ASMODEUS DOETH the "GENTLE SHEPHERDS, TELL ME, PRAY," BUSINESS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVIII, Issue 6201, 1 October 1881, Page 6

ASMODEUS DOETH the "GENTLE SHEPHERDS, TELL ME, PRAY," BUSINESS.

This is » very euphemistic age, and the days of calling a apade a spade seem apparently to be relegated to that indefinite period ycleped "Ye good old times." Talleyrand, that diplomat of more than Muscovite mendacity and capability for equivocation, said that "language was given to us to conceal our thoughts," and nowadays that philosophic maxim seemeth to be thoroughly acted on. Language that savourcth of earnestness is at once sternly repressed as "unparliamentary," and big, big D's are never (well., hardly ever) heard to echo amongst the ancestral halls of Austral Gotham. In a report anent an unexpected hitch in the operations of the new company lately formed to work the sulphur deposits at W T hite Island, Mr. Mulvor illustrates the abore preambular statement to perfection. The hitch was caused by the rapacity of | someone or other unknown ; who, in hopes of being able to make a rise out of somebody else, constituted himself a bipedal dog in the manger for the time being ; aud, speaking of the aforesaid hitch, Mr. Mclvor said, " It was owing to the remarkable commercial instincts" of the aforesaid graspacionist. Eh, mon, isn't this as bee-u-tiful a .definition of greed s.s the language is capable of ? It would be an interesting study to find out how far the absurd modern libel laws are responsible for this excessive inealy-mouthi-ness ; but, " Tell me, gentle shepherds, tell me, pray," why should spades, if not called spades, at least be called "instruments for digging with," instead of being flattened down to " instruments necessary to the tillers of the soil;".which may mean anything or nothing. Once upon a time there existed two or three seats for tired wayfarers in Symondsstreet and three or four in Ponsonby Road, where, in summer time, pater and materfamilias could sit and talk; where nursegirls could rest their arms and bodies, weary of carrying infantile olive branches; where strangers, admiring our beautiful environments, could pause and rest ill their peregrinations ; and where in cool summer evenings, the gushing luvyers of the horuyhander3 of Austral Gotham could sit down and tenderly spoon, "the world forgetting" (and except for larrikins), "by the world forgot." These blessedly convenient seats have been swept away one by one, and '' tell me, gentle shepherds, tell me, pray," why should it be so? For did they not do much good, and no harm and being merely a stout boards on two blocks, they cost next to nothing. The masculines can rest in the "pubs," but where can the ladies rest now ? While the womeu's-righters are fooling about abstractions, here is something for them to agitate about, which is tangible and Some time ago it was proposed, and I believe carried, that the trees in Wellesleystreet East should be taken up and replanted in the roadway. Asmodeus kuoweth not the reasons conducing to that decision, but he would persuasively point out that those trees are the only ones worthy of the name in our streets; that they are pictures of arborescent health and vigour; and that, being mostly along reserves, public buildings, or the park borders, they would scarcely interfere with any buildings. "Gentleshepherds, tell me, pray," why should they be disturbed? —especially as their roots now extend far beyond the footpaths, aud, therelore, future asphalating would do thein no harm whatever. Woodman, spare trees. They grow like winking now, Cast not Mitfordic eyes Upou each leafy bough ; Nor long to Goldie-ise, By mopstioking each tree, And blessings vou will get, With a hip-huoray from me. There are sundry aud divers who do not yet perceive that the mission of Asmodeus is not only to instruct, but also to amuse; therefore, amid the golden words of wisdom, dropping like honey of Hybla from his lips, are mixed up sundry words and phrases savouring not of English undefiled, and scraps of sad. rourautish songs, ranging in style from " Jim Crow" to " lileeding-heart-Bleediug-heart-bleeding-away. n These rythmical morceaux are for the pnrpose of fixing tilings that are desirable to be remembered on the Austral Gotham mind, for even the worst of memories are amenable to the power of rhyming couplets. As an instance in point, how mauy of us find a difficulty in recollecting the number of days in each month ; and have they not found the doggrel rhymes, Thirty days hath Septerabor, April, June, and November, All the rest have thirty-one, Excepting February alone, &c., of incalcalable value thereauent? Now, a little bird hath carried to the ears of Asmodeus a whisper that some think that the aforesaid scraps of sad romantish songs in which heoccasionally indulgeth are derogatory to the dignity which should invest his gentle vaticinations anent the shortcomings of Austral Gotham ; therefore he wishes to lay before ye, 0, ye hypercritical Gothamites, a few instances in which greater men than himself have set him an exemplar therein. Would you, O gentle objector to rythmic interpolations, consider Lamb's writings as wanting in thought or depth ? But how many of us can recollect anything of either himself or his writings, save his unforgetable scrap of rhyme, There is land of pure delight, Where omelets grow on trees, And roasted pigs come crying out, *' O, eat me, if you please." Then, again, there is Thackeray, that stinging writer anent bygone dynasties, present snobs, ct hoc yenus omne ; even he unbended occasionally to write rhymes that, by no conceivable analogy, could be connected with his prose writings. Take, for instance, his impromptu rhymes beginning thusly : — "IVas in the Atlantic Ocean, In the equiuoxial gales, That Jack did tumble over Among the sharks and whales. And then his ghost appear*i-o 1, Saying, " Weep 110 more for ine, For I've been and married a mer-mi-ado At the bottom of the deep blue sea," &c. Then, which of Professor Whewell's writings are better remembered than his scraps of rhyme. Take, for instance, his lines on a cypher, playing on its pronounciation as " sigh for," thus :— O, O no O, but, O, O me. O, O no O your O I'll bo ; O, let my O a O go, And give 0010 you so. And arc not the nonsense verses relating to all but impracticable rhymes in everybody's mouth and memory, such as Walking in a shady grovo With my Julianna, For lozenges, I g/we my love . Some ipecacuhanha. Or else that rhyme anent Timbuctoo, which runs thusly : — Whero tlie gentle cassowaries Iloam the plains of Timbuctoo, There they gobble missionaries, Coat, and hat, and hymn-book too. These instances "might be multiplied ad inJinitum, and, to come down to modern times, even the great Snyder, who erstwhile did tickle the cacchinatory muscles of the Gothamites in these columns, even he, that Israelite in whom there was no rhyme, once broke out into song ; and putting a scrap of sad romantish Bong in the mouth of an election candidate, whom his Snyderian philosophy couldn't abide, thuslied : — As I came down Queen-street walking, Whom think you should I see 1 But mine onomy, old Snyder, And he winked a wink at me, »fcc. After reading the above, "Gentle shepherds, tell me, pray," why should not Asmodeus give vent to the tintinuabulical strivings that arise in his soul; and instead of applying them to the abstractions of the poet, apply them to the everyday doings of the Austral Gothamites ? Asmod sus. Note (by printer's devil, who thinks he knows the Asmodean mind): For " Gentle shepherds" read " Festive cusses."