AN AMBUSHED PRIVATEER.

North Otago Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2081, 3 January 1879, Page 3 (Supplement)

AN AMBUSHED PRIVATEER.

A discerning young man »t Carsbu City observed with euvy that among other privileges of old men they made a point of kitting all the pretty girls they came across, with the •tereot>pod remark, " Why, my dear, I am old enough to be your father." This gave him an idea. There was to be a public ball that evening ao he went to an actor friend^ttte theatre and got himself made up a^^sVsnerable old party about 75. He then attended the fevttvites and made himself particularly ' fresh 1 etmcking pretty girls under the chin and imparting rather Frequent patriarchal salutes upon their blooming lips, putting aside any feminine objections with the above satisfying quotation. He was about making his tenth osculatory cannon on the prettiest mouth in the room, when the girl's sweetheart led him aside, scowling hideously. "What in thunder are you kissing that young lady for!" he demanded. " Why, my good young lad, I am old enough to be her father," chuckled the ambunhed privateer, with a budden assumption of stage feebleness. ' Well, if that's so, you'd better tuck in the end of that yellow moustache, sticking out under your beard.' And he hammered the fraudulent up into a lot.

Intellectual Farming.— Harrowing a man's feelings. Caught. — "M.i," sni<l a little four-year-old, "I saw something run across the kitcheu floor this morning without any legi. What do you think it was ?" The mother guessed various legless worms and things, and then finally gave it up, when the little fellow said : " Why, ma, it was water !" "I know I am a perfect bear in my manners," said a fine young farmer to his sweetheart. — "No, indeed, you are not, John ; yon have never hugged me yet. You are more sheep than bear. "My dear," asked Mrs J. of her husband, on coining home from church, "what was the sweetest thing you saw in bonnets ?" — " The ladies' facets, " was tb*> bland reply. • "Allow me to be your, beau," said a gentleman, placing hi 3 umbrella over a lady in a shower. "Thank you. I've plenty of fair-weather beaux ; so I suppose I must call you my rain beau," she replied archly. A farmer, on reading that a bull painted by Rosa Bonheur sold for I^soo, remarked to Ins wife that he didn't see how a coat of paint could no greitly enhance the value oi the animal. A clergyman says : "I once married a handsome young couple, and as I took the bride by the hand and gave her my warmest congratulations, she tossed her pretty head, and, pointing to the bridegroom, replied, ' I think he's to be congratulated.' " " Delays are Dangerous." — Young Honsej keeper : " I'm afraid those sole* I bought of you yesterday were not fresh. My husband said they were not nice at all !" — Brighton Fisherman : "Well, inarm, that be your fault — it bean't mine. I've offered. 'em yer [ every day this week, tad you «*»|bt * '*4

