THE CONTRIBUTOR

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume XIII, Issue 707, 28 April 1883, Page 3

THE CONTRIBUTOR

| IDIOSYNCRASIES. " But every desperate blockhead dares to unutc—- | Why not ? " —Art of Poetry. Perhaps tho most remarkable step t ever taken by a Colonial Government has just been made by the Colony of Queensland, wbica on its own responsibility has annexed" the neighboring island of New Guinea, and that apparently regardless of what the opinion of the Imperial authorities may be upon the matter. When we remember the years of delay and discussion which preceded the annexation of the tiny Colony of Fiji, it certainly seems remarkable that an enormous territory, forming no inconsiderable proportion of the whole landsurface of the globe, should be added to the possessions of the British Crown on the spur of the moment, as it were, and at the direct instance of a'.few men who chance for the moment to be the elected responsible heads of one of the youngest of the Colonies. The affair will turn out to have more behind it than at present appears. The ease with which the eager co-operation of the other Australian Governments has been secured, and still more the remarkable and quite unexpected official favor which is apparently being bestowed on the scheme by members of the English Government, seem certainly to indicate that a sudden question of "now or never" had arisen in the matter; and we shall, I sagely conclude, find sooner or later that France —which has lately been seized with so remarkable a fever, for conquest and acquisition in strange lands, that in Africa and Madagascar she has apparently thrown justice and good faith to the winds—has been neatly outwitted by the prompt action of the Queensland Government in a fixed intention to annex New Guinea; exactly as she was outwitted — by a day only, I believe—in her intended annexation of New Zealand about fifty years ago. I think we shall soon hear that New Guinea was the compensation which France promised herself for the results of British policy in Egypt; and, if so, one of the first results of the affair, will probably be a baronetcy for the Queensland Premier, and a C.M.G. for the Police Magistrate at Thursday Island, who was the instrument of British colonising policy in the present instance.

I do not know whether what is known as the Melanesian Mission takes in New Guinea as part of its field of operations ; but, if so, perhaps it may be benefited by the annexation, and I see by the reports of the Anglican Synod, lately held at Napier, that the Mission sorely needs help from somewhere. I am very sorry for it. Not that I think any the worse-of people generally for not subscribing their means to benefit spiritually the hordes of blacks scattered through the South Seas: I must honestly say that if I were a benevolent person, and able to indulge my benevolence, I would bestow my help upon some, of those, unhappy ones of my own race and color whose grinding poverty and terrible need force themselves upon my attention every day in my own country. But still I am sorry for the straits of the Melanesian Mission. Some of the noblest souls of England have from time to time, devoted themselves to its service : such sacrifices as are demanded of its votaries are utterly inconceivable to any but those who have actually given attention to the subject for a long time; and yet, except as regards Bishop Selwyn and the martyred Patterson, perhaps not one j New Zealander in ten thousand could name one single name of all the long roll of devoted heroes who have given, their whole being and devoted their whole lives to companionship with the lowest and most degraded of God's creatures, with the single hope of bringing such of them as live long enough into the same blessed fold as gives shelter to (I record what is probably the native view) the Christian skippers and crews and coolie-agents who trade to the islands. I mournfully reflect upon the unattractiveness of such a heaven to the untutored mind of the savage—mournfully, because in the intuitive perception of the same incongruity by our own people lies the true cause of the present languishing condition of the Melanesian Mission. Even the magic name of Selwyn—for Bishop Selwyn, the younger, is now the head of the mission which his father founded —will fail to turn more than the momentary attention of the people of this country to an enterprise so dismally hopeless. We have, even within the last few days, ?hewn abundantly our intense interest in the \neeas of the poor among ourselves, by eagerly listening to speech after speech and lecture after lecture in the hope of learning how best to succour the oppressed. We are not, therefore, callous to the sore needs of the poor and ignorant; yet we accord to the Melanesian Mission nothing but a respectful and sorrowful, but merely momentary, attention. There is a lesson to be learnt from this by the authorities, who control such things ; but from the very nobility of the men concerned :we must despair of that Jesson being learned yet.

