ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9082, 16 June 1888, Page 5 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

Thekb is nothing better than an old friend, unlesss it is a young friend of the other sex. Betting on a man's death is called life insurance. Money is paid over to friends of the winner.

A lady advertises that she has "afine, airy, well-furnished bedroom for a gentleman twelve foot square." A man in New York is paid £2400 a year for sampling tea. For sampling whisky some men pay out as much as that. A few wealthy Chinamen are trying to control the laundry buisness of a far Western cityj we are told by an exchange. It should be called an Ah Sindicate.

" Do you think I'm a fool, sir ?" thundered a fiery Scotch laird to his new footman. "Ye see, sir," replied the canny Scot, "I'm no , eao lang here, an' I dinna ken yet." From the tone of the Louisville press we judge that the death of Mr. Lewis Clarke's bay gelding has cast a gloom over the entiro community. Chicago Morning News. " My dear," h< said, " what is the differonce botwoen ii.genious and ingenuous ?" " The difference between u and i," she replied, and he scr itched his head for a diagram. The champion meanest man is the husband who placed his pocket-book in a mouse-trap, so that his wife could not get at it in the early morning without liberating a mouse.—Baltimore American. A scientist wants people to remember " when they drop a tear they let fall a mixturo composed of water, salt, soda, phosphate of lime, phosphate of soda, and mucus." They can go on crying all the same.

No cause for congratulation:—"Fifty years ago, gentlemen," exclaimed the orator, on tire with enthusiasm, " there was no such town as Cheyenne !" That's so. There ehoudn't be any such town to-day, either, but, alas, there iH. " Father," said the editor's little boy, " is the new Emperor of Germany an editor ? I sue when he speaks of himself he says ' we.' E " No, my son. That is a word the Emperors have stolon from the editors without proper credit." French joke :—An unhappy man, about to throw himself under the wheels of an approaching railroad train, was seized and held by the switchman, who said to him : "What arc you trying to do that for?" " Let me die. I am ponniloss—hopeless." " H.ivo you no friends —relatives ?" " 1 have a wife, and she is rich." " Then why don't you go and live with her?" " No ; I am not so desperate as all that." A small boy of Springfield, Mass., went to the grocery to get some things for his mother, but when lie tried to recall one of the articles he couldn't think of the name. Ho said that it was yellow, and in various ways tried to give the clerk an idea of what he wanted ami finally in desperation blurted out : " Why. you know what I mean—that .stuff they burn in hell !" Then the clerk uut him the sulphur that he wanted and the orthodox child wont home happy. There is probably more than a grain of (ruth in the joke in a recent number of Xew York Life, as to the '' glories of literature." A lean, seedy -looking individual applies to a portly, well-fed publisher for n position as canvasser for a new book just coming out by subscription, and is met with an inquiry whether ho knows anything about the book. " Yes," is the reply, " I'm the author ; and I thought if I could <jet a position as canvasser I might be able bo make a little money out of the book !" In a certain parish there was a clergyman who was rather deaf, and who was very much interested in a hymn-book that he was bringing out. His clerk was quite as much interested in the subject of infant baptism, and was most anxious that all the babies born in tho district should be duly christened. One Sunday, during morning service, the clerk gave out the notices as usual. He said : " There will be a public baptism here next Sunday. Those parents who have infants, and wish them to be baptised, aro requested to send in their names to tho rector." The clergyman saw that the clerk was giving out a notice, and wished to make the information complete. Me therefore rose and said : " Those who have not got them may obtain them in the vestry. The ordinary small ones will be a penny ; the medium-sized ones will bo twopence ; special once, with red backs, may be procured for sixpence."