SHORT WAR STORIES.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LV, Issue 16823, 13 April 1918, Page 3 (Supplement)

SHORT WAR STORIES.

THE STABLES. Two young men from the country went some time ago to see the' Channel Fleet whilst it was off Liverpool. They went on board a battleship, and while there they were told the length and breadth of the ship, the tonnage, and 60 on, and finally they were told the indicated power of the engines was 2000 horse-power. One of the young fellows, whose knowledge was rather limited, said to the sailor who was showing them round Gracious, owd mon, Aw'll gie thee another sixpence to show us round the stables I HE'D HAD TO. He was a mine-sweeper, and, home on leave, was feeling a bit groggy. He called to see a doctor, who examined him thoroughly. You're troubled with your throat, you say?" said the doctor. "Ay, ay, sir," said the sailor. " Have you ever tried gargling it with salt and water?" asked the doctor. The mine-sweeper groaned. "I should say so!" he said. "I've been torpedoed seven times!" BEYOND HIM. A party of wounded soldiers was busy sight-seeing in Edinburgh, when one of them thus addressed was a raw-looking but stalwart policeman, "Say, Robert, can you tell whereabouts is John Knox's house?"

"Jack Knox," repeated the puzzled policeman. "Is he lang in Edinburgh?" " What," said the Tommy, " John Knox has been dead for four hundred years." " Four hundred years," roared the amazed policeman, "an' me only been here a forlnicht!"

SETTLING IT. Tommy had been charged too much for a meal in an " estaminet'' in France, und could not make the proprietor understand what was wrong. He at last went out and called his pal Jenks, who was always boasting of his prowess in the French tongue. " I'll settle it!" said Jenks determinedly, and turning to the proprietor, he said: -. " Parley-too Francay?" " Mais oui, m'sieu," said the proprietor, bowing. " Well, wot abaht this bloomin' change, then!" said Jenks. HE ASKED FOR IT. In the days before the war a certain well-known general was on one occasion watching the operations of some territorial bearer companies. Walking up to a dressing station to inspect the men at work he saw a supposedly very-much-damaged individual, and inquired from one of the men what ho was assumed to be Buffering from. "Severe scalp wound and total insensibility," he was told. "What have you done for him?" said the general. 'Dressed his wound and then given him whisky and water," came the answerThe general stared in astonishment. "Whisky and water I" he exclaimed. "Why on earth did you give him that?" "Beg pardon, sir, he asked for it," was the reply.

HE HAD NO USE FOR ENGLAND.

An Irishman who was a conscientim objector to the war was being questioned.

" I don't believe in England," said the Irishman.

"Why not?" asked the chairman.

" I have no use for any country," said the Irishman, "that can't put a com-mander-in-chief in the field, an admiral at the head of its fleet, or a Primo Minister in its highest office." "But, my good man," asked the chairman "where are there better men than Sir Douglas Haig, Admiral Beatty, and Lloyd George?" "Well," said the Irishman, "Sir Douglas Haig is a Scotsman, Admiral Beatty is an Irishman, and Lloyd George is a Welshman." A RECRUITING STORY. They are telling a good story in Canadian army circles (says an exchange) about a certain new battalion that is being raised somewhere out West. One of its first members went round a small town canvassing for recruits, and was met at the door of one house by a fine-looking chap in mufti, whom he' invited to join up. " Well," said the man, " I've been out once." "Try again," suggested the other. "As a matter of fact," said the first man, " I have joined up again. I'm in the Umptieth Rifles." "Oh! You get a transfer to our lot," urged the recruit-snatcher" a husky lad like you will get his stripes in no time." "Yes," was the reply, "but you must know I've got a pretty good job with the Umptieth." " Why, what are you?" "I'm in command," said the husky one. And 10 ho was,