Last week I suggested the form of an advertisement to be issued by any deputy-Czar of Russia on the occasion of his selling out of that' unstable line of business. Since then I observe that the Coronation has been further postponed till June. This will give an opportunity for the usual copy of The Chronicle to reach the Palace at St. Petersburg before the ceremony* and I therefore respectfully suggest to His Majesty the advisability of giving the proprietors of this journal an "ad." to the following effect:—

TO DUMMIES OS DUMMYIBTS ! THE CZAR OP RUSSIA, having been credibly informed that Dummies of excellence have recently been Imported into, or successfully Baised in, the Province of is prepared to offer Liberal Inducements to Members of the Waste Lands Board, Squatting Firms, Monetary Companies, or others, who will undertake to cbtain and forward to Moscow.; securely packed, a really superior Sample or Samples of the Commodity in question. The Czar is also prepared to treat with principals trained to the business, or even intelligent apprentices of suitable moral character. Instruction in fslse declarations given gratis by any Russian official; or facility may be acquired without instruction by residence in any official bureau for a day or two. No objections' to the Tasraanian, article, err any article except those of the' Otar/o ~Daily Tillies. .. All Dummies on arrival will be carefully cla&M »nd ; tlioi'bughly tested' (by the

i dynamo-electric process)V for concealed The survivors (if any) will then submitted to the usual Competitive Ex&Kqnation, and the successful candidate will Bbv reserved for use as hereinafter licenses of the remainder will be withhaM, but they ;will be provided with suitable quarters and (to His Majesty) remunerative employment in the locality of the Siberian Mines. The selected Dummy\will then he required to go through 'a Coronation Ceremony on behalf of Jhe ovner ; after which, those portions of him whiclKcan be recovered will be banded to the M&lical College in the interests of Science, and a», undertaking will he given to his heirs that not less than 20 executions of somebody or other will be put in hand without del ly. NO IRISH NEED APPPLY. The Czar wishes to explain that he is reluctantly compelled to make this provision; owing to the .prevalence in that country of the use of .dynamite, which has been found to have an injurious effect upon his family. The highest or aay Tenderer not necessarily accepted, but the successful Tenderer may rely on being che highest on Coronation Day. . Apply, with references (which must b8 handed to the Police to be tested for explosives), to the undersigned, early.. ALEXANDER. I really think that if His Majesty initiates this new trade with a young and deserving country, he * may pull through yet.

It is with a good deal of genuine regret that X liave to inform the readers of The Mount Ida Cheonicle that, for a season at least, I must retire from my position as guide, philosopher and friend. That position I have held for a considerable time now, and, as candour is much more in my line than modesty, I may as well say at once that I have held it with credit to myself and benefit to them.. Would that I could say my philosophic lucubrations r had been as profitable to myself as to my readers, but such is not the fact. Once before I had temporarily to retire, but on that occasion there was some dignity in it, for I had no necessity to take the public into my confidence further than to say that I was going to the Kumara, and as to what I was going to do there they might exercise their imaginations in any way they liked. Now, alas ! I must leave literature to engage in that most unphilosophic of employments—rabbiting. It pays better than either mining or literature. That vicious little paragraph which I wrote about the Babbit Inspectors the other week completely fetched them, as I expected it would, and to close my mouth they have got me the best piece of ground in the district, with a whole pack of dogs thrown in. By way of inducement, I am told that I may now consider myself as belonging to the " Department"—a rather doubtful compliment, as it seemed to me. Of course there will be plenty of people ready to say, as they said before, that I am simply " pumped out" and unable to carry on any longer. Some of the knowing ones might even quote Pope, and say—- " You beat your pat?, and fancy Wit will come, Knock as you please—there's nobody at home." But it won't do to be too sure of that, for I shall hear what is going on, and will never be very far away. If, during my literary career, I have trod upon the corns of the public, or occasionally rubbed up the Editor the wrong way, I can only say of my paragraphs what Sterne said of those portions of Tristam Shandy that gave offence to his female readers—they were written in " sheer playfulness." It is with a feeling of genuine respect and pure good-nature that to the Editor and public alike a kindly farewell is tendered by the restless, cynical, sarcastic, but not ill-meaning, PAETHIAN.