THE SMILER.

Marlborough Express, Volume XLI, Issue 176, 27 July 1907, Page 6

THE SMILER.

"Do you believe that cures, can be wrought by laying on of hands?" j asked one man of another. Certain- ; ly," was the reply. " That's the way j I cured my boy of cigarette smoking! i Mrs Backpay: Good morning, sir. = Will you take a chair? Instalment House Collector: No, thank you, ma'am; I've come to take the piano. Assistant Editor: "Here's a poem from a fellow who is serving five years term in gaol." Managing Editor: . "Well, print it with a footnote ex- i plaining the circumstances. ■{■t;may serve as a warning to. other poets. ! A letter has been received from London by the manager of a Taranaki cheese, factory acquainting him with the recovery of'a long-lost scrubbing brush; It was found embedded in the substance of a prime cheddar. lhe finder: might have quoted 1 ope— ; f .'".The thing, we know, is neither '■'. rich nor rare, But wonder how the devil it got there." President Roosevelt at a Gridiron Club dinner is said to have reported this incident: " Two women, he said, " were discussing some new neigliLc urs who had removed into one ot the most sumptuous houses, m their city. 'They seem to be very rich, said the first. ' Oh, they are,' said the second. ' Shall you call?' * Decidedly.' You are sure, are you, that they are—er— quite correct, quite—er—good form/'Oh, my dear, I'm positive,' said the second woman. ' They : have thirty servants, eighteen horses, twelve dogs, eleveln automobiles, and one child.

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

The Living Skeleton: Why is the indiarubber man so happy ? The Fat Lady: Why, haven't you heard ?He's the father of a bouncing boy!

GOOD BOY

Proud parent: And where are you in your class, my boy? Young hopeful: One from the top, daddy. .M . ~ Proud parent: My boy, I am proud !of you; and now many are there in the Young hopeful: There's me and Binns.

A YANKEE OUTDONE

A Yankee passenger in a train was wearying his fellow-travellers with "tall" gtories, and remarked, "We can start with a twelve-storey hotel this month and have it finished by next." ' This was too much for the burly Yorkshireman who sat next to him. "Man, that's nowt," he replied. 'M've seen 'em when I've bin "going to work just laying the, foundation stone, and when I've bin coming home at neet they've been putting the folk out for back rent." • ' ...

QUITE .HUMAN-LIKE,

This story of a pony and cow is said to be vouched for as a fact.

It had been raining all day; everything was soaking, and the poor pony looked in vain for a dry spot to lie on. After evidently deliberate thought, he went up to a cow which had been lying in one place for a long time, and gave her a most vicious kick; this he repeated for several times, until at last she was compelled regretfully to rise, whereupon the pony promptly lay down in the very spot occupied and kept dry by the cow.

A SOFT ANSWER

A canny Scot was being shown over a man-o'-war for the first time in his life, and, being iriterested in all he saw, plied his guide 'with all sorts of questions. The marines seemed particularly to interest him^ and, going up to one, he pointed to .the; " grenade in the marine's cap,,and asked what it was. The marine looked, at him in surprise. "Don't you know what that is?" he asked. ''Why that'B a turnip, of course."

" Ach, mon," replied the Scot impatiently, "I was no axin' aboot yer head."

EMBARRASSED THE BOY

A New York business man was telling some friends not long ago of the advantages of having two telephones in his business office. ": "A new office boy entered upon the discharge of his duties last week," said the merchant, " among which duties is that of answering the telephone calls. The very first call resulted in his coming to me with the statement: ■" ' You're wanted at the 'phone by a lady, sir.' " 'Which one?' I asked, thinking of the two'phones. " 'Well, sir, said the boy, after an embarrassed, pause, ' I—l think it's your wife, sir!"