ODDS and ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LV, Issue 13967, 28 September 1918, Page 6 (Supplement)

ODDS and ENDS.

'If How's everything in your house?'* :!'.asked Biggs. A Oh," replied Diggs, "shea J'.'kll rightl"- £_. .';■ i| MfTLfeeder: "I can't my MfT Leeder: " I can't do without my •i ir atutinal ■coffee." Mrs! ', Newrioh: "Is •': itiat a good brand? We've tried so many ! lliaf'are poor." , ! First Jiicraimeati: "What do yon think ; if this daylight-saving plan. Second Esqui'man: "We might try it, and go to bed i a couplo of months earlier this year." 1; " What an interesting man your grandfather must have been ! And did he attain & green old age?"' " Well, I should say he did! He was swindled four times after he was seventy ! " ; "Howdo yon like the pudding, Henry? It's & war recipe Mrs. Kenton gave me over the 'phone." "To be perfectly frank, my dear, it tastes as if the wires , shad got crossed." ' j An elderly farmer hitched his team to ''a telegraph post. "Here,' exclaimed the policeman, " you can't hitch there 1 . "Can't hitch?' shouted the irate farmer. "Well, why have you got a sign up, Tino for Hitching'?" ■'..-,., . ■••'";/-■'.{) "Cleopatra! Cleopatra!" cried little Jessie, who liked big names for her little -pets. " Why, 1 '.bought your cat's name was Napoleon." protested the visitor. "He •■was Napoleon till he had his kittens," affirmed Jessie, stoutly. An Australian soldier had overstayed h'p leave. He knew his commanding officer was fed up with hard-luck excuses, ») wired:—"Not sick, noDody dead, got plenty of money, having a good time. Please wire two days' extension." He got three. " Now," said the professor, "supposing that by some convulsion of nature portions of the earth now under water be'tame dry land, what would be the most irromiuent characteristic of the land's tpe?" And the summer girl who was .trying to suppress a yawn replied: "German submarines." . . I 1 Young Housewife : " Oh, Reggie, cook's j run away and—oh—" Husband: "Well, don't upset yourself. Anyone'd think she taken your diamond earrings or the Queen ' 'Anne tea-service." Young Housewife : "Worse than that! She's taken all the I dripping from our Sunday joint!" '}■ "Listen to this, Maria," said Mr. !stubb, as he unfolded his scientific paper. ''' This article states that in some of the old Roman prisons that have been un•(.earthed they found petrified remains of i the prisoners. "Gracious, John !" exI claimed Mrs. Stubb, with & smile, " them's ; what they call hardened criminals, I ex- ! /pest" ; Minister: "Do you promise to love, honI out, and obey." «Young Bride " Well, i yon know well enough I don't love him j 1 as well as that poor man I couldn't afford ! to marry, and that if I honoured a man 1 ..'I would think too much of .him 'to marry j ! him i but slip on the ring, for I certainly ' > trill obeyevery impulse of my own." | A man ; was rebuked in court for en- ] deavouring to confirm a palpably absurd I ;story told by his wife. "You should | 'bo more careful," the judge said. "I tell | you candidly I don't believe one word 'of [your wife's story." The man looked at | the judge and sighed mournfully. "That's j i all very well," he said. " You may do \ ;. as you like, but I've got to! ■" I % A GERMAN GUARANTEE. t! /;;. Old firubbenheiracr (tearfully) ;'"BtymI ' Jae, bromise me, mein poy, dot you vill | make mehi daughter happy ! " | '■£ Young Nicklebaum (briskly): " I | , cuaran|ees be*rfect sadisfaction, Meester I jjrubberheiraer, or I returns der girL" ! . -*" "■ ' ■ I' > Young SOBER TRUTH! :' " I cuaranfees bMect sadisfaction, Meester Jrrubberheimer, or I returns der girl" SOBER TRUTH! p i Two Irishmen had been arguing, and >! ' ffctn one of them found he was being ■] 'j worsted he began to get abusive. ■j .: /'You're drunk!" he jeered. ; ;: The other man grew red with anger. j ,]' "Drunk, is it ?" he snarled. "Ye're | $ ft great storyteller, . thin! You .wouldn't ] !'dare to say that to me if I were sober! " t•] '-; "■' THE BRUTE. ■.