ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LVII, Issue 17651, 11 December 1920, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

Son : 'Who -was "Noah's wife, dad?" Father: "Joan of Arc, my boy. Now run away." " . He: "When is a joke not a joke?" She-. "Don't know. When''" He- ' Usually." ' & ' Wake up. George, you're talking in your sleep." " Wellam I never to speak •n the house at all!" M.-.ther : "' Tf you fell in the water, why h---> your clothes dry?" Tommy ; "I took 'em off in case of accident." '' 1 leach my parrot onlv short words *' •' h<. you.' Now. I should think that parrots were better adapted to learning polyt\ !l<ib!es. • , v ,'". : " XVh v don>t y° xi g' v up "ambling, ■ " .' \ou know a man who gambles is .-i i -.id man. He: "Yes! And a man v. lp. <!-vm: t is no better." "'hie hah' the world doesn't know how ! c , thrr half lives." declared a notorious ••""i-ne scandal -monger. "That isn't your • I,'-, quietly observed one of her auditors. Has your husband a good ear for '■';"-'■' ' ",m afraid not. He' seems to ' -ik everything h r hears played in church ,- .1 lullaby." icacher : "Willie, can you tell me whv • : ■• multiplication tabic stops at twelve?" 1,1 •',''" : "I giifvss it's, because thirteen at » '. iMe is unlucky." And yet h e seems to have accumulated 'i npy. Fortune appears to have knocked ;* ! !'■> 'lour. "I don't, believe she merely k"o,-ked ; she must hav e broken in." Up after the proposal): " Now I've to !-'.'"iK to your father, and I know he disbkes inf." She: "Don't worry, dear; he ha.-, .1 far greater aversion to my bills." She: "Oh. 1 do hope the play will be a success. ' He: "Success; why. of course ' will. Every fellow in the cast, has to make love to some other fellow's wife i'"s bound to be a success." Kittle Brother: "Why can't Mr. Cuffs '-1 "',) his own name, Sis?" Engaged Sister : 1 don't know." Little Brother: "Becaiise he comes to C U—and there he sticks'." Fust Gent, of Leisure: "There's a chap wntin* to this paper savin' that 'e can't live on £2000 a year."' Second Ditto: "Ah! 'e 'as my sympathy. I've never been able to do it myself."" "Father." inquired the eight-year-old, "what, is a slump?" Before father could answer his wife saved' him the trouble. A slump, my dear," said she. "is a smart, business man's excuse for cutting down the housekeeping money." "Josh." said Farmer Corntossel to his son, "I wish, if you don't mind, you'd eat by yourself instead of with the summer hoarders." " Isn't my society good enough for them?" ''Your society is fine. But your appetite sets a terrible example."

Teacher : "Now, boys! I have taught you all there is to know about, long measure, and T want any boy who is doubtful on any point to question me concerning it." Pupil : ''r-please, sir, how many policemen's feet does it take to make a Scotland Yard ?'' Close-fisted Parent : " I tell you. my son. it's a. great deal harder to spend money with good judgment than it is to make if." The Young Man (not so closefisted) : " Well father, let me take half th» burden off your hands. You make it, and I'll spend it." "' You. say here," remarked the horticultural gentleman, "in this article .of \ours, that you have cultivated hothouse lilac bushes that have attained the height of over fifty feet." "Yes," replied the expert, "I have, why?" "Well," musingly lenlied the horticultural gentleman, "only I wish I could 'lilac' that." ALWAYS THE SAME EHB. '"' Yes," said the prospective buyer, "I always judge a motor-car by its engine." "But don't you pay any attention to its finish?" asked the seller, who had been, ertolli.ng the upholstering and trimmings. " Never!, My motor-cars always have the same finisha brick wall or a ditch," PRACTICAL Jimmy giggled when the teacher read the story of the man who swam across the liber three times before breakfast. You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?" "No. sir," answered Jimmy, "but I wonder why he did not make it four and get back to the side where his clothes were." ' ; THE INTELLIGENT TURK. The man who had travelled was telling tales at the club. Said he: " I met an old Turk once at Pera. 'I have seven wives,' he told me calmly, blowing perfumed clouds from his hookah.'; " 'Merciful powers,' I exclaimed, 'how on earth do vou pay their dressmakers' bills?* - "The unspeakable Turk waved his hand. " ' I married dressmakers, son of an infidel!' he said."

HE HAD THEM SAFE. Bobby's mother ha'd forbidden him to fight, but he came home one day bruised sr*d battered, with the blood running down his face and two front, teeth missing. " Why, Bobbie," said the mother sternly, "you have been fighting again, and have lost two of your teeth. ' . , "Oh, no, I haven't, mother," replied the young man; "I've,got them both safe in my pocket." , ~ • ■'.-, JUST AS GOOD. Two Jews, father and son, went for a stroll one sweltering day. As they, passed a vendor of ice cream the boy turned to hi« father and said longingly, "I wish you"d buy me some ice creairf, fader; I do feel hot." His father gazed at him for a few seconds ■m mild surprise. Then he exclaimed: " No. no, Ikey, my boy, but I tell you vot I'll do; I'll tell you some ghost stories vet'll make your blood run cold!" AFTER THE PIEST QUAKKEL. fro,' she exclaimed, "and never speak to me ijrain." He passed out into the black night, but paused when he reached the .pavement and drew something from one of his breast pockets. As he did so, the beautiful girl "ho was watching from the front -room, ottered a shrill scream, and ran towards him. "Albert," she cried, "what would you dr.? Pray do not kill yourself. Throw your revolver away and let us forget our quarrel.'' "It isn't a revolver," he replied,, as he caught her in his arms. "It's a spanner I horn-wed from you that day my motor broke down. I have been wearing ib next to my heart ever since." Then they returned to the parlour, and took -up the thread of love's young dream "■here it had been broken. COULDN'T STUMP THE STUDENT. An elderly examiner was putting a young medical student through his paces. "Suppoiing." he began, "there was a • gunpowder explosion and a man was blown into the air. You. as the nearest doctor, being called in, what would you do?" "Wait for him to come down, again," was the prompt reply. "Vtp.il let us take another case. A man hns dug a pit 40ft. d«ep. At the top he flips and falls right "to _the bottom agr>in What would you advise?" "Fill up the pit and save funeral expenses," answered the student, glibly. ; ( , The examiner snorted angrily and then barked : "If I were to raise my .foot and give you a kick, what muscles would be called into play?" . :-...', . ~ . , ,/ .->:; . ( With p. steely light f in his eyes the.young :-.:v' wan retorted -.""The flexible and extensive ;s': muscles of my right asm,"- _ -"