ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LII, Issue 15884, 3 April 1915, Page 7 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

"Hoi, 132" and Hill 200" bring back 6ad recollections of Clem's old test match scores. Ballrooms are now being used for war purposes. Just the place for our Lancers of course. Don't leap to conclusions when you hear anyone say " Wilhelmshaven." The Kaiser still sports his moustache. It is announced that the Crown Prince has had himself painted. If only he could have had himself whitewashed. General von Kluck is proud of being called a Hun. This is the kind of pride which goes before a very bad fall. Mabel: "I think I shall give up my flat next week." Maud : " Why, is it too small?" Mabel: "No; he won't enlist." " I'm new in the cigar business, so I'm trying to familiarise myself with the various brands." "Learning the ropes, so to speak." Hermany has fixed the opening of the Ostend season for May 15. but we canrot regard this piece of news as anything but a silly season subject. Mr?. Flivver (still talking of her Continental experiences) : " My dear, for two whole weeks we were right in the midst of the terrible hospitalities '." Caller : " Pardon me. sir, but is thers another artist in this building' " Artist: "There is not. There is, however, a man on the fourth floor who paints." THE TWO BLUCHERS. A century since, joy filled our cup To hear of Blueher "coming up;" To-day joy echoes round the town To hear of Blucher going down. Mother: " Now, Bobby, was it you who picked all this white meat off this chicken'*' Bobby: "Well, mother, to make a clean breast of it, 1 did." " Don't you find that a baby brightens up a household wonderfully ' " "Yes." said the parent, with a sigh, "we have the gas going most of the night now." Scientist (in restaurant) : "Bring me a decoction of burnt peas, sweetened with glucose, and lightened with chalk and water." Waiter (vociferously): " Coffee for one." Scribbler : " Iv? a poem here advocating peace" Editor : "1 suppose that you honestly and sincerelv desire peace?" Scribbler: "Yes, sir." Editor.: "Then burn the poem." Dauber I " I observe that you don't like ray pictures, sir; but I "can only paint things as I see them." Critic : *' Then you shouldn't paint while you're seeing things like that." Mr. Subbubs : " Good gracious, Lucy, Mary Ann tried to start the fire with paraffin, and sh? has been blown out through the roof Mrs. Sububs : "Never mind; it's her day out. anyhow." " Let me see. now." said the minister at the christening, dipping his pen into the ink to record the event- " Isn't this the 27tri?" "I should say not," retorted the indignant mother; "it is only the ninth !" "How useless girls are to-day. I don't believe yoj know what needles are for." " How absurd you are, grandma," protested the girl. "Of course I know what needles are for. They're to make the graphopbone play." THE LION'S SPRING. 'Tis foe*, by foot, or inch by inch. The Allies onward crawl, And here and there a trench they "pinch," And row and thea a wall. But French and Joft're are not asleep; They understand the thing; (Be pati'jnt Now we. have to creep— But rait until the spring!

Mother: "Jimmy! On your way home from school, stop at the grocer's and get me a pennyworth of sweets and a bar of soap." Father: "What do you want with the pennyworth of sweets?" Mother: " That's so he'll remember the soap." "Well, Bobby, how is your sister?" asked the parson. " Oh, she's sick in bed: hurt herself terrible," replied the youth. "I'm sorry to hear that. How did 't happen?" "We were playin' who could lean farthest out of the window, and she won!" .Mr. Mold, the undertaker, was a hustle'. In his opinion even a funeral could be made a thing of beauty, if not a joy for ever. He stood on the kerbstone surveying with much pride a glorious motor hearse, his latest innovation. "What do you think of it?" he asked a friend. "Pretty smart, eh?" " Splendid, old man. People will be simply dying to ride in it." " Now, Silas," said the speaker. " I want you to be present when I deliver this speech." " Yassub." "I want you to start the laughter and applause. Every time I take a drink of water, you applaud ; and every time I wipe my forehead with mv handkerchief, you laugh." " You better switch dem signals, boss. It's a heap mo' liable to make me laugh to see you standin' up dar deliberately takin' i drink, o' water.'' Warden : "So you got rid of your pastor?" Elder: "Yes; he was a good man, but he was too dry ill his preachingalways giving us a history of the Jews. But we don't like our new pastor , much, either.' Warden: "What's the matter with him?" Elder: "Well, lie preaches with tears in his Voice all the time. ' Warden : "1 see. The old pastor was too historical, and the new one too hysterical" 0 LANCKS THE WAY. (After Burns) 0 'drift's the way by bank and brae That rins ta<- Tipperarv. But tit the end wlia'll finH i friend Mair winsome than my Mary'' fco tare ye v.eel blithe P-.-j.l--l. Auld Leicestei Square I've fi>il yeUy feet maun gap ili< lan-; Ian;; way My hairt has ;.auri a'ready. Pat and his bride had romp to London fur a f<-w days, and hail lakiM th»ir places at the dinner-tahU- of an hotel, when a voting man opposite took a stick of celery front the glass in 'he centre of the table and began to eat it. The bride looked at him a moment with disgust, and then nudged her husband, with tin- remark: "Pat, just look at that kguard 'iitin' the (lowers." It was never a happy day for Sammy's painstaking father when his young hopeful's school report arrived. As for Sammy himself—well, he was a philosopher. The awful day had come once more, and father was in the lowest depths of misery "Sammy—Sammy," he groaned " why is it that you are at the. bottom of your 'lass again''" "What does it .matte"', father, whether 1 am at the tup" or the bottom?" queried that v.,se youth. "They teach the same at b"th ends, you know '" The vicir callel on OT'aherty, who war, a notorious wealthy skinflint, for a donation towards buying a peal .if bells {<..- the church. " Mr. ' o'Flaherty." he he;an, " we are getting up a subscription foi a chime of hells to he attached to our church. Your friends O'Dillon, (i'l)oogan, and O'Uoolan, have each contnhuted in proportion to their earnings. Surely we can e.\|>eit a large amount from von. and then when the bells ring, everyone will think of O'Flaherty." O'Klahtrtj agreed, and forthwith forfeited a cheque. One Monday lie visited the vicar. " Here, I say," he said, *' those bells ate no good. I was listenin' ;o them yesterday, and thev didn't do" what you" said. They simply went Ijillon-Uoigan-Pillon-Doolan, with never e. word about O'Flaherty V s