'em o' Monday if you'daloiked!" — "Punch." A good story is told of Professor Humphrey, of Amherst College. On* morning, before recitation, tome of the students fastened a live goose on the president's chair. When he entered the room and discovered the new occupant of his seat, h* turned on hit heel, and coolly observMfr "Gentlemen, I perceive yon haveaeompefMtf instructor, and I will therefore leave yon to your studies." An employe in a Paris branch poat-offloe-has junt married a young girl whose acquaintance he made through the fact that she came to his quichet to register letters almost every day. The happy husband has asked for three weeks holiday to celebrate tbt honeymoon in the following terms : " Mobsieur le Directeur,— l beg that you willgrant me this leave of absence in order that I may cure myself of an affection contracted in the service of theadminiitration." Royal personages of the present day appear to have a special tendency for literary and musical composition. Thus among aathors and poets we have Queen Victoria, the Quien of Sweden, the Imperial Princess of Germany, King Louis of Portugal, awl the Emperor of Brazil, to say nothing of tip Shah of Persia ; while now a number ef Latin poems by Pope Leo XIII. are to be translated intoltahan, and published after His Holiness* revision. The Pope has also written a good deal of Italian poetry. " What is the best remedy. " aked a preacher of a shrewd observer, "for an inattentive audience ?" — " Give them something to attend to," was the significant reply ; ''hungry sheep will look up to the rack if there's bay in it." That was a touching incident of the little school-girl who refused to define the word clown as " a low, vulgar fellow," and for her stubbornness was punuhed. The little girl's father proved to be a down in a circus He took her fancy when he came ; he took her hand; he took a kiss ; he took no notice of the shame th»t glowed her happy cheek at this. He took to coming afternoons ;he took an oath he'd ne'er deceive; he took her father's silver spoons ; and after that he took his leave. The force of emphasis in giving meaning to a sentence is well illustrated by the briet colloquy which was overheard the other day between two person* :—": — " Do you imagine me a scoundrel, sir ?" demanded one, indignantly. "No, Ido not imagint you to be one." Robinson (after a lone whist-bout at the club) : " If* awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife ?" Brown (in a whisper): "Oh! Isha'n't sty much, you know; 'Good-morning, dear,' or something o' that sort. She'll say the rest !" Two gentlemen were arguing in a pasture field, with only a goat for an audience. In reply to a statement of one, the otber said, "I know ; but " The goat took him at his word, and the argument was continued on the other side of the fence. The Chinese delight ;m attractive signboards, and the words upon them are a strange, amusing picture of the flowery literature of the land and the advertising instincts of a commercial people. Here are some of the signs of Pekin : "Shop of Heaven-sent Luck ;" " Tea Shop of Celestial Principle ;" " The Nine Felicities Prolonged ;" "Mutton Shop of Forming Twilight;" "The Ten Virtue* all Complete ;" " Flower give to the Milky Way." When a young lady gives herself away she naturally looses her tdf-postession. When would a volunteer corps moit need a cook ?— When they have got a range. Time is money ; of course it is, or how could you ' spend an evening ?' When does a man decline his own acquaintance ?— When he cuts himself. Mr B. f did you say, or did you not say, what I said yon said ; because C. said you said you never did say what I said you said. Now, if you did say that you did not say what I saitl you said, then what did you say? A well-to-do farmer in Ulster County, New York, who had heard good reporte of a widow in Kingston, harnessed up his span of horses and drove to her house one day recently. There he introduced himself, and she, having also heard good reports of him, welcomed him. They went out for a drive, returned to dinner; went out for another drive, and returned to supper — man and wife. They had never seen or communicated with each other befere that day. What is that which works when it plays, and plays when it works ?— A fountain. Which is easier to spell ; fiddle-de-dee or or fiddle-de-dum ? The former, because it is spelt with more e's. •They well-nigh stun one,' said Theodore Hook once, in reference to a morning concert, ' with those terrible wind instruments, which roar away in defianoe of all rule, except that which Hoyle addresses to young whistplayers when in doubt— trump it.' A lady says that engagements are very unsatisfactory affairs, for if you are not very polite and attentive, the gentleman thinks you do not care for him, and you are afraid to be polite for fear the engagement might some time be broken off, when you would be sorry to think you had wasted so much sweetness on some other woman's husband. Holcroft, the well-known dramatist, supped one evening at Opie's. After the cloth had been removed, numerous stories were told, among which.was one of a gentleman, who, having put out his candle on going to bed, read in phosphorescent characters on the wall— ' Confess thy sins. ' The gentleman fell on his knees, and, as expected, began to confess aloud — not from terror, however— for, aware it was a trick to terrify him, devised by a certain waggish young lady in the bouse, and bearing a little battle on the stairhead, guessed rightly that she and her companion* were there to enjoy his discomfiture. He confessed, as the greatest of his sins, that 'he had kissed Mi«t frequently in the dark,' and so turned the tables on his tormentor with a vengeance — a lesson she never forg >t. The most successful collector of bad debts in Philadelphia, wears a very high hat with the legend 'Bad Bills Cllected^f anted conspicuously on it, and 'th* debtor cliss' are naturally not pleased to have him hanging around their doors very much. One indignant debtor made a complaint of him before a court of law ; but the judge decided the collector could wear a hat wifh a town clock on it if he wished. An examiner* perseverance is not always successful in eliciting the desired answer. ' Was there anything in the glass ?' asked a counsel of a somewhat reluctant witness. ' Well, there was something in it,' he replied. lAh ! I thought we should get at it in time,' observed the triumphant questioner. ' Now, my good fellow, tell us what the something was." The good fellow took time to think over it ; at last he drawled out, 'It went a sppon. ' Equally unsatisfactory, from a legal point of view, was the following short dialogue : ' You hive property, you say ; did you make it yourself V — , Partly.' — ' Are you married?' — 'Yes.' — 'Did your wife bring you anything ?'— ' Y*!s.'— ' What ?'— • Three children.' The witness had the best of that bout. John Phienix, the American humorist, being one night at the theatre, fancied he saw a friend some three seats in front of him. Turning to his next neigh \tor, he said : ' Would you be kind enough to touch that gentleman with your stick ?' — ' Certainly,' was the reply, and the thing was done ; but when the individual thus assaulted turned round, Phoenix saw he was not the man he took him for, and became at once absorbed in the play, leaving his friend with the stick to settle matters with the gentleman in front, which, as he had no excuse handy, was not done without considerable- trouble. When the hubbub wa* over, themetim said : ' Yon told ms>to tJsMliat man with my "stick ' — ' Yes.'—' AsM^fcat did yottwantWr«Olrr said Phora±t>: with extreme gravity , ' I wanted to set whether you would tap him or

