ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVIII, Issue 6213, 15 October 1881, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

Tiir trade o£ London exceeds that of any other seaport in the world. On the panel under the letter receiver of the General Post Office, Dublin, these words are printed :—" Post here letters too late for next mail." "With three exclamation points George H. Hepworth has given the title of his new book, which is " ! ! !" The most pointed criticism seen of the work yet is " ? ? ?" leaving the questions of its merits open. "Ma, is the portrait of father torn!" asked a little cherub of three summers. "No, child, why do you ask?" "Why, this morning ho said, ' Darn my picture !''' Moss should be removed from the limbs of trees before it is put in mattresses. No matter how soft pieces of wood may be, they lack the downy feeling peculiar to fine feathers. Whenever you see a woman talking straight at a man, and beginning to nod her head and keep time to it with her upraised index finger, it is about time for somebody to climb a tree. "I believe the jury have been inoculated for stupidity," said the testy lawyer. '' That may be," replied his opponent, "but the Bar and the Court are of the opinion that you had it in the natural way." "Vassar has' one smart girl who will in the hereafter be heard of in woman's rights societies. She described "straw" as being a hollow thing with a ten cent man on one end of it and cent drink on the other end. A man never wants to he an accomplished linguist so much as when he has trodden on a bit of orange peel and lies flat on his back in consequence. At such a time it requires much more than the vocabulary of any one language to express his feelings. Professor (to student who writes, not for the masses but forthe educated few): " You should write so that the most ignorant of youv audience can understand all you can say." Student (puzzled) : " What part of my production is not clear to you, sir ?" She : " Why don't you grow a monstache, Euwin ? You would look so much better." He : "Well, but I don't want one. I've got a pair of cricketer's whiskers." She : "Cricketer's whiskers! What are they?" He : " Eleven on each side, dear."

Not long ago in a French provincial theatre a baritone made a fearful croak. Hisses and laughter in the audience. Then the artist came gravel}' forward and saluted the audience : "Messieurs, I discover that I have issued a false note; I -withdraw it from circulation." When old Mrs. Bunsby had got through l-eading in the paper an account of the last great fire, she raised her spectacles from her eyes to the top of her head and remarked, " If the city firemen would wear the genuine home-knit stockin's, such as we make and wear in the country, they wouldn't be a-bust-iu' of their hose at every fire." The day after the wedding : Tropneureux finds his blushing bride engaged in placing her wreath of artificial flowers under a glass globe. T., my dear, what is that for?" B. B. :" To keep it clean, of course." T. : "But what—why ?" B. B. : "Who knows, my dear? I might want to use it again." One morning, a few -weeks ago, a grocer in a small town" in Scotland, on entering his shop, found the back door open and the stock lying in disorder. On completing his examination, he found that the thieves had carried off nothing more valuable than a bag of bad copper coin, the accumulation of some years of base coin dropped into the church plate. After all, it appears that George Washington was not the first who said orally to his father in the garden one day, "Father, I cannot tell a lie." A similar story is told about William Shakespeare, and in order to ; prevent confusion, we may as well mve- this , version also. It runs as follows :—One day 5 William Shakespeare's father eanie home i "ndweniandhafke* a cherry-tree. TYlea g his father discovered the damage done, he :| said suspecting hisison, " Will,. who jb.a :| Sat'" Theu-WiU Ins.father | frankly in the face,:said, "Father, I cannot 1 te'l a lie; it was Ben Jonson, -■ - |