Prize-Winning Jokes

Northern Advocate, 9 April 1943, Page 5

Prize-Winning Jokes

Laughs are tonics, so people say. Here are the tonics that won prizes or certificates in today’s competition:— After examining the private’s damaged leg, the M.O. diagnosed a dog-bite. Then, as a leg-pull, he added: “Perhaps the dog had rabies.’' “All right,” said the patient; “hand me a pencil and paper, please.” “Oh, there’s a good chance. You needn’t make a will yet.” “I’m making no will,” replied 'the private, with a fiendish grin; “it’s a list of the sergeants I’m going to bite!” (Half-crown .ioke sent in by Margaret Erceg, Pipiwai R.D., Whangarei.) *•* * * Lanky: “Why are you so small?” Tubby: “I was brought up on condensed milk and shortbread!” (Half-crown .ioke by Patricia Webb, T.ikipunga.) * * * * The judge asked a negro witness how many shots had been fired. “Well,” said the old nigger, “he only fired one shot, but ah heard it twice —once when it passed me, and once when ah passed it.” (Sent in by Winnifred Sinclair, Kawakawa.) * * * • ii Girl: Could you fix me a dose of castor oil that won’t taste. Druggist: Surely, miss. Won’t you have a glass of soda while waiting. Girl: Oh! Thank you. Druggist: Something else, miss? Girl: No, just the oil. Druggist: But you just drank it. Girl: Oh! dear. I wanted it for my mother. (Sent in by Margaret Finlayson, Pipiwai.) * * * • Tobacconist: Try one of these cigars. You can’t get better. Customer: I know. I had one last week and I’m still ill. (Sent in by Maurice Johnson, Maungatapere.) * * «: “What are you doing up my tree?” shouted a farmer. “One of your apples fell off,” said the little boy, “and I was trying to put it back.” (Sent in by Shirley Morgan, McLeod's Bay.) , # *:* * * Fire broke out in a sleepy village. The members of the volunteer brigade had dined well and were dozing when the call came. Only dense smoke could be seen when they arrived, so the captain said: “Best let it burn a bit so’s we can see something!” (Sent in by Reg Thomas, Okaihau.) * * * s Ma: “I put Bob in the cupboard for being a bad boy, and now he won’t come out!” Pa: "No wonder! I stored all the apples in there!” (Sent in by Roy Martin, Kamo.) (: * St Moira, staying at a farm for the first time, was afraid of meeting a bull. “There’s nothing to be afraid of—that’s only a cow,” her mother said as they went through a field. “Is it?” asked Moira suspiciously. “Well, I don't like the look of Its handle bars.” (Sent in by Myrtle Reed, Otonga R.D., Hikurangi.) «c St C St Mother: What is the baby crying for, Tom? Tom: Well, mum, he dug a hole in the garden and wants to bring it inside. (Sent in by Ruth Clarkson, Titoki.) St St St St Professor: “I forgot my umbrella this morning." King Arthur: “How did you remember you forgot it?" Professor: “Well, I missed it when I raised my hand to close it after it had stopped raining.” (Sent in by Maitland Webb, Oakleigh.) * * * * “Lady, with furniture and own cow, desires to share modernised house with another.”—Advertisement in daily paper. (Sent in by Billy Teesdale, Whangarei.) :i* * * * Little Tommy was asked the difference between prose and poetry. He pondered for a while and then said: “There was a young man of Rees who went into the sea up to his ankles. That’s prose,” he said, “but if the water had been a few inches higher it would have been poetry.” (Sent in by Nancy Bignell, Whangarei.) * Jfc & ❖ Uncle: Well, my boy, what will you be .when you grow up? Tom (aged six): A soldier. Uncle: But you will be in danger of getting killed. Tom: Who’ll kill me? Uncle: Why, the enemy! Tom: Then I’ll be the enemy. * * $ * Little Marie was sitting on her grandfather’s knee one day, and, after looking at him intently for a time, she said: “Grandpa, was you in the Ark?” “Certainly not, my dear!” answered the astonished old man. “Then,” continued the little information Seeker, “why wasn’t you downed?"