Wit and Humour.

Manawatu Standard, Volume XL, Issue 7401, 17 September 1902, Page 3

Wit and Humour.

The irony of life referred to in this verse from Lippincott's Magazine is often discussed, but rarely so happily hit off : A rich man sat down one night to

dine ; Rare was his food, superb his price

less wine. A poor man. hungry, lurked with-

out the gate, And craved a crumb from off the

rich mail's plate. Yet neither rich nor poor man ate

that night : One had no food, one had no appetite.

■ They tell this delightful story of the little daughter of Professor Van Dyke, of the Philadelphia University : "Papa, -where were you born?" "In Boston, my dear." "Where was mamma born ?" "In San Francisco, my dear." "And where was I born ?" "In Philadelphia, my dear." "Well, papa, isn't it funny how we three people got together ?" An American paper publishes this little story. It is trivial, nevertheless no excuse is needed for its repetition. They were three little maids from school riding out on a suburban car, and as they swung their school-hags they discussed the relative accomplishments of their respective parents.

"My mamma has been abroad three limes and can speak French just the same as American," boasted one flipping back her curls. "My mother can play everything on the piano—Sousa's marches and all," said the second. The third looked dreamily across the fields. "I don't know that my mother can do anything," she said slowly, "but, oh, she is such an awfully good mother to me."

Thomas Atkins and the Colonial trooper have become firm friends in South Africa, to judge .'lorn a conversation in the streets of Bloemfontein, when a company pf the Bedford . Regiment were leaving for home.

"Where are you on to ?" inquired a Colonial.

" Home," said Tommy. "Home, sweet home. We've done with Africa, and now we're ready for France or Roosha, or whoever wants to have the next turn."

"I wish you luck if it does come off," was the retort, "and we Colonials will be there, too."

"Good on ye," answered Tommy. "And right glad -yell bo to see you."

An American journal tells the following story at the expense of. American military titles :—

Somo years ago a traveller in a country district stopped to converse with a farmer who had a considerable . number of men at work in his hayfields. "Most of these men are old soldiers," said the farmer. "Indeed ! Are any of them officers ?" ' ' '

"Two of 'em. One of 'cm there was a private, and that fellow beyond was a corporal, but the man beyond him was a major, and that man away over in thes.. corner was a colonel I"

"Indeed ? Are they all good men ?"

"Well," said the farmer, "the private is a first-class man in every way, and the corporal's pretty good too "

"But what .about the major and the colonel ?"

"The major', only so-so," replied the farmer, with some hesitation. • "But the colonel ?"

"Well, sir—-well, I ain't a-goin' to say a word against no man' who hasbeen a colonel in the American army but I've made up my mind'to one thing—l ain't-a-goin' to hire' aii'y' brigadier-generals,"

A correspondent who was present during the proceedings of the Wesley an Methodist Conference in Manchester, writps to a London paper f.t> say that the subject which appeared to interest the fathers and orefchrep most was not the completion of tho Million Guineas Fund, or the purchase of the Westminster Aquarium, or the theological views of Dr. Beet; it was the scoring in the test match. Reporters arriving in the hall during the sittings were intercepted by clerical cricket enthusiasts anxious \%o. know uhother Jacksoii'and Braurid were still at the wickets, and th.o latest Tpullgtins tlitifi ob v ajned were posted q.. tho notice board and eagerly scanned by ministers and laymen. At one of the evening meetings on Friday night—which began a few minutes after the wicketsjit Old Trafipyd ]„vl been drawn -fa. 11:8 day —a reporter who.arrived after pr_y-' crs was surrounded by stcward_<who quickly conveyed the .Ttate of the game :-to those on 'the platform. I'•,?._.' „ Aujtiallß; 85* for*' fefctf. wickets could be heard beirie whispered all qver the hall. ■

I Mr G. .Very local agent for A[e<=srs Dmrpk and Co., to-day received the following :—Wc ape writing'to confirm our w^e sent yon tofay, Jn addition to our present price of fourpencc per lb. we will give a bonus of one penny per lb on all pies over 85 point., delivered beforo the^lst Octqb'er, 1002. .',

Captain Edwin wires as-follows :— • Gale from between south and {southeast and west Glass rise.