ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9124, 4 August 1888, Page 4 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Kentucky school-teacher (to infant class): "Yes, dear children, the camel can go seven days without water." Class (in chorus) : "Is that all?"

Bridget: " Miss, there's two ladies wants to see you." Miss: "I hope you asked them into the parlour." Bridget: "No, miss ; sure I thought I'd better bring you the tickets first."

Rejoice, good friend, you're not a Roman, and count your privilege as great; for well we know in these days no man would have patience to write MDCCCLXXXVIII.

A very funny story is being told of a popular author, who, upon being asked his opinion as to the " best hundred books," calmly replied, "I have not yet written quite one hundred." He: " Handsome woman that Major Bolo's wife; but why will she wear such loud gowns ?" She : "Outof consideration to the major, I fancy ; he's so shockingly deaf, don't you know ?" Physician (to patient) : " Your case is a very serious one, sir, and I think a consultation had better be held." Patient (too sick to care for anything) : "Very well, doctor ; have as many accomplices as you like."

"Oh, Mr. Lighthead," remarked Miss Oldgirl, with a simper, " I've seen just 18 happy summers to-day." "Only 18 happy ones ?" replied he with pity in his tone. " What an unhappy life you must have had !"

Dr. Digby, going round to the mews, finds his new coachman's children playing about, and introduces himself : " Well, my little man, and do you know who I am?" Boy : " Yes ; you're the man who rides in father's carriage." Anxious amateur (his first appearance) : "C-c-can you suggest anything, old f-fellow, b-b-before the c-c-curtain goes up?" Friend (stage manager): "Well, I think you ought to put some pads on your teeth to keep them from chattering." A beggar in London had been a long time besieging an old gouty, testy, limping gentleman, who refused his mite with much irritability ; on which the mendicant said : "Ah, plase your honour's honour, I wish your heart was as tender as your toes." "Well," remarked Mrs. Brown, "I've noticed this about men. When we are girls they don't go away until after midnight, and when we are wives they don't come in until after midnight. I suppose it is the law of compensation, and I don't complain." A town maligned Passenger (at railway station, to native) : I say, stranger, this town seems to be a quiet sort o' place ; not much going on." Native: "Well, I dunno 'bout that, mister. There's a dog fight on fer to-night, an' we had three funerals last week.

"I hear, laird, ye are gaun to be married!" "Yes, Sandy; and what for no?" "A weel, I dinna ken! But if you tak' an auld man's advice, dinna tak' a wife wi' siller. My wife had twal punds when we married, and I never hear't the end o't till it was a' dune."

One of the unpleasant effects of civilisation is being felt by the Indians, who having adopted hats and caps, are gradually becoming bald. It is really sad that men who have been for so many generations devoted to scientific methods of raising hair should find themselves in their present plight. Mrs. Mayne Chance : "My dear, you have my sympathy. So that rich old humbug has broken off his engagement with you. You have his letters, and have seen a lawyer, of course ?" Miss Piper : "Oh, certainly; but he made an assignment last week !" Mrs. M. C. : "The wretch !"

Young man : "I cannot understand, sir, why you permit your daughter to sue me for breach of promise ; you remember that you were bitterly opposed to our engagement because I wasn't good enough for her, and would disgrace the family." Old man: " Young man, that was sentiment; this is business."

An Irishman not long since was summoned before a bench of county magistrates for being drunk and disorderly. "Do you know what brought you here?" was the question put to him. " Faix, yer honour, two policeman," replied the prisoner. "Had not drink something to do with bringing you here ?" said the magistrate, frowning. " Sortinly," answered Paddy, unabashed ; "They were both drunk."