ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume LI, Issue 15730, 3 October 1914, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

A girl doesn't need a fountain pen to write a gushing letter. The only certain tilings in life are those which have already happened. We always see the worst of people when we fail to get the best of them. The most changeable thing in the world is a woman. The next is another woman, Why a man tells Iris wife so many lies is because he knows that she won't believe the truth. " You say you're a moving picture hero?" " Yes. my wife makes me go to them every night."' "IV you play golf?" he asked. " No," I pi-ip replied. " I don't even know how to I hold a i sddie.' 1 | Piffkult Advice: "Quite simple, l madam : you just 'rats the contents before you opens the tin." ,la. : " Darling, how would yon advise me i" ask your father for your hajr' . ' Rrtty :" By telephone." ' ' It probably never occurs to an eighteen year "Id hoy that he'll be a man some day and knows as little as his dad. When a woman can't hoar to have her hii.-ba.nd out of ho sight, he's either a very good husband or a veiy bad one. lea hoi-. "Johnny, what is a hypocrite?" "A boy wot (dines to school wi'h a smilo on his lace," answered the youngster. Many a man who looks down from tho to unost rung of the ladder of fame confa ?es that the view from the ground was nr ch better. ''Ever been in. captain?" said the visitor to tho seafaring lounger on the beach watching the _ bathers. " Wuiist." " When ." " Shipwrecked." 'Little Kitty, on seeing a barque passing Folkestone with all the sails set, ex claimed : "Oh, daddy, look at that lovely ship with all the blinds down !" "Our cook is so careful about thieves. She always locks tho doors, even in the daytime." "That's nothing. Our cook always keeps a policeman in tho house." Excitable Party, at Telephone : " Hallo! Who is this? Who is this?-" Man at Other End : '' Haven't got time to guess riddles. Tell yourself who you are !" " Ma'am, here's a man at tho door with it parcel of fish, and it's marked C.0.D." "Then make the man take it straight back to tie dealer. I ordered trout." Once & ferryman was asked by a timid lady in his boat whether any persons were ever lost in that river. " Oh, no." said he. "Wo always finds 'em again the next day." " What makes that hen in your back yard cackle so loud?" "Oh, they've just laid a comer-stone across tho street, and she's trying to convince the neighbours that she did it." " You are getting very bald, sir," said the barber. "You yourself,"- retorted the customer, "are not free from a number or" defects that I could mention if I cared to become personal.''. "And you wouldn't begin a journey on Friday?"" "Not I !" " I can't imagine how you can have faith in such a silly superstition '" , "No superstition about it. Saturday's my pay-day!" . ' : "Do you play any instrument, Mr. Bovren?" "Yes, I'm a cornctist." "And your sister?" "She's a pianist." "Does your mother play'" ".She's a zitherist.", " And your 'fattier ?" " He's a pessimist !" "The only objection I have to golf," said Miss Cayeni)";, " is that it sometimes becomes a trifle wearisome." "But you don't play the game." " No. But I have a friend" who talks about it contiuu i ously." • < Small Boy : " I call my clog ' Sausage,' because he's only half-bred." Second Boy: " That reminds* me of a. goat wo called 'Nearly,' because ho was all but; and a prize cock we called 'Robinson,' because it crew so." A retail dealer ordered a lot of merchandise. The firm telegraphed him: " Cannot ship your order until tho hist consignment is'paid for." Unable to wait so long," wired the dealer. "Cancel the order." Tenant: "You've called for the poor tata, have you? What is the poor late, may I ask"'/" Collector : " It's for the benefit of people without means, sir." Tenant: "Ah, then, you mean you've called with it, not for it'.'' An Irishman entered a chemist's shop, pointed to a stack of soap, and said : " Oi want a lump o' that." " Very well, sir, said the assistant. "Will you have it scented or unscented?" " Oi'll take ut with me'." said the Irishman. "Ya-as. 1 twied to play gawf larst summab, don't ver know, but I gave it up when I was hit on the head by a beastly bail and knocked perfectly silly, don't yer know." " Tough luck, old chap, and can t the doctors do anything for you?" The Widow's Hint: "Is it- true that the widow proposed to Tompkins?" " Yes, in a wav. Tompkins was calling there one evening when she handed him a novel to read entitled 'Put Yourself in His Place.' Tompkins took the hint."

Applicant : " ma'am, I couldn't work where there's children." Madam: " But we advertised for a girl who understood children." Applicant :" Oh, I understand 'em. ma'am: '1 hat's why I wouldn't work where they are "Tell me, mv good woman, how you fame bv vo'ur injuries." Why, Billy hit me nve'r the 'ead iviv a mottar." "A n.otUr Whatever might that he'.' " Why. it's one ov them tings wiv a, frame rnond'it an' -bless-our-home' in the

middle." ■Received 1-v a Clergyman': "This is to give you net is that I and Miss Jemima Rreailv is coming to your church on Saturday afternoon next to undergo the operation of matrimony at your hands. Please be prompt as the cab is hired by the hour." \ tourist while travelling in the North of Scotland, far away from anywhere, exclaimed to one of the natives: Why what do von do when any of you are ill. You can" never get a doctor. *ae. sir." relied Sandy. " We've jut to dee a natural death." Mother: ".Sometimes there are rude bovj in Sunday-school who giggle and smile at little girls, and sometimes little -iris smile back at them, but I hope my l,ttle girl does not behave like that Small Daughter: "No, indeed, mamma; I always put out my tongue at em. The customer in the grocery store, bavin,, ruined his clothes, was fuming •■Didn't von fee that sign, Iresh paint?'"asked the grocer. ' Of course I Sid." snapped the customer; but Ivo wen so n»nv signs hung up here announcing something fresh which wasn t that I didn't believe it." \ ioke lust resuscitated oil the music hall, 'is that which tells how a friend once wrote' to Mark Twain a letter, saying he was in very bad health, and concluding . "I* tlme'anvthinc worse than having toothadie and earache at the same time. Mark Twain wrote back: "left-rheuma-tism and St. Vitus's dance.' A certain mamrTnlhe Philippine? managed in some wav always to get leave just before trouble with the J&™.™?™'' His colonel suspected him of having no stomach for fighting. " some day remarked the colonel, 'they'll wan to give that fellow a deforatton, and 1 L*" 3 one. It. will be a wreath of leaves ot absence.- 1