ENTRE NOUS

Free Lance, Volume XVIII, Issue 972, 13 March 1919, Page 9

ENTRE NOUS

THESE fiery orators ! Once upon a time Sir Edward Carson said that rather than accept Home Rule he would break every law there was. Edward did not realise the job he was taking on. When Home Rule comes, he will be an old and weary Edward before he completes the business and secures convictions for wounding., selling adulterated milk, barratry, arson, bigamy, leaving a horse and cart unattended, demanding money with threats, murder,, larceny as a bailee, being on licensed premises after hours:, sedition, abduction, failing to register a dog, casting away a ship, uttering bogus notes, burglary, and several ■other things. This habit of shouting out that _ rather than this ov that one would be or do something or other is a fine old gag, and the public usually feels pretty sure that in most cases the sh outer would rather not. They do it a. great deal in Ghristchurch. One gentleman, with the improbable name of Joseph. Hamlet, has been writing to the " Sun" to say " My God, I would rather -be crucified" than speak as a JVlethodist clergyman did. •x- ■» But Bob Semple goes much further than this. Robert dislikes editors, and he used that feeble implement the English language for three hours the other night in a vain attempt to ex r fcress his abhorrence of the man who runs the newspaper. To Bob the English language is as inadequate as a bun is to a mastodon, but he can get some rich effects from it all the same. From •a perusal of the report of his speech, in which he gave a list of the various situations in which he would prefer to be if given the alternative of consorting .with, an editor, we should say that if Bob ever is forced into any kind of relationship with such a creature he will find some difficulty in doing what he wishes. He would rather be found dead with Rosa Luxemburg than alive with the editors ; he would also rather §wing on the same rope as Robert Emmet; he would "rather" a lot of things. In fact, Bob has undertaken 3-<big contract. When he becomes old and rich, and consorts with editors, and then remembers his declarations and carries them into effect, he will T}e the most complicated corpse in .the history of Labour. * * * * Things are beginning to move in the liquor battle. The other day the Prohibs. sprung an open-air demonstration in Wellington and descended upon that holy' Of holies of the sons of toil, Post Office Square. With commendable courage and fortitude they took up a position in full view of the •corner hotel, the four-penny door of which exuded a faint perfume in the clear autumn air. The leader of the cohort, the Rev. R. S. Gray, opened fire with a barrage of hot stuff about ithe evils of der-r-rink, but the wharifies, some of whom at least had washed down their midday meal with -cold tea, wanted to forget it. Also the thermometer was agin' the '' teatotallers." Consequently, the Rev. R. S. Gray hadn't proceeded far on his watery course before he was interrupted, and getting down from the tribune —from the express, that is—he got into a heatied argument with somebody in the crowd. All the elements of "an •iliigant foighV' as Murphy would have expressed it, were present, but the situation did not get the length of blows, vthough at one time it looked like it.

Dr. Walter Kidd, writing in the London "Daily Express," comments on the prevalence of fiat feiet among women, and talks of one fair one whom he admired driving her car, but when she alighted she was—" a goddess in a car, a dachshund on the path." The worthy doctor continues to say that about 90 per cent, of our more "prosperous women" are flat-footed, and .walk like ducks and dachshunds, etc. This clipping! is sent by an up-country reader of the Free Lance. Presumably she is of the sex libelled (?) by the above-mentioned medico, for she pertinently asks : " What about the men p . Don't they waddle when they walk, even sometimes like unto the famous Charlie Chaplin?" Well, we must confess we could name a few who amble so, even here on Lamb ton Quay? Could you, gentle reader? * * * * , The German civilian is a crawling, snivelling sycophant, says Major R. L. Evatt, who returned to Wellington by the last draft. When the New Zealanders crossed the frontier the Germans handed them sycophant smiles, the best, of everything, and were everlasting washing their hands with invisible soap. It takes a bully to do the boot-licking act> to perfection. A propos, an American paper remarked: '' The Germans started out to lick the world, but only got as far as licking its boots." * *3C- i<- * . The 'flu quarantine in Australia was responsible for a queer wedding the other day. A Victorian clergyman had arranged to read the marriage service for two persons living on the New South Wales side of the border. The ceremony was to take place in Victoria, and the wedding- breadfast was ready, but at the last minute the prospective bride and groom realised that if they entered Victoria they would not be allowed to return to New South Wales, so they decided not to run the risk. The clergyman of course was not permitted to enter New South Wales, and further his license to perform marriages extended only to Victoria, so i,t was suggested that he should stand on the Victorian bank of the Murray, and the bride and groom on the other. The puzzle is, where were they married ? # '•- 36* A Cliristchurch correspondent writes: "For the past month this town has seemed to have as many clergymen about as returned soldiers. There was first the Anglican Synod, which, getting in first, occupied as much space in the papers as the war used to to do before Tirpitz shaved his whiskers and Max started pulling the hails out of the' Hindenburg statue in order to show that Germany had ' got salvation.' Some people said the reports of the Synod .meetings were good reading, but I cannot of my own knowledge confirm- this. The Anglicans were followed by the Presbyterians, and they also occupied great spiace in the papers. Even the layman could feel that a different body from the Anglicans had arrived by observing the less strictly clerical cut of the delegates' clothes and faces. The Presbyterians were relieved by the Methodists from far and near, and if the forces of evil have not succumbed to this series of offensives the forces of evil must be very strongly entrenched. It was merely coincidence that the annual conferences of the three bodies happened to have fixed Ghristchurch for their meeting-place this year. I do not know whether Ghristchurch is any the better foi it, but the gardeners are all praying for rain. * -X- -3f * " Sandwiched in between these clerical assemblages were all kinds of other things. What we might call the heavy howitzer battery was represented by the Senate, and a strange sight it was

