ODDS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XIII, Issue 4667, 28 October 1876, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

When ia a pie like a poet ?—When it is Browing. The end of the London season—Disappointment.— Punch. *'

A lady who keeps a boarding-school advertises "a vacancy for two boarders, who will be treated as one of the family." Binks's ShCKET.—Binks (who, in seaside lodging, suspects hie landlady of taking hie wine); " .Look here, darling, I think I've done the .dishonest old cat this time. I've marked the height of the wine on the bottle with my diamond ring. Now we shall be able to detect . (Turns and discovers, not his darling, but his landlady. Denouement.)

PRESERVATION OF A FAVORITE MINISTER. Some years ago a minister was called in to see a man who was very ill. After finishing his visit, as he was leaving the house, he said to the man s wife, "My good woman, do yon not go to any church at all ?" " O yes air we gang to the Barony Kirk." " Then why in the world did you send for me ; why didn't you send for Dr. Macleod ?" " Na, na, sir, 'deed no ; we wedna risk Mm. Do ye no ken it s a dangerous case o' typhns ?" How to Pop the Question.—"Gracious," says I, "I'm twenty-one past, and it's time to look after .Nance." Next day, down I went. JNancy waa alone, and I asked her if the squire waa in. She said he wasn't. "'Cause," said I, makin' believe I wanted to see him, "our colt has sprained hia foot, and I came to see if the squire wouldn't lend me his mare to go to town." She said she guessed he would—l'd better sit down and wait till the squire came in. Down I sat; she looked sorter strange, and my heart felt queer round the edge. "Are yon goin' down to Betsy Martin's quilting , ?" after a while sez she. Sez I, "Keckon I would." Sez she, " Suppose you'll take Eliza Dodge ?" Sez X, " I mought, aud then I mought not." Sez she, " I heard you was going to get married." Sez I, "I wouldn't wonder a bit." I looked at her and seed the tears coming. Sez I, "Maybe she'll ax you to be bridesmaid." She riz up, she did, her face as red as a boiled beet. " Seth Stokes," and she couldn't say anything more, she was bo full. " Wouldn't you be bridesmaid, Nance?" sez I. "No," sez she, and burst right out. " Well," sez I, " if you won't be the bridesmaid, will you be the bride?" She looked up to me. I swar to man I never saw anything look so awful putty. I took right hold of her hand. " Yes or no," sez I, rignt off. " Yes," sez she. " That's the sort," sez I, and givin' her a kiss and a hug. We soon hitched traces to trot in double harness for life, and I never had cause to repent my bargain. Spitting at a Mark for Frvs Dollars a Spit.—General Eli H. Murray, United States Marshal for Kentucky, one of the handsomest men in the State, besides his other accomplishments, is a charming storyteller. While enjoying the cool breezes that circulate through thecorriders of the Customhouse recently, a young blood proposed to bet on the correctness of the time of bis watch. "No," said General Murray; "I will bet you on Judge Istites' game." " What is hia game, D. P. ?" inquired a Ledger representative. " No," said the General, " the Judge don't play that game now.; or if he dues, it's only in a small way. The game I spoke of is spitting at a mark." " How is it, played?" "You see," said the General, "many years ago, when the Judge was a young man, he was Judge of a circuit down in Southern Kentucky, Madisonville, Hopkins county, was in his circuit, and Court was in session. Then the Circuit Court always attracted a big crowd of people, and the little country tavern was full to overflowing, so much so that four or five persona had to occupy the same room. The Judge sod four or live of the big lawyers crowded together. They indulged in a. little mental relaxation in the shape of draw poker until a late hour. When tbe game broke np they retired to bed in a hurry and left the candle burning. -The lire had gone out, the weather was cold, the floor not over-clean, and none of them liked to get out of his warm place to blow out the candle. After fruitless efforts to induce some one to get np and extinguish thejlight, the Judge proposed that they should put it out by spitting at it; then the fun commenced. The awkward efforts of some of the party excited the ridicule bFthe others. • You can't epit over your chin, , said the Judge to one of the party who made a poor shot. 'I can beat you,' was the retort. • Money says you can't,' answered the Judge. The cold weather and the dirty floor were alike forgotten, as the rivals sprang from their warm) places. Money was put up, » mark made, and the contest began. Tie contest was so exciting that the others were soon drawn, and there, in the chill, fireleu dreariness of the best room of a country tavern, the Judge of the Circuit and four or five of the brightest b'ghts in the Circuit, stood up in their shirts and spit at a mark for five dollars a spit."— Louisville Ledger,