Gleanings.

Mataura Ensign, Issue 214, 12 November 1896, Page 4

Gleanings.

I l A CLERGYMAN DF.FENDS BAFFLING. | | Speaking at Auch lerarder Presby- ! tery bazaar at Crieff, tho Eov. Dr . Rankin, Muthill, said he did not think , ' raffling at bazaars savored in. the ' slightest of the principles of gambling. | Eeal gambling he denounced most | stongly. He did not see that thero I was anything akin to gambling in ' raffling, and accordingly in most of the scales they bad every one of them taken to this method of raising money. (Applause.) It was just the co-opera-tive system coming up again. If they had in value £3 £■!, or £10, there were few people who would bo prepared to buy the articles, and so in tho raffling be saw no real harm, and ho sometimes pitied those whose consciences wore more tender than his owii' as regards • raffling. (Applause.) If peoplo agreed that morally the principle was bad, then swallowed the principle and had not the openness to acknowledge the ' thing, there the blame lay. — ' Scots- ' man.' SHE'S A TERROR. Among the applications for Magisterial advice at the Clorkenwell Police Court was a little, middle-aged man, who wished to know how to deal with | his wife. She was, he said, " a puflick ! ; nuisance." For many nights past she had been in the habit of lying awake at night, pulling his nose and hair, and nagging and abusing him. Then she would get out of bed and hammer on tbe walls, to the great annoyance : of other lodgers in tbe house. She had been going on " something horfle," i and he had had no sleep for several ] nights. Mr Bros : "Is sho quite : right in her mind ?" Applicant : " I should say not, your Worship." Mr i Bros : " I cannot help you if she is out of her mind. Go to to the parish ; doctor and ask him to see her." Applicant : " I will ; she's a terror." A BLOOMER. The journalist rang up the Exchange j and asked to be connected with his own residence, and soon he was heard to speak as follows : — " Are you there ? Are you thero ? Is that you, dear ? It is I— Ponsonby. Can't you hear me ? Ponsonby — Pon-son-by. No, no, dear, It is I — Ponsonby — -I tell you. P-o-n-s-o-n-by. You know Pousy. What ? P-o-n-s-y. You can't hear? Ponsonby, I tell yon. What? You don't know me ? Oh, Jane, you are a fool !" and he left tho instrument iv disgust. But when he got homo prepared with a proper martial admonition he fonnd that he had not been connected with his own boufo at all, and he had been telling some other fellow's wife his pet name and calling that other fellow's wife a fool. DIDN'T PLAY AT CARDS BEFORE DINNER. The following story is told at the expense of one of Her Majesty's inspectors of factories. He had been recently appointed, aud he went to a district, which shall be nameless, to inspect a certain factory. Ho was received by the owner in his private office, where there was a goodly luncheon spread out, to which the young inspector did full justice. Tlie meal finished, the host said to his guest : "Well, if you won't have any more wine, let us go into the card room " meaning, of course, the room where the carding was done. " You must excuse me, sir," said the new and raw inspector, " but I never play cards before breakfast." THE VENUS DE MILO WAIST. The wasp waist is to be no longer in vogue. The Paris fashienmakers, it is said, recently decided that the Grecian waist, with its generous proportions, is to be the fashionable standard. Since this announcement it has been astonishing to' note the rapidity with which the waists of women have grown larger. According to a Parisian rouluriere, many fashionable women's waists have expanded from four to six inches duriug a single fitting. Such aro the wonders which Dame Fashion can perform with women. NOVEL USE FOR AN OLD WAR VESSEL. Those who had tho pleasure of witnessing the performance of " H.M.S. Pianofore " may be interested in learning that the United States Government have put to practiear use a genuine man-of-war by lotting it for two months to a theatrical manager for the performance of '' Pianafore " for the delectation of holiday folks at tbo seaside on the American Coast. " Captain Corcoran " sings " What ! never. Well — hardly ever !" upon tbo quarter-deck, and the " First Lord of Admiralty " climbs up the side ih realistic fashion. The only difficulty at tho first performance concerned an unfortunate chorus lady, who, unaccustomed to a life on the ocean wave, tumbled overboard ; but was safely fished up, very wet, to the great amusement of the audience. Our own Admiralty might hire out for a similar purpose the relics of Nelson ! IS A MARRIED MAN ENTITLED TO A HOLIDAY. A new clause will have to be added to the Wife's Charter, as a recent i ' statute for the protection of married • women has been styled, if Mr Dickin- ■ son's viewof the situation, as expressed : ' at Thames Police Court, be the correct i one. The learned magistrate holds i that a married man ought not to take : a holiday without his wife — not even i for a day, and has thus struck another : blow at what remained of masculine : freedom. He has, however, placed a fresh premium on celibacy, for " a day i off" occasionally has hitherto been i regarded as one of the inherent rights i of the married man. A young wife

asked Mr Dickinson for his advice.