to see l-tobert Stout and Joe Hanan, in the intervals of senateering, strolling about the town and looking in at the butchers' windows. The average man neither knew nor cared what the Senate was up to, and reading the re-pm-ts of its proceedings did not help him a little bit. The only point of interest was the appearance of Mr von Haast in support of a motion to avoid appointing as an examiner one Braunholz, or Blutwurst, or Sauerkraut, or something. As Mr von Haast pointed out, these Patagonian names raised all kinds of doubts and obstinate questionings in the mind of f Pro Bono Publico,' and filled ' Paterfamilias ' with alarm." Pondering on this question the public largely missed the appearance of Mr Hanan as an adviser on the, writing of good English, which was as excellent a jest in its way as the withdrawal of a motion about English in order that it might be' expressed in . English. And while the public was trying to listen to the clergy and to the Senate, various gentlemen rep-, resenting commerce foregather and took a hand in the problem of saving the State. Their idea was not the propagation of religion, or the development of English literature—Salvation, they urged, lay .in duties of 200 per cent, on everything they manufactured. So Christchurch has had a large delivery of assorted, gatherings from which to pick out such lumps as were hidden in the slack. But its mental fires are not burning much brighter for it." 1 'K" i(r i£■ The published semi-official statement. a few days ago that the Board of Trade will " probably occupy some weeks in preparing its report on coal production and prices would be vastly amusing were it not, from the . public point of view, positively pathetic. Week after week, month after month, slips by and the Government), through the ".'Bored of Trade," is doing virtually ■ nothing; that is practical to ensure a decently adequate supply of coal being available for use next winter. Within a little over two months the cold weather will begin. It is practically certain that, unless there is brought about, by some means or other, a substantially augmented production of coal from the New Zealand mines, the Dominion 1 is fated to experience the niyriad inconveniences and miseries of a coal famine as compared with which that of last winter will be a mere circumstance. * . * The Board of Trade, having been asleep all the summer, only now wakes up to announce that it is analysing the evidence, and that the preparation of its report will probably occupy some weeks." If all this be not a fine example of official apathy and ineptitude, and an example of " how not to do it" we should like to know what is. There ist, we believe, an institution entitled the National Efficiency Board. It seems to us that this sapient body could set to work to instil a little much-needed efficiency into this other apparently very bored Board, the Board of Trade. We repeat, if all this were not very pathetic, we might find it quite amusing. -35- * The Ngahauranga. (Wellington) meat works were holding their annual picnic one day last week and various foot races were on the programme. One of the oldest sports in the concern was asked to do the handicapping. He did it to the best of his ability. He had no previous performances to go on like Handicappers Joe Henrys and Bert Coyle. He handicapped them all on looks. The handicaps were duly posted in the building. A certain big flatfoote dtoiler in one of the departments was placed on scratch. Judge of the surprise of the handicapper next morning there entered a wild-eyed individual, who, without any preliminaries, exclaimed: "I'm no bally Gloaming or Desert Gold!" # * * * Dear Fkee Lance : That cable a few days ago containing the decision of the Commission of Jurists that the exKaiser cannot be charged is a lofc of rot. Here's how he can be both charged and discharged in two 'vays with little trouble. First method: Extradite him under the Absconding Kaiser Act, 1918, and fine him all the money, valuables and castles he has, until he is bankrupt. Then discharge him and hand him over to a Bolshevik money-lender. Second method: .Let him starve for one week. Then charge

him with 31bs of stale, hard, picric acidised German sausage, and 2 pints Hollands gin, three' parts vetrol. Wait two hours for explosive gases to generate in his "little Mary," then, as electricity can be put to both base and good uses, sit him on a large size spark-ing-plug and switch on; There would be such a discharge people would pay and go miles to hear and see. The ex-Kaiser would be " set free" all right—f.o.b. to Hades—soal, beets, mo and all. These commissions are far too tedious.—Yours, tie., BtjkgBang.