■■•■. i t'l •'" | '<■} '■ "I understand Mrs. Chatterlong has IS !i gone n'omeJto her mother." j :] . "Yes; a sad affair. She charges her , husband with excessive cruelty." :j ft " Yen surprise me! Old Chatterlong j j t doesn't look like a man who would beat \ ,|His wife." $ |ij " Oh,' he didn't do anything of that I soil He got hold! of a gasmask some--1 (,p where, and when Mrs. Chatterlong started M Tone of her monologues he put it on." If| .FORGOTTEN THE DRIVER. • I !| • Mrs. Manager was about to start on a I picnic with her family. •. y a *||,; "Let me see, here are the wraps, here's 1 ••the lunch-basket,'here's the field-glasses, I here's the bundle of #nbrellas. I think I h we've got everything, and yet—Children, I' .I we haven't forgotten anything, have we?" I Ji ■ " Shall I'get in now, my dear? " said I and here's the bundle of #nbrellas. I think we've got everything, and yetr-Children, we haven't forgotten anything, have we?" " Shall I get in now, my dear? " said ;'her husband; pulling on his diivingti . gloves. \i jji " Why, yes, of course!" beamed Mrs. (j! j' Manager. "Get in! I knew there was h something else!" " ' ! ' : ■> WHITE ON BLACK. \ •" Little .Muriel'a grandmother" was not at {] ijall like grandmothers are supposed to be j] '-.?—old.and white-haired, She was quito i i i young and comely. But one day Muriel p fwaa patching her dress* her hair, and sttd- :,; ;jJtn]yno i ticod..a white hair here and there : jj; -'amongst the 'black. She crossed to her ,' ;•' side and- began pulling them i I: .'cut. ' ! i 1:.." Gracious, child," cried! she, " what I ! ?re you Muriel's grandmother was not at .all like grandmothers are supposed to be .—old and white-haired, She was quito young and comely. But ono day Muriel ;wos watching her dress her hair, and suddenly noticed a white hair here and there amongst the black. She crossed to her grandma's, side and began pulling them out. ' h ;. "Gracious, child," cried she, "what are vou doing? " j: '■• • ■ " Oh,"- replied Muriel, "I'm only pickj;i I 1 lng the. tackingistitckas out of your hair, [j j:;granny.'I| I. .', A FEMININE PLOT. || ;. .A «tory is told of an ambitious young ■ | wife who decided to take up gardening. in When-.her husband was starting for busttj I ness one morning she handed him a H |. lengthy list of seeds which she wanted him i; J' to bring home. He glanced down the list. :jj ! , ''" But don't you want any flowers to 151 Woom this eummer?" he asked. ♦ !" Yes, don't you want any flowers to bloom this summer?" he asked. ♦ " Yes, of course!." his wife answered. ' j i- "Well, those you have r put 'down here j •' will not bloom till next summer." " Oh, ; that's all" right !"* she,' exclaimed. ij "1 mad6.4ip>.t!ie list from a last year's if catalogue!" y : TOO LATE. Ii : " Hello! Is this Senator Blank? ijj "Yes. What do you want?" j | "I want to be appointed postmaster of [:) f&reeiieville." j ; f ; " Who are you? " I .j' "I am the son of the present incumbent 1 1j,, Father is very ill, and the doctor says '■' . that he cannot last another day. As no ' one else outside the family is aware of f j the seriousness of his illness, I thought I H' j would call you up to make sure that I jji j was the first—" • . ii * " I'm sorry, but someone has anticipated ;j.i you."-. i J "What! Who was ft?" j,!| "The doctor!" [J $ :■■ BIFF! |j ! Sir Snobkins Snubloy, who had mads 3 his money since the war, called at a cerpj I tain business office. •. jlf "I want to see the manager," he an- || Bounced to the dainty, but businesslike, ji]' young girl at the typewriter. ':': "What is your business?" she asked || politely, 1 i "None of yours! "he snapped. "I got j a proposition to lay before this firm, and Jlj I want to talk to somebody about it." ill " And would you rathur talk to a genii JJeman?" II "Yes." ■ m •' " Well, ", answered the lady, smiling 111 |".?*tly, "so,would I. ! But it seems that 11 impossible for either of us' to have our " Yes." "Well," answered the lady, smiling gweetly, "so would I. But it seems that jt'e impossible for either of us to have our jt(T : Jrish, so we'll' have to make the best of \m %..'. Stat* your business, please! , « ' ___