asked Mr Dickinson for his advice. The other day her husband whom she had always before found regular iv bis habits and truthful in his statements, failed to appear at the dinner tablo. Tea time arrived, but the chair of the head of the household was still vacant. At soven o'clock she went in search of her partner, fearing that some serious mishap had befallen him, and on reaching Chrisp street, to hor great surprise she saw him comfortably perched up on tbe box-seat of a brake, complacently smoking a cigar, and listening to tbe coachman's gossip. " Perhaps the driver was simply giving him a life home ?" charitably suggested the magistrate. "No fear," was the emphatic response. "He had been out all day enjoying himself, he had." Mr Dickinson : Well what did you say ?" Applicant : " Why, what could I say ?" Mr Dickinson : "It is only a little tiff. Of course, he ought not to have gone out for a holiday without you." Applicant (approvingly) : "No; j quite right. You see, I've only been married nine months, and thought I had better at once put my foot down. Tbat was why I came to see you." i Mr Dickinson : " Talk to him kindly, ' and he won't do it again." Applicant : " Very likely. But he had bettor not." i No names were mentioned during tho ' interview. THE PERSISTENT BILLY. Jim Medio, rancher, politician, ] philosopher, and horsa doctor, walked on the ferry-bjftt with a cnitch the [ other day. He also had an ann in a sling and his head baniltsgcd. " What's the matter, Jim," inquired two or ; three acquaintances. " I've been breaking a billy-goat out of the butting habit. This mra wits laised it pet, and , that's; wbat makes him so sa?sy. Do knows who to tackle too. .He won't ■ touch a man because lie knows he'd get a fence rail frazzled out over his head ; but a woman ho will butt clear \ over into the nuxt pasture. The other ' morning this ram jolted a lady friend '■ of mine clear across a field and through j a picket fence, aud I thought it was j about timo to cure him of the habit, j I put on an old calico dress, tied on j au old sunbonnat, and, concealing a ' sledge-hammer under my apron, '• sauntered down through tho field. ; Tho minute the ram saw mc he dropped I all the busiuess he had on hand and came over to have some fun wilh me. When I stepped to one side to get a good swing at him the old dress tripped me and I fell. I started to get up, but the old ram was behind ' me, aud I turned two soinmersaults , before I hit the ground again. I didn't , stand any chance at all. He just kept ' lifting ma till be got me against the j fence, then backed off and hit mo ; another crack, and then another and j another till I thought he'd broken I every rib in my body. Finally he j jammed mo clear through under the I bottom rail, and I managed to crawl lo the house. But I got even next ! morning. I had the hired man take a green oak log, dress it up it woman's clothes, and set it swinging from a limb. That buck lost a horn tho first time he hit it, and it wasn't long till the second wont the same way. When I left him he was meeting it half-way every time it swung back at him, and < I would wonder if he is worn down pretty close to the tail by this time." ADVERTISING DISPLAY. An ingenious Ayrshire shoemaker j has struck what looks like a now lino j of advertising. On his window he j pastes all the pound notes he has in his possession, and on them he writes ', brief and inspiring legends as to how . he came by them. Thus one states ' that it is " the result of early rising," ; another that represents the outcome ' of working overtime, a third has the ! words " Honest toil gets this for me," ; and a fourth says " reward of in- ; dustry." He gets tho crowd all right, but che rival who makes a display of wealth labelled in something after this style would prove a bigger draw — "Borrowed from mother-in-law," "won at nap," "a meteor bet," "cleared off Ladas," " profit of making my own boots, £1." The local preaching man could draw tho moral. ' I A STRAIGHT GOER. ; A dinner invariably followed tho old time race meetings in tho West, when of course there were rollicking times. On ono occasion the health of the chief winner had been proposed at a late hour of the night, the senli- , ment emphasised in tho toast being " A straight goer — ho always runs to win." Just then tho guests were in the mood for anything, so someone suggested that tbe black boy wbo had ridden should - s\ md for the onncr. Tho idea was bono :ed as a revelation. Thoy got tho wondering Billy on a chair, where be stammered, "Mr Straight ho bin good follow — gib it plenty tucker, plenty rum." " Did you j ever pull a horse, Billy ?" interjected someone. " Well, for course, Mr Straight bo say, ' You win 'em tbat one, Billy,' I win 'em ; but when be say 'You pull 'em that fullow, Billy,' I pull 'em, my word." The cheers shook the roof, and the winner's health was honored with three times three. THE MUSCULAR MINISTER AND THE MOTHER-HEATER. Muscular 'Christianity has justified itself in the person of a London East End divino of athletic proportions and chivalrous instincts. Amongst his parishioners is an old woman, whose " solo supnort," not having a wife to "knock about," varied bis amusements by giving his maternal parent, now and again, a sound thrashing. As tho old woman would not prosecute, the clergyman determined to take tho law into his own hands and administer to the " mother-boater " a punishment calculated not only to relievo tho outraged clerical feelings, bnt to convey some idea of what such a chastisement was like. To this ond he concealed himself in a cupboard. Tho time was propitious, for tho young man being of a " laying-on" disposition, imparted the usual amount of thumping and kicking to his aged parent. He was about to congratulate himself on his work, the evidence of which consisted of a couple of black eyes and many bruises, when Nemesis sprang upon him in " tho twinkling of an eye," and before ho could put himself on guard, a burly black-coated figure was showering upon him numerous well-directed blows, which had sufficient weight behind them to leave a deep and lasting impression. Convinced by such an object lesson, more than he would have been by a Police Court fine, tho man promised to refrain from such a dastardly practice, and the clergyman assured him that if he broke his promise the lesson would be repeated.

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