CALAMO CURRENTE.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 9082, 16 June 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

CALAMO CURRENTE.

Ttik Howick cross has hardly ceased to disturb the souls of the faithful till another incident has occurred in one of our aristocratic suburban churches that is likely to renew the religious ferment. For it appears that, with an enlightened zeal born of his colonial surroundings, a young lad has raised the standard of revolt against ecclesiastical mummery ; and it having been his privilege hitherto to assist in tho solemn service as a white-robed chorister, he has been ignojniniously expelled because he obstinately refuses to worship bowing to the East. Now, that lad has evidently been at the district school ; and he has learned that the site of the ancient temple of Jerusalem is not as a matter of fact eastward from Auckland; and that, if anything, it is antipodal rather than horizontal in any way. But ecclesiasticism is a thing that never learns and never thinks : and if it was placed on the other side of the Jordan, or in India for that matter, it would turn the back of its head to Jerusalem and bow eastward all the same. As the place where Solomon's temple stood is professed to be the cynosure of Christian ritualistic devotion, by the way of disguising the fact that this reverence to the East is really the heathenish remnant of the worship of the rising sun, ecclesiastics should be a little amenable to sense, and for the sake of the rising Generation and the enlightenment of young New Zealand, should bo able to render a reason for the faith that is in them, and they should tell this young Luther of the Avenue why ii is they want him to bow to the East. It seems to me that according to the traditions of the Fathers, when interpreted to our circumstances, the rightful attitude for the lad would be bowing to the we of his boot : and if the Church is to maintain its hold on tho intelligence of our rising young colonials, it must revise its geographical knowledge, and in the matter of latitudes and longitudes place itself on a level at least with the lads of the fourth standard in our public schools.

Somebody says there is a barren patch In everyone's brain, and when it happens for ... moment in its turn to have got the thinking to do. forgetfulness characterises one- actions. The Dead Letter Office tells a lot about these barren patches, and on an average for many years past between sixty and seventy thousand patches of this kind every year have had to do with the posting of letters in Xew Zealand. In ISS'2 there wore 53.000 odd -. in "S3, there were 69,000 : the year following, 6S.000; next year, 66.000 : next year the same, and so on ; and lie! her it was the same patches always, or different patches in turn, the numbers have been pretty uniform of those who forgot to address their letters. But the singular barrenness of the patches is most shown in the fact than even when articles of value were being sent, when if at any time the stupidest portion of the brain might have been vivified, it was all the same : for no less than 164 money orders, 29 postal notes, > bank drafts, 92" cheques, dividend warrants, promissory notes, stamps, bank notes, gold, silver, and copper have been sent afloat in the post otlice in one year to go seek their destinations without a guide,while the brains of the senders have been a-wool-gathering. It was. all owing to the patch.

But one might have thought that articles of rtrtu, and tangible to the grip, and such as carry with them the expression of affection or friendship in the senders, might have awaked the most dormant faculties in other portions of the brain, even if the barren patch was in charge ; yet five gold rings fourteen gold nuggets, a gold locket, a Geneva gold hunting watch, a lady's silver watch and gold chain, with four commoner silver watches, any number of braceleu-, brooches, earrings in all varieties, silk ribbons, and even a New Zealand war medal, have been sent on their aimless errand to rind a resting place in the Dead Letter Office. The Post Office has served a useful though a paintul purpose in thus detecting the prevalence of our barren patches : for it cannot be that it is only when we come to the Post Orh'ee that our barren patches do the thinking ; and when we consider of all the stupid things we see done in life, we cannot bat be sorrowfully impressed with how much the barren patches rule the affairs of this sublunary sphere. Indeed so much ia it so that when we see a man do a thing that seems to us unaccountable for its stupidity, we should charitably consider that it is al! along of his patch ; and when we are chagrined ourgelvea for having some way made a fool of ourselves, the correct enunciation of our feelings should be '-Confound my patch !" and considering how essential to a man it. is to have his wits about him, the ordinary expression of our solicitude for a friend on meeting him should not be " How do do?" but. going back to the first principles of things and to the source and origin of action, we should say " How is your patch ?"

Some funny fellow writes to me, and this is what he says :—" Weissnichtwo, June 7. Kapai, ' Pollex !' I do not know when I laughed, when we all laughed, like we did over the 'toad bite.' I don't know who you are, but I like your writings, and I like to think what good company you would be over a hot tumbler of ' Oh, be joyful!' Perhajw if I did know you you would turn out to be a miserable teetotaller, so we will let well enough alone, and I will try to give you a laugh in return. Many years ago, when it might be said of both of us perhaps that our figures were thin, and our hair was curly, whereas now the adjectives would have to be reversed, a young subaltern in Plymouth was hardup—two or three months in arrear with his mess bill, and under notice to pay forthwith or go—when he thought of what was even then an old story, how to make a cat eat mustard, and determined to try it on. One of his favourite haunts was a hotel in the town much affected by commercial travellers —there were always several of them there every day. When he thought to try on the ' eat' plan there wiis quite a crowd—a good many were chatting with the bar-maid, who was very popular, not for youth or beauty, but for genuine good nature and wit, being both 'merry and wise.' She lent her pet cat, not being disposed to bet herself, but our subaltern got many bets on at long Gilds with the commercials and others that Miss -— 'a cat would cat mustard in preference to fish. In due course the fish was prepared and placed on the lloor in the middle of an admiring crowd, our subaltern meunwhile nursing the cat on one arm while he mixed mustard and rod pepper with the free hand. When all was ready, he was told to put the mustard on the dish with the fish. , 'All right,' says he, 'take the mustard;' but he retained a spoonful, which he dabbed under the cat's tail, and put her down. The cat made two ott.ps towards the fish, paused, sat down, tied herself into a knot after the fashion of her kind, and licked off the spoonful of mustard, amidst great: applause from those of the bystanders, who had not betted. 'Oh my poor, darling Tommy,' said the barmaid, and carried him oil' for a warm bath. Our subaltern paid his naess bill that time, but he noon after wont to India and died.

Amongst those who lost their money was a fool who tried the same trick the saino fcvening, when most of the afternoon visitors had gone. Arranging for the silence of those who saw the 'cat' trick, he addressed himself to a new arrival, who was also an acquaintance, and had a dog at his heels. ' I guess that is a mustard dog?' ' W hat do you mean ?' said owner. He will eat mustard in preference to beefsteak,' says fool. 'He won't,' says owner. 'What will you bct? : says fool. * VVlmt you plea.ie,' says owner; and--6o a fresh series of bets was booked between the fool and the owner of the dog a nil most of the bystanders. The fool carried on just as the subaltern had been doing, only the dog would not be nursed, a 'i'l nearly ate him when he applied the mustard. When the dog saw the steak he seized it at once in his mouth, and while cnewinp it sat down on the carpet, and removed the mustard by progressing in a attitude with the help of his fore ,tt «. So now good friend good-night." Pollex.