that hundreds of acres of crops, both wheat •and oats, are now totally destroyed. Had rain fallen only a few days ago, immense 'gook might have teen done, but the f majority of the young crops are so far ad- ! vanced tliat any rain that may come now ' will be too late to effect any material bene fit. Everything iv the shape of corn is out prematurely in ear — in many instances ' the ear being very little, if any, longer ahan the stalk itself — and is ripening fast. \V« hare seen wheat that will be ready to cut •^-what there will be of it — felly a month to six weeks before its time ; and we are convinced that this will be the rule rather than, the exception. Tho Canterbury Times of last Saturday ■ays : — Tho long period of dry weather experienced during the present season can-not-but have a moat disheartening effect upon farmers generally. Last season tho yield was light, and the season before tho 'crops were good, but the unfavorable weather during harvest effectually exting uished the bright hopes which had been widely indulged in. I his therefore being the third bad year in succession, it is to be feared that many farmers must suffer severely. Last year, it will be remembered, the reports from most of the country districts continued to be of a most foreboding nature right up to harvest, and little better than a complete failure of the crops was anticipated. The worst anticipations, however, were not realised, for although the average yield was light, it was certainly very far from a failure. Inmany individual cases, on the lighter tracts of land, the result of the year's operations was undoubtedly about as unsatisfactory as could be, but in some dis tricts, notably in parts of South Canter bury, the yield was good, and owing to the fine weather during harvest, the grain was secured in excellent condition. It is to be feared, in fact in the majority of instances, it may be looked upon as a certainty, that thee who had the lightest crops last year will again be among the hwrit-at sufferers by the drought of the present t« i3on. Late sown crops on any land will be light, if not absolutely a failure, but most of the autumn sown wheat on strong soil, will in all probability give fairly satisfactory results. The price of wheat, we fear, must open at a veiy low figure after harvest. Advices from all parts of the world seem to show that the production of wheat ia rapidly overtaking the demand. All the wheat growing countries look chiefly to Great Britain for a market for their surplus produce, and enormous as are the annual requirements of that country, it would still be a matter of surprise if its demand for breadstufts should be so elastic as to carry off the surplus arising from a universally good harvest without a great fall in prices.