Straws and Chaff.

Mataura Ensign, Issue 214, 12 November 1896, Page 3

Straws and Chaff.

— . — .& — . " Does the bicycle hurt your busibusiness ?" " Yes, tho junior partner and the confidential buyer are both in the hospital" " Pop, what do you mean by a ' wellknown man ?' " " The well-known man, my son, is the one in tbe crowd that everybody asks who he is ?" " No, Maud doesn't ride a wheel because her arms are so thin." " Are you sure you mean her arms?" "Yes, they split her sleeves every time she rides against the wind." " I hear that your relations with your wife are strained?" "Yes." " What caused it ?" " Her relations." "Jones: "Brooks is dead." Brown: " WeU, I'm not surprised to hear it ; his doctor told me he thought he could straighten him out." Miss Anteek : "Do you suppose Eve had any desire to vote ?" Mr Slimmer : . " But she couldn't, you know." Miss Anteek: "Why not?" Mr Slimmer : She was paired with Adam." " Please pass me the salt," said the first boarder. " Salt shouldn't be taken with this course," said the second boarder. " I know it. I'm not taking it with this course ; I'm taking it with your last remark." Primus : " The woman I proposed to to-night declared that' 3he loved me, but that she could not marry me as long as she lived." Secundus : " That's queer. What's the trouble ?" Primus : Well, I was divorced from ber once, and sho has scruples about marrying a mail whose first wife is still living." Lyster : " You are still continuing | your efforts in literature, thoy tell me." Writer : " Yes." Lyster : "What are tbe returns?" Writer: " Unanimous I Everything I send out is returned." , " What's the most essential requisite for a poker player ?" " Money." Correct reply to a halting question. — A lame excuse. She : " Then you really love me ?" He: "Don't I allow you to ride my bicyclo ?" " Now, Johnnie, go and wash your face, auntie will ca'l this afternoon." " But what if she dosen't call ?" The Killing passion. — " Mr Star," said the manager, " you must positively quit letting your mind dwell so much on your wheel." "Eh! Why?" asked the tragedian. " Perhaps you aro not aware of it, but in the third act, where you should havo cried, ' Ye gods, I am stabbed,' you shouted, ' I am punctured.' " "Would you like a sonata before dinner?" said the musical hostess to the gentleman of bibulous tendencies. " Well, I don't mind," said he. " I had two on my way here, but I believe I can stand another." " Oh, would you mind doing me a favor ?" " With ploasure ; what is it ?" " Kindly remove that costly mantle out of your window." " Why, pray ?" " I shall be passing your shop with my wife in a few minutps." Master : " Terence, lam going into the country. If Ma Smith calls, tell him that I'll be back on Tuesday." Terence : " Bcgorra, I will, sorr ! And " — after a pause — " What will I be after saying to him if ho doesn't call, soro?" Tom (gloomily) : " I tell you, Charley, this is a hard, hard world." Charley (interestedly) : " So you have bought a bicycle, too, have you?" Annie : "I have never been in such trouble since coming to the sea shore." Grace: " What's the matter, ! dear ?" Annie : " I bave lost my i memorandum book, and I forget I whether I'm engaged to young Chumpey or not." Wiping the gore from his glittering weapon, the desperate-looking young man seized a piece of cloth and removed as well as he could all traces of his horrible work from his victim. ' Then he straightened himself up, pushed the unhappy wretch away from him, and in a voice of thunder, called out, •" Next I" He was the apprentice.