ' 1 ''! : " x gofc mle °' tiiem ihex * H ;,: ' «*lv7 books once » but I never could do »■>;; with it." "Too much fancy ||S "«h« M Ut - " aßked tllC other - Hp" l ' Wiftm H '*" Everv one °' ihe ™ recipes 'Kb da2_» ln j h ? *w & wav - ' Tako a c lean : |» "*" u — and tha't settled ma at once."